Catherine M's 980

Catherine M's NDE

Experience description:

In 1962 I was giving birth for the first time. Nurses had determined I needed pain medication, even though I was having none, only strong contractions. Immediately, I experienced extreme pain. It was as if my mind had separated, and the reasoning part was unable to coach the other part to relax and let the birth process proceed naturally. Soon labor stopped, and a shot was administered to begin the contractions again; then more Demerol, etc., etc. It felt as if someone was stomping on my spine each time I roused with contractions. In the delivery room, I was told to inhale of ether with each contraction, but when there was no relief from the pain I begged the anesthesiologist to please turn on the gas, and "Nothing is coming through." I was crushing the hand of the student nurse, and finally, I could bear no more. I took a deep breath and just let go.

Suddenly, I was overlooking the delivery table, which was surrounded by a staff of deeply worried nurses and doctors. I realized I was in no pain and rejoiced. But feeling sorry because of the anxiety below, I said, "It's okay...I don't hurt anymore." I felt such incredible love for them, and when it was apparent that they hadn't heard me I said, "No really, I'm fine. I don't hurt."

I frowned, feeling slightly frustrated, wanting so much to help them understand that there was no need to be concerned about me. Then a male voice said, "Your baby needs you."

I looked around, noticing for the first time the gray, swirling mist, that I've come to call love. Such incredible love exists, more than we can imagine. I wanted to see the person behind the voice, who said again, with more emphasis now, "Your baby needs you."

I was confused, but looked at the table again, and this time saw my distraught husband handing our daughter to his mother, a stern woman whose penchant for time schedules was often in conflict with my lack of punctuality (even the baby was three weeks over-due). Many women came to comfort my husband, and he married, had more children with her, but our daughter was not allowed to be part of his new family. My beautiful child held out her hands to her father, who found reason after reason why he couldn't love her, and she was sad and sickly. But my mother-in -law absolutely beamed. I didn't want to go back into the pain, but enough was enough. "No way in hell will she have my baby," I yelled at What's-his-name, and fled the mist.

I think I must have scared them, for the mask was held over my nose and the ether turned on full enough to put me out for the forceps delivery. (Naturally, I didn't share this story with anyone for years).

In 1969, after a troubled pregnancy during which I took DES throughout, I elected to try a spinal block for the delivery. Blue lights were pinging about, but until a second dose of "stuff" was added to the drip I was able to shake the lights away. I said, "Something's wrong," but was told I was fine. I said it again, and suddenly three nurses are trying to locate the baby's heart-beat. Numbness is spreading from my feet upward. I'm watching this with interest, thinking, "They say that the brain is the last to die," as the staff is yelling "Breathe, breathe," at me. But I can't respond.

The "Voice" enters here. "I'll help you breathe," he says, and begins to inhale and exhale, compelling me to follow his directive.

Immediately, I'm rushed into delivery, and the baby is literally pushed out of me. I was told that the problem was that I had refused the "relaxation shot" before the spinal was administered. (This is the shot that made me go lose control during labors one and two). A friend told me that the spinal had paralyzed my diaphragm.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes

Demerol, Scopolamine, ether for 1962; Saddle-block for 1969

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No

Other than I have chosen not to tell certain individuals because it would only cause family problems

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes

I was viewing things from another place

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Hyper conscious in a way.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

Not quite sure what this means. In a way, I didn't realize that my consciousness wasn't still encapsulated in a physical form, even if that other me was "down there."

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           No

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

A Voice, one that has commanded my attention now and then since those events.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   No

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

I witnessed my daughter's sad future if I didn't return.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Yes

Conflicted at the time, because the relief from agonizing pain had been so brief. Yet, even though I didn't understand all that would happen later, I could not put my baby into the future I'd been shown.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

I've always had a certain "knowingness" but how that was heightened or not by the NDEs isn't clear. What changed for certain was the ability to explore beyond my church's traditional beliefs/traditions. By the 1970s the culture as a whole was looking into everything mystical. It was a good time for a person like me to be living.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

I don't remember being especially afraid of death, but there was a shift into not being afraid of it. As I'm matured, I see more and more that what I'm here to do...what we're all here to do...is to love. It's not easy, and I feel guilty for so often failing at this directive, but there it is. The message is LOVE.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       My relationships are difficult. Ditto every job, etc. I feel I don't belong in almost every relationship, and frankly, a lot of my relationships feel exactly the same way. I find myself listening and looking for something beyond the here and now.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         No

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

I couldn't really tell my husband, mother-in-law or children, but I've shared the stories with friends during intimate conversations. Only one friend has had a similar experience, and she too, feels out of place, as does she suffer from assorted, seemingly incurable illnesses.

What emotions did you experience following your experience? I didn't think I could take care of my baby. I was so overwhelmed, and I didn't recover from the birth itself for several years. It wasn't helped by having another child fifteen months later, before I could regain my physical strength.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      There was no worst part, only the best awareness of love and being cared for by my own angel.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        Maybe that we all need to reach out to others in love, finding little ways to let them know someone cares. On earth, it's we who must work at expressing the love that ultimately runs the universe.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    My NDE friend has been trying for years to get me to do this. She'll be feeling very proud of herself when I tell her I actually did. I think the questions are complete as is.