Experience description: 

It was a usual Saturday Morning. I am a 46 year old man with no history of illness. I awoke and dressed to go out for breakfast. I walked down the stairs and as i turned to enter the living room i felt funny. The feeling made me stop in my tracks. I didn't hear a voice but felt something inside me, instructing me. I remember thinking "..Oh no. I hope that i am not dying. I have too much to do." It was as if i were answering someone's questions. I expressed fear for my older sister. She is disabled and needs help financially and with day to day life. I feared for her care. How lonely she might be.

My thoughts were racing my feelings ebbing and flowing, detached, I complied with inner feelings. My insides were saying sit down be quiet or risk alarming your sister. I knew she was sitting only a few feet away at the kitchen table. My head suddenly felt very large, I could hear my heart beat. The beat was pounding in a downbeat or decrescendo rhythm. I could now only see a warm orange glow that went to bright white as i felt myself floating away. I could see my body sitting slumped on the edge of the chair below me as i became surrounded by a warm, bright, summer sunshine sort of light. It felt warm. I was so happy in it. The experience felt just so wonderful. I can not find words adequate to express my joy.

Somehow I knew that if i gave in to the feeling and stayed any longer i would not be able to go back. To return to life. As soon as that thought occurred my vision returned. The experience ended and i was back in my body looking at the living room. I was amazed and scared all at once. I thought "Wow! Hope that doesn't happen again." I was afraid to move.

I became aware that i couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I stuck my face in my shirt and tried to normalize my breathing. When i could breath again i stood up to go into the kitchen for a drink of water and found i could only go a few feet without losing my breath completely. I took an aspirin and within 15 minutes or so was back to normal except for feeling very tired. I went upstairs to rest.

The next day, Sunday, my right leg swelled and on Monday i went to the Doctor.  He called for an ambulance and i was immediately taken to a hospital and placed in the ICU for clotting and all the embolism's. In the E.R. the Pulmonary doc looked over me. In astonishment he said, "I can't believe you survived!" "You have blood clots in your lungs and yet you lie there looking perfectly healthy." "You know this is usually catastrophic. Those who do survive struggle to breathe and yet you lie there breathing only room air." He shook his head and proceeded to tell me about the filter i needed to stop clots from getting to my lungs and what else to expect. His words did not seem real. I was dubbed by the docs as the "Guy who cheated death." Several docs in all were in and out during the stay.

I am now at home, recuperating and adjusting to blood thinners; Trying to comprehend all that happened. It turns out i have a Genetic disorder. Guess that is why i did not think much about what happened physically to me that Saturday. The lightness and hyper-ventilating has happened to me many times before. Not to the extent it did on Saturday besides i had been to see the doc for swelling and pain in my calves. He said it was just, "Tight Calf muscles," and sent me for physical therapy. With all the pain my calf is in from the clots and all the poking and prodding from the docs i wonder whether i cheated death or death cheated me.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience:  No

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  No

At the time of the experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  Yes

      Describe:  Blood clots had formed and reached my lungs, arms and head.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  very conscious and alert.

Was the experience dream like in any way?  No. It was vivid and felt very real.

Did you experience a separation of consciousness from your body?  Yes

Describe your appearance or form apart from your body:  I was above looking down at my living room. My body was sitting slumped forward on the edge of the straight chair. I could not see my face,  just the top and back of my head.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?  The weirdest part for me is that i was not afraid at all while it was happening to me. It was only after it stopped that i became scared...nervous.

Mostly i felt amazement and peace and the warmest contentment i have ever felt in a lifetime. My good feelings were all intensified i had no negative feelings.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?  Outside of my heart beat no.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?  No

Did you see a light?  Yes

      Describe:  It began as a warm orangey colored glow that went to sunshine daylight

Did you meet or see any other beings?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I was aware of a presence but it was more of a feeling than a vision.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?  No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?  No

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?  Uncertain

      Describe:  just the dimension of being bathed in warm beautiful peaceful light.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes

      Describe:  The experience seemed to last a long time but in reality was probably only a second or two in real time.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?  Uncertain

      Describe:  It seems strange even to me because i never thought about these things but it became clear to me that nothing in life is linear. Instead everything is circular. Thus rather than being born on one day and moving linearly towards the day you die birth becomes the beginning of a circle that completes with death. This death becomes the birth of a new beginning. Weird huh?

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I reached a point of contentment where i realizes that if i continued to move towards the light i would not be able to return to life.

Did you become aware of future events?  No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision to return to the body?  Yes

      Describe:  I had initially been concerned that i could not die because my sister needed me to take care of her. As i became comfortable in the light i realized that i would not be able to turn back if i followed it any further.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?  No

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  Not religious or spiritual changes but a sort of reinforcement in continuing beyond mortal life.

I am comforted to know that my parents and other loved ones that have died are okay.

Has the experience affected your relationships?  Daily life?  Religious practices etc.?  Career choices?  Life taught me to live with great appreciation of the moment. I have for many years been smelling roses and standing in awe of the beauty of our world. I treasure my friends deeply. In this sense again my beliefs have merely been reinforced.

Have you shared this experience with others?  No

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Initially i was scared. I didn't trust what happened to me. I needed time to think. I am pragmatic by nature. I feared more the ambulances or the ICU than i did the dying. I honestly was more concerned about my sisters reactions to the fact that i might be dying. Then i guess i entered denial because i passed the whole thing off as nothing. Even the next day when my leg swelled i still didn't think it worthy of a trip to the ER. It was Sunday and i waited till Monday when my Physician would be in his office.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?  I can not honestly answer this yet. For me so far it is just an experience.

I will say that the worst for me was lying in an I.C.U. hooked up to equipment, Doc's telling me how sick i was, scheduling surgery, they had me thinking i might die any minute. I didn't mind the dying what i minded was that my life would end there in that bed. All i wanted to do was sign myself out and head for Hampton Beach where i could sit on the sand and expire with a coffee and a cigarette and the sound of waves breaking on the shore.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?  In all honesty this thought has crossed my mind several times. I almost wish in some way that my life had ended that day. It would of been a nice way to go. I had no pain and no prior knowledge that death might come. I had absolutely no fear of what was happening to me that day while it was occurring and that feeling was so good when i was being bathed in light i felt whole and completely content in it.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Uncertain

      Describe:  Right now i have a greater respect for other people. I just want everyone to be happy....sort of a sense of how precious the time we have together really is.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Yes

      Explain:  It is hard for me to find just the right words to express the experience. I am glad you broke it down to these questions. I hope i have communicated well.

Please offer any suggestions you have to improve the www.nderf.org questionnaire?  Maybe a follow up at a later date might help. My experience is only a few weeks old. I wonder how i will feel about this as time goes on.

Thanks for having a place like this where people like me can get this off our chest.