Carolien S's SMR
All my life I had
always been teased and left out, I moved from Holland to New Zealand when I was
3 and moved back to Holland a few days before my 12th birthday. Up until a few
months ago I had only had a few boyfriends, but that never took much longer than
a week and I would want to escape because of the horrible feeling I always got
on the inside. That had happened so often that I was afraid to try anymore for
fear of it happening again and hurting someone's feelings by it. I kept on
telling myself I didn't need anybody and I never made much contact with people
because I was too shy.It went really well, but that was easy because I didn't
know what I was missing anyway.
In august 2003 in the last week of the dummer holidays I took a reiki course. The last day was on a Sunday and usually we are not allowed to sit behind the pc on Sundays, so I decided to check my email sneakily and quickly. I looked in my unwanted mail filter and I found an email that had been sent by a 23 year old guy named Bas who had seen my profile and just had a special feeling about me. We had so much in common and all that...The weird thing was that we live a few streets away from each other but we had never seen each other before. I didn't think anything of it until I started to chat with him. We talked for hours about so many things and we could really talk about anything and
understand each other very well. I fell in love immediately. After a few days of hour-long chat sessions I had to leave to go shopping with my friends and he asked if he could meet us in the city and have a drink together.
So I said yes. I was really nervous because I was afraid to like him too much. We met for lunch, together with 2 of my friends and it turned out that one of my friends already knew him and that he had also been to the same school as us but I never saw him at the reunion while my friend did. We sat and talked for hours and had a great time, and when I went home I had butterflies all over.
We decided to meet again, this time we went to Omsterdam to some kind of parade together. I never expected someone of his age to like me in the same way I liked him but I was proven wrong. He was trying all day to show me but I was to afraid to respond, for the reasons I mention earlier, not to mention the fact that I didn't know how. I didn't want to do anything wrong and ruin it. When I got home after that day I was all muddled up inside. I was madly in love on the one hand, but on the other I was scared to death. He was everything I had always dreamed of on the inside AND on the outside. He's sensitive, and good listener and talker, kind, he has the same hobbies as I do, and he even has long blond hair and a face that really appeals to me.
The day after, school started again and I had to leave for a week in a row with all my classmates from the drawing exam class to a place where we had to spend all day painting the landscapes for a whole week. I had my mobile phone with me but I wasn't used to having it on so on the second day I decided to turn it on just in case, and It turned out that Bas had sent me a message the day before, asking If I found it unpleasant the way he touched me, because he was afraid that he had frightened me or something since I didn't react. I wanted to send him a message immediately to tell him that that was not the case. Really I actually loved it, I felt all warm and tingly whenever he put his arm around my waist or something like that.. But all of a sudden the battery of my phone was empty. So I reached back to the back to ask Kelly for her phone and sent him a message. He was really relieved.
After I got back that week, I went to his school to help him practice for a big audition in Germany, I sang the female part in a duet with him. After that we walked through the city for a while just talking. He gave me a really innocent kiss on the cheek but I turned my head away because I didn't know how to react so he didn't dare try it again. I got really mad at myself for not listening to my heart since on the inside I was burning to just kiss him and hold him as long and hard as I could. We went out a few more times that week but I was constantly to chicken to show him how I really felt. But he kept on trying to find a way to break down my wall, all though he left me to figure it all out at my own pace. Usually he would give up and feel rejected but with me he felt that it was different.
The week after, he
had to leave by train to Germany in the weekend but he was coming down with a
cold, which is not handy when you need to audition for a major part... So I
offered to give him a small reiki treatment. I stood behind the couch with my
hands on his head and he almost fell asleep. When I was done he turned around
and sat on his knees on the couch, facing me. He described how it had
felt and before I knew it he bent over and kissed me. I didn't want to hold back any longer and I just kissed him back. He took my face in his hands and carried on while I felt warm flutters and sparks shooting through my body.
He stepped over the couch and we stood
there for what seemed like ages in each other arms just with our foreheads
leaning against each others and looking at each other. I felt a feeling that I
had never felt before but it felt wonderful. After that we sat back down on the
couch and he fell asleep while sitting against me. That was the beginning of US.
We have been together for about half a year now and the feelings for each other
get stronger every day. I really feel that I have found my soulmate and if We
were to lose each other somehow we would both probably wither away from the
grief. Now I know what I have missed all my life. LOVE.