EXPERIENCE
DESCRIPTION:
From as far
back as I can remember, which takes me to the age of four, until I was 9 or 10
years old I eagerly looked forward to going to bed at night because of a
repetitive "dream." This "dream" was so beautiful, so unusual, so peaceful, so
filled with love, I couldn't wait to close my eyes. I would crawl into bed, lay
on my back, close my eyes in the pitch black darkness of my bedroom and wait.
Without fail, it would come to me in exactly the same way. First there is the
blackness. The simple blackness of a darkened room seen through closed
eyelids. Next is an awareness of a blackness that's more than just closed
eyes. It felt like liquid black, as if I had been submerged in a vat of ink,
but it felt "thick" like mercury. It is here I wait. Sure enough, there it
is. A tiny speck of yellow light at the center of this liquid blackness, which
felt like it was "in front" of me, and very far away. I am aware of motion but
I can't figure out whether I'm moving toward that light, or I'm still, and the
light is coming to me. Whatever the case, the light gradually grows in size. It
is a golden yellow and gives off a warmth and sense of peace not to my body but
to my mind, heart, soul and spirit. As the light reaches me it engulfs me, takes
me "in", and I'm thrust forward like a rocket being shot off a launch pad....and
I'm in my "dream" world. A place where the word "Technicolor" doesn't even come
close. There are no words to describe the colors. The sky is blue, but bluer
than blue. It's the purity of the colors. I am suddenly aware that I have 360
degree vision. I can see all around myself. I don't have a physical body
anymore. I am "hovering" over the rooftop of my house.
I'm looking at the shingles on our roof which are old, weather beaten, in
various stages of decay, and I'm thinking to myself, "Dad needs to replace those
sometime soon." There is no sound. I see the rooftops of all of our
neighbors' houses, for the full length of the street. The lawns are a lush,
rich green. I see the three maple trees in our yard adorned in leaves of every
shade of the rainbow. Yellow, golden, orange, rust, brown, reds, burgundy,
greens, purple. So beautiful the sight feels like music could burst forth. I'm
moving "upward" now, like a helium filled balloon, rising. Now I see the entire
valley we live in. Main street, church steeples, my school, the old Paper Mill,
Blum's Shoe Factory, F. A. Owen Publishing company, Kelly Brothers Nursery, the
airport, Foster Wheeler Corporation, Bernard McFadden's Hotel on East Hill. And
most striking of all, "the flats"....at the North end of town. This is a 10
acre parcel of land that is pitch black with fine, silt-like soil and the site
of an old Indian Reservation long since abandoned. I'm looking at our village
and I feel like I'm a part of all of this. I belong here. I feel love rising
from the very ground. I'm struck by the beauty of this place. There is
harmony, purpose, reason for living here. And suddenly it's gone. I'm asleep.
I had this
"dream" in exactly the same way, every night, without fail, until I reached 9 or
10 years old. As a child, I believed it was just that, a "dream." Because it
was a "dream", it never occurred to me to share it with anybody. It was
pleasant, joyful, peaceful, a place of loving harmony and I eagerly embraced
it. When it stopped happening I was very disappointed. I would go to bed
trying to "will" it to happen, come back, force it into my consciousness, but it
never came back. To this day, it has not.
I never
told anybody about it. I simply went on with my life but held onto my "dream"
as a wonderful "memory."
In 1986 I
took my then 5 yr. old son on a vacation trip to visit his grandmother, my
mother, on Marathon Key, in the Florida Keys. She had an Oceanside mobile home
and one evening we sat out on the patio enjoying the ocean breeze and sharing
memories of life. Suddenly she said to me, "Bonnie, did I ever tell you about
the time you died when you were three months old?" I nearly fell off my chair.
She had never told me that. Ever. She went on to say: "One day you had a high
fever, were fussy, wouldn't eat, so I put you in your crib and you did fall
asleep. About an hour later I suddenly had this gut-wrenching urge to check on
you. I went to your crib, you were completely blue, not breathing, not moving,
and as limp as a wet dishrag. I grabbed you and ran to Dr. M's house across the
street. He took you and began to blow air into you through your mouth. The
Office Nurse called the ambulance. We went to the emergency room. It seemed
like an eternity waiting. I was hysterical. Finally Dr. M. came out. I
watched his body language, the expression on his face. He came up to me, put
his arms around me, hugged me and said, 'Mary, if there ever was a miracle, this
is it. We had a dead baby, but she is ok now, thank God."
I sat
there in shock, listening to this. My mother had NEVER told me about that
event. Then, suddenly....while sitting there in a state of shock....my "dream"
swept over me. She said I was "three months old"....that would be in October of
the year....Fall, the leaves on the Maple Trees! It hit me like a ton of
bricks. It was no "dream" at all. It couldn't have been a "dream." The empty
slate of my infant brain had somehow recorded the transcendence of my soul,
spirit, from my body to a journey beyond this earth that was interrupted by
medical intervention.
In
thinking back, before my mother gave me this information, as an adult I used to
"wonder" about my "dream." I would say to myself, "how could I know what my
neighborhood, the entire valley I lived in, looked like from a bird's eye view,
having NEVER in my life been more than a few inches off the ground!?"
My mother
answered a lot of questions about my "dream" that day. I then shared it with
her. It was first time in my life I had told anybody about it. And as of this
writing, it is now public knowledge. I've always been interested in NDE
accounts, have read many of them, but have never heard one having to do with a
three month old infant! My own! I am convinced beyond any doubt, I had died
that day, just as my mother said.
Was the
kind of experience difficult to express in words?
Yes The experience was so beyond all of our combined human senses that words
in the English language become inadequate to convey this experience.
At the
time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?
Yes The life threatening event was a fever so high it was incompatible with
life, I went into respiratory arrest, followed by cardiac arrest.
At what
time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and
alertness?
As soon as I arrived in my "world", when I was thrust through the golden yellow
burst of light.
How did
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare
to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal
If your
highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different
from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:
As soon as I arrived in my "world", when I was thrust through the golden yellow
burst of light.
Did your
vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such
as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of
solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes All colors were as if they were "liquid." Brighter, pure, untainted,
perfect, clearer, and as if music might flow out of them.
Did your
hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect,
such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
Yes There was no sound.
Did you
experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?
Yes
What
emotions did you feel during the experience?
No sense of gravity or weight at all. Unburdened. Lighter than a
feather. Joy, harmony, peace, love, accepted, belonging, unity, hope are a few
of the feelings.
Did you
pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?
Uncertain
It did not appear as, or "feel" like a "tunnel" to me. It felt more like a
"holding place"....I did not feel confined by any boundaries.
Did you
see a light?
Yes At first, just a tiny tiny speck of golden yellow, circular light...like
the beam of a flashlight a million miles away in the blackness.
Did you
meet or see any other beings?
No
Did you
experience a review of past events in your life?
No
Did you
observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that
could be verified later?
Uncertain This "dream" began when I was four years old. As an adult I am
aware that I saw my neighborhood and the entire valley from "a bird's eye view"
at a very tender age, but thinking I was just having a "dream" it never occurred
to me to share this with anybody.
Did you
see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or
dimensions?
No
Did you
have any sense of altered space or time?
Yes It felt "fluid" to me. No sense of north, south, east, west. No sense
of "time" as we know it.
Did you
have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes Overwhelming feeling of being conjoined with all of creation.
Did you
reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?
No
Did you
become aware of future events?
No
Did you
have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you
did not have prior to the experience?
Uncertain I can only tell you that now and then I have "premonitions" about
events that are going to take place, in advance of their happening. I have had
"dreams" showing me pictures of a piece of an event which eventually appears in
the newspaper, or on TV. For example, one night I dreamed about a piece of an
airplane, lying on the ground in a forest, revealing the call letters and
numbers of the flight. I saw four or five of the letters and numbers in my
dream. When I woke up it was as vivid as could be. Within a day or two, a
picture appeared on the front page of the newspaper of a plane that had gone
down. The picture was the same one I had in my "dream"....the piece of the
plane with the call letters and numbers and they were the same!
Have
you shared this experience with others?
Yes I shared it for the first time ever, with my mother on that day when she
told me about my death as an infant. I was 42 years old when I told her.
Did you
have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
Yes I have always been interested in NDE. Especially as a Nurse. I have
been with hundreds, maybe thousands of people at the time of their death and
successful resuscitation. It was a subject I had always wanted to research as a
bedside Nurse, but never did.
How did
you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it
happened:
Experience was definitely real Of course it happened when I was an infant.
There is no question whatsoever in my own mind in regard to the reality of my
experience. It is the single most experience in my entire life that transcends
reality as we know it. This was "pure reality."
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or
significant to you?
My experience
did not take on special meaning until my mother verified some facts about which
I was ignorant until I was 42 years old. I am now 63 years old. What I believe
today about the experience is that the experience itself was imprinted upon my
body at a cellular, even DNA level, for whatever reason. I liken it to the
"transfiguration" of Jesus, just before He ascended into Heaven.
How do
you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real I view it as evidence of life after the body
dies. As Judge Judy always says, "if it doesn't make sense, it's not true!" It
makes no sense to me whatsoever that we are gifted with this life, in it's
present form, that our body dies, and that's it! We are not just "physical."
Who kills the spirit? Who kills the soul? Nobody. They go on living
somewhere, somehow.
Have your
relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
No
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
No
Following the
experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or
substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No It now
remains as a "memory" only. But it is as vivid a "memory" as if it happened
last night. The experience itself has not occurred since I was 9 or 10 years
old.
Is
there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?
Yes. I
consider my experience a "death" experience based on my mother's information. I
believe I died on that day. I believe my spirit and soul, had left my infant
body, and was leaving this earth on a journey to some other dimension not known
to us. What impresses me the most about it is there were no negative feelings
or emotions at all, it was as if fear did not exist.
Did the
questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes I feel
you have covered the subject in depth. I also feel that my experience is a bit
unusual because of my age at the time. I have never read an account of anyone
who has had a NDE as an infant, but I have.
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?
I believe you have covered it very well.
