Wan I's NDE
It was back in 1995...my parents were constantly fighting ever since I could remember, but it was pretty bad. I was only 15 and didn't understand a thing. My dad was a university lecturer and my mom was a business woman. But I was also always there to comfort and listen to my mom but I didn't have enough experience or knowledge about life to actually understand what was going on or even give the right advice, thus I fell into a state of minor depression, acting very eccentric in school, having hard times focusing in class.
But I remember that year which was the 9th grade or form 3 of High School here in Malaysia was the mid high-school examinations called PMR. I was surrounded by the more intelligent students who were my friends. Malaysian Education system is very backward and absolutely sucks. Back in 7th grade or form 1, I was in the bright kids class but I decided not to be just known as a 'smart' kid or a dumb kid but as a person and an individual, so I didn't care too much about my grades or studies. I just wanted to be 'normal'.
That year, with the fights and problems going on at home, being so young I made the silliest mistake and decision ever. To try and score straight A's for my PMR exams hoping that if my parents were proud and happy, they would stop fighting and things would be back to normal and peaceful again. Biggest mistake of my life because sometimes children who see their parents fighting don't understand adult crisis or situations, so they blame themselves. It's usually the guilt, sorrow and frustration in life which causes the damage of depression that we go into a 'defensive' mode to protect ourselves from the outside world or reality and reduced back to an almost 'child like' state.
1 week before the PMR examinations I had went for 1 whole week straight without sleep, only meditating and trying hard to 'memorize' all the answers for the exams, which was a big mistake. As the day for the examination arrived, I had a nervous breakdown and my parents had to pick me up from school and I could never finish my exams.
At first I wanted my parents to send me to a psychologist or counselor so I may 'talk' my problems out with the psychologist who would then probably act as a 'mediator' for me to my parents and probably help THEM realize what they were doing to ME as well. But my parents went and brought me to a psychiatrist ( I still HATE them till this very day ), and psychiatrist's don't see you as a state of mind but as a bunch of hormones and chemical imbalances in the brain and give you pills to eat which make you feel 'less' human because you can't 'feel' certain things and you're almost like a 'robot' emotionless.
But at one point the doctor misdiagnosed me as Attention Hyper-Active Disorder ( ADHD ) when I was in-fact what they would describe as 'manic depression' or bipolar. She injected me with something to sooth me and calm me down. But I couldn't calm down and things got even worse. I remember crying so bad in the car and then my nerves started pulling and my muscles started cramping, I cried so bad that my jaw tightened and was pulled to the LEFT side and my entire left body just felt numb along with my tongue. My parents brought me back home and for 3 whole straight months, I was nearly paralyzed on my left side, barely being able to properly move my left arm or walk properly. My tongue was numb with my jaw pulled to the left, I couldn't eat, nor talk properly. My parents fed me mostly porridge, isotonic drinks and chocolate ever once in awhile for energy.
I thought that I would stay that way forever. But I did not know how serious the effects of the drugs could be on my bodies nervous system. Sometimes I'd literally forget to breath and my heart beat would stop for a few seconds. One night it got so bad as I was lying in the floor of the living room. My breathing was slowing down to a point where my chest could barely move, I was crying horribly as all I could remember was...my feet were very cold. My dad and mom were there in the living room. My dad called for one of my neighbors to help as I was saying " I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!" while crying horribly as it really began to feel as if the coldness was beginning to creep up slowly from my feet moving upwards and I couldn't feel my feet anymore. The feeling of that coldness creeping-up my body was the scariest and most intimidating feeling in my life.
As my family was Muslim, my father who was on my left was whispering in my ears the 'Shahadah'...which goes 'there is only one God' over and over again, which made me even more afraid because the 'shahadah' is only whispered into one's ear when close to the moment of death. I cried even more. I do remember Uncle Muharram, my nearby neighbor coming to help, but I was already hopeless on the floor. Slowly that feeling of coldness began to creep-up to my upper body to my chest, which slowed my breathing down even more and caused me to feel dazed. As it started to reach my entire body...I could barely feel my physical body anymore as everything was numb and felt like it wasn't even there. My vision began to blur into grey, then slowly turned white as I couldn't see anymore. I was so scared and so afraid at that moment as I knew somehow that I was dying. As my vision turned white, all I could hear were the voices around me, but slowly even my hearing begun to fade. As that cold numbness feeling began to creep up to my head.
At that moment I could no longer feel that I 'had' a body anymore but somehow I was conscious of my surroundings. In those moments of fear, I did sort of feel a presence by my right side, sort of comforting me through the process, as slowly I felt as if I was being lifted or carried away. What my body now felt like was that I was just a 'cold mist', it felt as if my hands, legs didn't even exist. That feeling of floating upwards and away could only be equivalent to diving into a swimming pool and laying on the bottom and letting yourself float upwards...accept the water is freezing cold that your whole body goes numb.
For a few seconds, I saw myself from above, lying on the floor, I saw uncle Muharram on my left and my dad on my right, my mother near the sofa looking worried, but I kept on floating upwards and away. For a brief second I saw the roof-top of my house. I saw the housing area where I lived from above, and as I got higher I could see some night clouds in the sky. I felt sad leaving my parents and my family...of leaving this world as I knew that I might never come back.
As I turned to face the direction to which I was being pulled, the moment I turned around...there was a bright blinding light, as I expected to see the moon. But at that precise moment as I faced towards the direction I was floating or being pulled towards. It felt like an instantaneous 'vacuum', as if I was being sucked in incredible speed towards that light.
It felt like a tunnel with a light at the end of it...I felt as if I was in outer space being sucked like a vacuum racing towards the light at the end as I could make out the dots like stars around me while rushing towards that light. The only way to describe the feeling was almost like riding a motorcycle at breakneck speeds without your helmet on...or sky diving with the wind blowing hard against you...that feeling of tremendous speed where you're helpless to do anything about it as you have no control.
I felt so afraid, as I thought that I might go to hell for some of the things I've done. I've only 'heard' them talk about it, but this time I realized, I might be GOING there. Worst of all so many thoughts were happening at the same moment as I also thought how young I was. I haven't felt what it was like to fall in-love, I haven't gotten married yet, I wouldn't see my family again or my friends and I haven't had the chance to experience so many things in my life, all these sad thoughts occurring at once which made me sad.
But as I grew closer to the light and felt it's shine, a sudden cool and calmness came over me. For the light made me feel peaceful all the sudden as I grew closer. It was a kind of peace and calm which I've never felt in my entire lifetime, even until this very day. From afar, as I grew closer to the light... I could see almost like figures in the light, like heads, people all dressed in white, as if it were some sort of congregation or a crowd...the more I came closer, the more I felt like 'staying' and my sadness and fears disappeared. It felt like that comfort feeling of 'home.'
My mind began to change with that overwhelming feeling of peace, comfort ness and calm, a sort of happiness I've never felt when getting closer to the light. The peace and comfort felt like being embraced or hugged by a lover, and the calmness felt like the feeling of lying in your lovers embrace after making love to someone special. The safety feeling it gave was almost that soft of safe and comfort feeling that we got when we were just a child being embraced and carried around in our parents arms.
As I finally arrived or hit the light, for a few seconds I saw a young man...he seemed around 17 to 20's. He looked a bit familiar and smiled at me as if he 'knew' me. He raised his hand to signal me to stop...and at that precise moment...I started breathing again.
I awoke, which felt as if I had been holding my breath underwater far too long. Slowly my physical conscious came back to me. I slowly began to 'hear' again...then slowly everything was white, then grey...and I could slowly begin to see once again. My senses of that feeling of my body slowly began to come back to me, I slowly began to feel my arms and my chest, and slowly...my legs.
I was alive! I was awake. My dad was right next to me and there was Uncle Muharram on my right. The first thing I did was to try and move my feet and my toes. They moved...
I felt relieved in some ways, but in some ways I did like that peaceful feeling of the light and I was sort of baffled.
But slowly, after this experience...my left side of my body which was paralyzed began to recover slowly and my physical condition began to recuperate. As soon as I got better and became 'normal' again...I was still very much dazed and blur due to that experience which I had went through...as I didn't know what to do with my life. But worst of all which I never truly understood was, the presence which I felt on my right side, comforting me during those moments in some ways, that sense...never really left me and I began to sense or feel things 'differently'.
I remember after I got better, we went back to my dad's hometown in the East Coast of Malaysia near Terengganu. As I was looking through my grandma's old picture albums. There I saw the person in that light whom I did not really recognized at first. It was my late grandfather who had passed away a year earlier. I could not recognize him as I've only known him as the way he looked when he was around his 70's, but the picture of my grandpa in his late 20's looked exactly like the young man whom I met in the light and had smiled at me. I guess he was saying stop...because it wasn't my time yet.
Ever since then, my whole life has changed. I began going for my dreams and ambitions in life without any fears to TRY new things out which has brought me very far in life and career achievements. But most of all I began sensing or reading people much easier, I could sense their pains, angers, frustrations, and sorrows, as well as their hopes. Sometimes when being close to people I could see visions of their past and sometimes if I concentrate hard enough...I could even see their futures. At some times I could sense what people called or deemed as 'restless spirits' or 'ghost' at places which some people deemed 'haunted' even before they tell me these places were considered 'haunted'.
Ironically, the emotional output coming from these 'restless spirits' seem very much similar to the emotional outputs which I could sense from 'living' people when it comes to seeing or sensing their futures.
special 'senses' has helped me understand human beings, about life, God and
creation. The more I understood about Human Beings, the more I understood about
life and believed that there was a God, that He existed, and that there is a
life after death and Angels. Today I try not to be racially or even religiously
biased even though I do very much believe in my own faith, but I believe that
doing good to one another as human beings is much more important as this is what
God wants and I do believe that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason and that
I was given this...special 'gift' to HELP those around me.
Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No To explain the feeling of what it's like to not feel physical or having a physical 'body' but still be aware and conscious of your surroundings and events.
At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the time when I felt like I was being sucked into a vacuum traveling towards the light.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain: It felt almost as if my field of vision was like 360 degrees as I could see everything but I couldn't control of where I was going which was towards the light.
Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)? Uncertain
Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Scared, Sorrow of leaving my parents, family and friends behind, of not being able to complete a normal life and experience a lot of things by dying young.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Yes
Did you see a light? Yes It was a huge light...almost like the Sun but White and not hot, but cooling and very huge...
Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes If they were beings, they weren't clearly visible in a 'recognizable' form ever seen here on earth.
Did you experience a review of past events in your life? No
Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Yes
Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? Yes That feeling of traveling fast through space seemed beautiful...
Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes I did not have any awareness of space and time as it felt like it was all happening so fast.
Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Yes That EVERYthing in LIFE here on earth happens for a reason, there ARE some amounts of Scientific Explanations for what we call the 'supernatural' but science has not yet fully discovered the body of knowledge required to unravel such mysteries. There are greater powers at play which moves our destiny...I believe in what 'physics' call 'The Butterfly Effect', which is how some things or events within our lives our put into motion. Some religions call it destiny or fate, while other's may call it Karma, but it is interrelated. There are even a set of rules on how 'hardships' happens in our lives as each tests given to us is normally targeted specific at our own behavioral weaknesses and the 'stakes' of these tests in life are normally high as the stakes are normally the things we desire, cherish, need or love in life where we have to make a 'choice'. The wrong choice and mindset causes us to suffer emotionally inside. The right choices makes us stronger and even much better and often 'changes' us as people along with our perceptions in life. The tests require patience, persistence, intelligence and courage most often to do what is right.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes I feel that if I ever tried to cross the boundaries, I will be trapped here on earth or...I would physically die.
Did you become aware of future events? Yes
Not of the world in general...but only towards human specific or individual.
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Yes Every time I walk around in public, all I sense is anger, sorrow, frustration, fears, hopes, prayers, regrets in life from the people around me. I could feel what some people described as 'aura energy' and each human beings aura energy signature is unique and connected to his/her heart. Women are much more easier to sense as they're more emotionally sensitive than men. Men have a lot of frustrations and anger while women have a lot of sorrows and fears, which is why I believe sometimes it's hard to communicate between men and women.
religion talks about these 'aura' energies...in Malay they call it 'Tenaga Batin',
the Chinese call it 'Chi', while the Japanese may call it 'Chakra'. But these
energies are very real and fluctuate a pattern according to a person's moods or
experiences in life thus these energies in-fact tell a 'story' about one
person's life coming from their hearts. Usually in times of fears or trauma,
these bodily or aura energy emits a very strong wave which I believe somehow
could transcend even time. For example when I was talking to my friend Linie
over the phone...I told her to be careful, that her younger sister would take
something very valuable from her table in the bedroom and she would become very
angry. I tried calling her the next day to tell her not to be so angry. But 3
days later she confirmed to me that her 11 year old sister took her cell phone
from her table without telling her and made a couple of phone calls. She got so
upset that she told her mother...her mother slapped her sister on the face
twice. What I sensed from the future in-fact was Linie's ANGER and her younger
sister's TRAUMA and pain which echoed from the future. But these emotions which
echo somehow seem very much familiar in their patterns which those from spirits
which we call 'ghost' which also seemed 'trapped' in a particular place.
Have you shared this experience with others? Yes Some became afraid that I would 'read' them like a book. Women especially because they get quite defensive, when all this while I always thought women LIKE a man who truly understands...but the truth is...not understanding too much. But some friends have turned to me for advise as most often the things which I tell them DO happen and have been very accurate, thus they would like to know more about their futures.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real It left me totally blur as I could never explain it...most of all, I thought I was surely dead. Thus being alive was the most blurry part as I did not know what to DO with my 'new' life in the beginning.
Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? The feeling of the light...the kind of peace which I have NEVER felt in my life before here on earth which makes me unafraid of facing death or dying anymore...it's just a natural part of life. What matters is what we do WITH our lives here on earth. And of course seeing my grandpa seeming so peaceful and calm...and young too. I do believe in the part of Islamic Religion when a very old lady went up to the Prophet Muhammad and asked: " Are there any OLD people in heaven?" The prophet answered: " I am so sorry, but there are no old people in heaven." The old lady cried...and the prophet answered..."In heaven...the OLD become young again." And the old lady was smiling in joy.