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Evie D NDE 6293
In my teens I was very depressed. During my childhood I lived a very sheltered life with my grandmother then was sent to live with my mother who was a drug addict who lived with her abusive boyfriend. After unexpected freedom and exposure to drugs and abuse, I became very confused and sought love in the form of a boyfriend, and sought escape in the form of drugs. I became pregnant at the age of 14 and my mother immediately made plans for me to have an abortion. The abortion affected me deeply and I lost any confidence in myself or anyone around me. I became very depressed and lost my will to live and after expressing this to a school mate, she told and adult in the school who had me see a counselor and this counselor felt I needed to be sent to a psychiatric unit to be safe from taking my life.
This first hospitalization was very eye opening but did little to change the way I felt because I knew I was going back to the same life with my mother and abusive boyfriend. I was sent home with antidepressants. I returned to the same lifestyle, drinking and using drugs with friends to escape reality, having a new boyfriend to replace the love I could not get at home, and falling back into the same deep depression. I felt hopeless and desperate, and worse than ever, like a murderer, for allowing the abortion to take place. I decided to take the whole bottle of pills in hopes to stop my life and stop the suffering I felt. At that time, my grandmother had come to help because she found out about my first hospitalization and felt she had to help me.
The day I took the pills, I had gone to a festival in Boston, where there was a lot of available marijuana, and I had used the drug. When I arrived from the festival, I was very confused and more depressed than ever, I really didn't feel there was a purpose to life besides suffering and didn't think anyone would miss me anyway, my mother and father never really cared for me so I couldn't see any reason anyone else could really care about me. I sat around for a while still deciding how to make my death happen so no one even knew and couldn't stop me. I changed into my pajamas, filled a glass with water, and headed to the bathroom where my depression medication was. I took every pill in the bottle one by one, until they were all gone. Then I gave my grandmother a hug, and told her I love her, sort of my good bye, and I lied down. I don't remember some of what happened, such as when it was noticed that I took the medication, and when the paramedics were called.
The next thing I remember is the paramedics arriving, in a different perspective, I could see the ambulance driving down the street toward where I was, then they got out of the ambulance. My grandmother let them in, and they went to where I guess my body was. I didn't perceive it as odd that I could know all this was going on, I just knew it was. I watched them feel for signs of life and put me on the stretcher which they wheeled into the ambulance. All the while I could just feel the worry and shock of my grandmother, she was feeling so many things, confusion, shock, worry. My uncle was also there, he is an addict like my mother, but not as intensely, he was also shocked and worried but could do nothing but watch with a surprised and puzzled look. I did not realize what was happening until I was in the ambulance and I saw my own face, and the paramedic watching over me on a bench next to me in the ambulance.
When I saw myself, I then looked at the open door of the ambulance where my grandmother was standing, there wasn't much she could do or say because she speaks span ish and the paramedics did not, and that is when I felt that I had made someone suffer, but I didn't feel guilt for long because I had a feeling that it was time to make a decision. I had to decide if I wanted to live. I don't know if I had really died, but I knew I had a choice, and I had the feeling that it just wasn't my time. I was young, only 15. All was black after that. I awoke in a psychiatric hospital. I felt relieved actually. I was taken care of, fed, clothed, and really didn't have much to say. I was sent to a more long term psychiatric hospital and I still felt extremely depressed, but had an understanding that I had a purpose, that I was not supposed to die now. In this hospital I met a boy my age, a boy that has been my husband now for 17 years.
We were drawn to each other. He was drawn to me by my looks but when I looked in his eyes when he walked past, I got this feeling in my gut that he was a very important person, that I knew him already. He began talking to me and trying to make me feel better, he says that he could feel my pain and sadness. I began to feel better and I guess I said all the things I needed to say to the staff to make them determine that I was well enough to go home, with a plan of course, therapy, and medication. Meanwhile the boy I met and had come to love was still in the hospital and we spoke on the phone everyday. He said he loved me and missed me so much. I became depressed again, even with therapy, medication, people telling me they loved me and I was so important to them, and I tried suicide again.
This time remembering nothing but waking in the hospital and being informed that my stomach was full of charcoal to absorb the overdose. The boy was informed by my grandmother of what had taken place and where I was, and he took the opportunity of his father visiting him at the hospital to come and see me and a hospital a few towns away. My old boyfriend was also informed, the one who's child I had given up to God. I was sent to the hospital where the boy was again and we spent time together again. At that time I had an understanding very clearly that I was just not meant to die and I had a purpose. My old boyfriend showed up at the hospital where I was staying and I realized something very important, I was to let go of the guilt of the past and I needed to be very aware of what was unfolding in front of me, I sent him away, and never spoke to him again, and realized that meeting this boy was no coincidence, no chance, this was my future. I felt so connected to him and no matter how much distance we experienced after we left the hospital, we made true effort to see each other as much as we could with our limited resources. We married in 1995, and are still together today, with 4 wonderful children, who I hope I will raise with higher awareness than I knew growing up, who come to know the love that we all are and deserve.
Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes it's hard to explain how I saw things, and time. It felt as if I was sort of following everyone, and they were making decisions, and doing all they needed to do, I was just observing everything. It was very hard to explain seeing my own face and body and feeling my grandmother's worry and fear and coming to understand what I was doing to her, it was hard to realize how my actions were making others feel.
At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Uncertain The life threatening event was self inflicted.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I would say it was when I watched my grandmother at the doors of the ambulance and could feel what she felt and realized that my whole life was ahead of me and I had a purpose, and when I saw my own face and body and realized that there was something more than a body and the life that goes with a body.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)? I could see things from above or from a more broad perspective instead of just what is in front of me or next to me.
Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)? There was no hearing, just understanding.
Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Calm, nothingness, just being, a little guilt
Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? No
Did you see a light? No
Did you meet or see any other beings? No
Did you experience a review of past events in your life? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Did you seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others Not everything. Just that I had a purpose and a life I had to fulfill and the feelings of others.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information/awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information/awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships? No Uncertain. I only felt that I was loved.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information/awareness regarding love? Uncertain I only felt that I was loved.
Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge or purpose? Uncertain I just knew that I had to stay and live my life. That I had a purpose to fulfill. Was not informed of what it was. Still don't know my life purpose. I just know that I need to be here and live.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience as accurately as other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience? Uncertain I came to believe in the spirit or the soul and that I had a reason for living in the physical form but I still don't know the reason. I was very young and when returning to the physical self, I didn't give much thought to the event until now, in my adult life.
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain I have had several occasions where I have had such a strong smell of cigarettes but no one in my home smokes. As if someone was blowing smoke right up my nose and I felt I was chocking on it. One occasion I saw a transparent human being, a little boy, and I felt as though it was the baby I lost, and I felt scared but a sense of relief came over me as if saying, my little boy was around me all this time. Then another occasion, I felt so depressed, I couldn't stop crying, I cried every day for a week, but I just couldn't figure out why, then I got a call from my grandmother telling me my grandfather had died, someone who I had not spoken to or seen in years.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Realizing I was loved. Realizing there was a soul. Understanding I have a purpose and a place in the world and that I am important. After the experience, realizing that everything happens for a reason, like how so many terrible events led me to my husband.
Have you shared this experience with others? Yes I was very young and really didn't know how to process it and being in a psychiatric hospital I felt it would only be viewed as a sign of illness so I did not share it until well into adulthood with others except for my husband who I felt would believe and understand.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real I didn't start to really make sense of what happened until much later because I was still trying to deal with the depression and the many incidents in my life that had led me to that. After my mind was clear, I felt it was probably real but because I really hadn't spoken to others about it and was in an environment where I could possibly be penalized for expressing this, it took a long time to realize this was most likely real.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time?Experience was definitely real After researching the accounts of what others have experienced and feeling and believing that we are spirit beings inside physical bodies I feel that experience was definitely real.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? No
Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your Experience? Yes
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain I hope I have explained it clearly enough so that others may understand or relate because had I had people to help me make sense of the experience, I would have learned a lot more from it and used the knowledge to better my life.