Ray K's NDE

Experience description: 

Oh no...every time I try to describe these it gets really frustrating.  But oh well...

First Time (10 years old):

I went to Catholic School at the time and was horsing around with a friend after school on the playground.  He was showing me a new Judo move that he had learned in his martial arts class - he was going to flip me over his shoulder onto the ground.  Something went wrong and I landed directly on my head.

I picked myself up from the ground with the most intense pain in my head and spine that I had ever experienced.  I was literally knocked senseless.  As I got up I remember seeing a woman (who was there to pick up her kids) getting out of her car with a horrified look on her face...she had seen the accident.  I turned to run into the bathroom - I am still not sure why, but only made it a few feet before I feel flat on my face on the concrete...blacked out completely.

I thought that I had a dream when I was unconscious.  What else would a ten year old compare the experience to.  I did not realize what had really happened until many years later when not only did it happen again, but I started to hear of other NDEs.

It felt as if my body had just "come apart" and my vision went spiraling out of control.  Swirling colors that seemed to disappear to a point somewhere...like a funnel or something. No, not a tunnel...a funnel. I was really scared because I felt like I was losing control of everything. 

Somehow I knew that I had to just let go of my fear and roll with the funnel of swirling light.  My body was gone...it felt like a blender had just ripped it apart, and I was drawn into the funnel toward the disappearing point.  I just let go of everything.  As soon as I let go of the fear, the pleasant sensations began.

I still had a "body" but it was entirely different.  I could see in three dimensions as if I had no body at all, but was just a "floating eyeball" for lack of a better explanation.  I could see all directions at once, yet there were no directions or dimensions as we think of them.  (Note: This is one thing that really bothers me when I read or hear of other NDE's that describe a "place" - sometimes with rivers and valleys and flowers - this was not a "place" anything like here.  How could my experience be so different from others?)

I was greeted by a being of Light and Love, but nobody else that I could recognize.  It seemed to be just a brilliant glow that seemed to absorb me inside itself.  Love is far too weak a word to describe this experience.  I became Love - my entire being, every strand of my spirit spreading throughout the Universe had become Love times a million billion.

This is the point where I have to contradict myself.  I said earlier that over there was not a "place" like we experience here. 

I found myself in front of some giant golden gates or some kind...it reminded me of an alter in the Catholic Church.  There was some kind of fog or something that obscured any sense of distance, but my pet dog Skippy was there.  Skippy had died some years earlier and was the only "person" that I had any real family connection with that was dead.  I was overwhelmed with Joy and Love and embraced my dog with my spirit.  Although I don't remember Skippy saying anything to me, we were so happy to be together again!

At this point I was told that I must go back...that it was not my time.  This is kind of fuzzy here, but I remember an intense feeling of regret and being filled with a "No, No, please let me stay" feeling.  But wherever the "voice" was coming from was adamant...it was not my time and I must return.  I had no choice in the matter. 

If it is possible to describe the "funnel" experience in reverse, this is what it felt like coming back here.  It felt like my spirit was being stuffed into a jar that was far too small and painful to hold it.  I was fighting to return..."No, No, I don't want to go back".   The process would not stop - I was returning.

I heard voices.  Real voices.  I opened my eyes briefly and saw a circle of people gathered over and around my body (my face in particular).  It was the paramedics from the ambulance and they were rubbing ice all over my face.  One of them said "He opened his eyes" (with great joy on his part).  I closed my eyes fiercely and tried to go back, go back, go back - but they kept yelling and telling me to open my eyes while lightly slapping my face.  I was in deep physical pain and felt completely saturated with exhaustion.

The Second NDE:

I was much older (16) and had the beginnings of an adult ego and character, so this NDE was much more personal than the first.  I will skip details of the death part of this NDE...it is far too embarrassing to admit anything else other than I must have had an accidental overdose.

I remember lying down against the wall at a party and closing my eyes.  That was the last conscious memory I have.  I woke up several hours later and the party was over...everyone was asleep all over but not me!

When I left my body it was similar to the first time, but much scarier.  I thought that I was going crazy...that I must be losing my mind.  I stared up into the same "funnel" that I saw many years before.  It had a much more intense fragmented feeling and a certain "wrongness" as my ego disintegrated into Spirit.  I was frightened and did not have any idea what was happening, just that I was totally out of control of what was going on. 

Again, I finally realized that I really did not have any control so I might as well just hang on for the ride, no matter how frightening.  The spiraling funnel was swirling upward to the same disappearing point somewhere in the distance...as it sucked my Spirit out of this world and my body.

Then, the intense Love and Peace and pleasure began to overcome me once more.  I was no longer Ray, my ego had dissolved but somehow I was still Ray.  I was once again escorted by a Being of immense Light and Love and Holiness, but this time the Being was taking me on a trip or tour of some sort. It had something to show me.

Now this is very difficult to describe, but time ceased to exist.  It had no value there...past and future were completely non-existent.  I was traveling in an intense, burning now.  Now was everything.  I ceased to be a noun (person, place or thing) but became a verb (an action).  I was Ray-ing instead of Ray.  This is the best I can do to describe what no-time is like.  It is Beautiful in it's own intensity and burning Now-Ness.

I was given a huge message at this point.  The Being told me "This is Who You Really Are", as It opened the Universe up to me.  I could not tell the difference between myself and the infinite galaxies.  I became all-powerful and all knowing - and yet I was still Ray.  I cannot describe this better than this, but this "story" feels so inadequate next to the real thing.

Then the Being guided me and introduced me to the most Incredible Beauty and Love that anyone could comprehend.  It was a Greater Being of the most intense Light that could not possibly exist.  It was God.  The first Being guided me to this Light and let it enfold and swallow me up.  I became one with Love times a million, billion, trillion forever and ever.  We were made of the same stuff!  Every Being that had ever existed in all of Creation was now part of this Greater Whole Being called God.  I was one with all of them, and yet I was still Ray...all powerful, little old me! 

"This is Who You Really Are" thundered the Light.

Notice the difference between "Who" you really are and "What" you really are.  It was very important that I know "Who" I Really Am.

After some indefinite length of Now-ness, I was told that I must go back...that it is not my time yet.  I was okay with this now...I had a huge Purpose and far more Powerful reason for being.  I was given another message that was very important...as important as Who I Really Am.  I was told that I may return anytime I wished.  I have no idea what this means now but that was the other Big Message!

I returned to my body again feeling stuffed into a vessel of pain and exhaustion.  I do not care to comment upon further details of how I came back to this reality.

NEW QUESTIONNAIRE

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes,    All communication was non verbal so words just don't cut it.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     Both of my NDEs were life threatening...the first was an accident (head injury) and the second was a drug overdose

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    When I was introduced to God.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            I was all knowing and omni present.  The entire universe was opened up and explained to me.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     I could see in all directions at once.  Kind of like a "floating eyeball".

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Uncertain      The only sound I remember is a great beautiful song/music that was being sung to God in the form of praise.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Joy, Nirvana, Wonder, Love, Stunning, Powerful,

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes     It was more of a funnel shape than a tunnel.  I was scared at first because I did not know where I was or what was happening...I thought I must be going crazy.  As soon as I let go and relaxed the pleasant sensations began.

Did you see a light?           Yes     The light looked very much like a huge Galaxy with each point of light being a soul.  Every soul who ever live made up the body of the light.  The light was intensly bright but it did not hurt to look at it.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes     I saw my dog Skippy who had died a few years before my first NDE.  I also saw all the other spirit beings which appeared as a point of light making up the big white light.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes            In my first NDE I was standing at the base of some large golden ornate gates or doors.  The ground was covered in fog and my dog was there waiting for me.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes
            This is described in my original NDE posting to this website.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes     I was just a kid for both of my NDEs (age 10 and 16) so it is very difficult to reconcile the imense knowledge and love that was given to me.  I was shown how the universe works and how powerful each of us are.  We are made it Gods image...we are all like little Gods, creating the world around us as we see fit.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     No

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     It was many years before I even understood what it was that had happened to me.  Only after reading of NDEs did I come to this understanding.  It is very frustrating to describe these experiences to others.  Most people are either not very interested or dont believe the story.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    No
Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            There were strong messages given to me in both of my NDEs.  In the first NDE I was shown how powerful we are and God said "This is who you really are" as the universe opened up to me.  In the second NDE I was told that I could return any time I wish...I don't know what that means now, but that was the big message.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real
            I don't know how to express how reality feels or how I know it was real.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Uncertain
            Most of the relationships I had when I was young are non existent now.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes            I was a Catholic as a child and I am no longer so.  I have a much closer relationship with God now.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No
Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        no

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes

OLD QUESTIONNAIRE

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Uncertain, The first experience...no

The second time ...yes

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

The "place" I went to was not the physical/relational place we know in our everyday experience.  There was no time there either.  The communications that I had with God were without words.

How do you express this kind of experience with words?

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes

The first time I had a head injury and had stopped breathing/heartbeat.  The second time was a drug overdose.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           High Consciousness and Intensity Loving alertness.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   The first NDE was dream like in that it had a feeling like a dream, but again, that was my only experience to compare it with at the time.  The second NDE was no dream!  Not even a tiny bit.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes, See prior description.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

            Describe:      No...it was more of a funnel that disappeared into a point far away.  I "disintegrated" with the funnel.

Did you see a light?           Yes, Oh yes!  See above description.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes, Every Being ever Created is probably a good description.  But how does one comprehend that?

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No, None whatsoever.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No, Nope.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes, See above description.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes, No time.  Just Now.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes, Very much so.  Confusing now but very clear at the time.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No, Nope.

Did you become aware of future events?       No, Nope.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Uncertain, I had no choice, but was told that it was not my time and I had to go back.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         No

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

It became very difficult to be a Christian after that.  What I heard described in Church was not at all what I had learned.  Although, since then I have been able to read the Bible and see what Jesus really was saying.  He was trying to tell us about the Other Side, but we goof it up trying to understand it.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       My relationships seem to be different from other people's.  I Love very easily and with less garbage than most.  I have a rare ability to play and pretend as a child would.  I really can play with little kids and really pretend like they do...it is pretty neat with my grandkids.

I am an artist.  See www.masterwoodcarver.com  Creation comes fluently to me.  Something else I recently learned:  When I close my eyes, I have a running "movie" for lack of a better term.  Free flowing colors and designs mixed with images both moving and still.  People and places that are unknown to me combined with fantastic colors and abstract.  I have recently been asking others if they have this experience and am finding that most do, but only at times like falling asleep.  I have it at all times...I can shut my eyes and see it right now.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes, I think I have described these changes the best I can.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

People listen in a dull, disconnected way.  My wife does not believe my NDE's were real...or perhaps not significant would be a better description.  It is impossible to describe anyway, but I have an intense need to try.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  My life since has been salted with a feeling of "Why me?".  That there must be some very important function for me to fill in life, but I cannot figure out what in the world it is.  Very frustrating.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Being pure Love was the best.

Returning here was the worst.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        I sometimes want to die.  I have no fear of death whatsoever.  I sometimes get suicidal because I know what is beyond and want that peace so very much.  I also know that I cannot commit such an act...that it is wrong.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes, Pointed questions that are based on genuine experience help out much.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    You could ask about fear of death or wanting to go back there.  This is very important.  May I get a copy of my questionnaire somehow?