EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION:
Some time after I went "under" for the surgery--"I" experienced a
focused perception of being both just above and out of my body--at first simply
a feeling of hovering and watching. My body lay on the surgical table but the
"I" I was was not in the body and could not even identify myself as "that" body
or even be aware of an identity as "I". This perception remained in focus for
what seemed a very long time and then rapidly shifted away from all familiar
objects into a zone beyond boundaries. I became aware of figures in a light with
me (but not comparable to "light" as we would know it--sun or otherwise) who
I've later identified as my future daughter and son in their unborn states as
souls, for lack of a better word; there was a sense of communication but not
words within the communication. Another figure of light (which I later felt was
"Jesus") communicated the following distillation that I was able to formulate
fairly soon after my existence in this world resumed. The gist of it was that I
could "leave my present level of experience if I wanted to but that there was
still things left undone that I had come to the earth to do". I next experienced
a kind of "asking" from my future children to return and not let death take me.
In brief, the experience was beatific, extraordinarily peaceful, and beyond pain
and pleasure of any describable kind.
After coming to
consciousness in the recovery room, my wife said I had been in surgery for over
four hours and that I looked "ash gray" upon coming out. She said she
thought I was dead or was about to die and she was very very frightened.
The next 3 years,
culminating in 1979, were extraordinary. I found I could switch "levels" with my
mind; that is, I could move from the very specific things of this world to the
highly abstract non-specific experience I tried to describe above. Some of these
experiences I would term as "revelatory" in contexts that have since informed my
written work. There was a "price" for this, however. That price involved a high
degree of confusion and uncertainty in terms of my functioning in this world. A
profound sense of "meaninglessness" overtook me about the senselessness of the
world as it was and remains with me to this day. Sometimes I just wish the whole
thing would just get itself over with so I can return to that sense of limitless
space and peace I had experienced then. It is not that I have had the desire to
commit suicide (the thought has come up) but that I totally realized suicide
doesn't solve a thing. From that experience a total Otherness has from time to
time dimly and not so dimly occupied my waking and sleeping existence; I am not
particularly "religious" and I don't wear any of this on my sleeve nor have I
tried to found a new religion because of it. I intensely dislike any discussions
about God because I don't feel any human being on this planet knows what God is
or is not. It was clearly an Experience that revealed to me that there were
levels of Experience beyond this existence that we are just not in touch with.
All I can say is that the NDE totally screwed me up but my wife is still with me
despite my failures and shortcomings since.
Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes It was an experience, not a verbal description or
discussion with something or someone. It was not in any way connected to
existence as we know it on earth; i.e., with consciousness, with feelings, with
sensations, even with thinking.
At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes I was in surgery to repair over 13 years of damage
from ulcerations in my stomach and pyloric valve.
At what time
during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and
alertness? Immediately aware of hovering above my body--then a mind state,
described above, which was without any sense of "I" or body or self, but clearly
an experiencing part of Mind I had not before or since been entirely in touch
with.
This was total and
there was no "split" or "dichotomy" or "duality" of subject and object
perception as there is in normal consciousness
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience
compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
If your highest
level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from
your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:
Immediately aware of hovering above my body--then a mind state, described above,
which was without any sense of "I" or body or self, but clearly an experiencing
part of Mind I had not before or since been entirely in touch with.
This was total and there was no "split" or "dichotomy" or "duality" of subject
and object perception as there is in normal consciousness
Did
your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect,
such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of
solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes Again, the dissolving of all objects as sense-perception disappeared.
"Vision" was an inner quality of something beyond sight altogether. I saw no
objects until I had "woke up" in the recovery room with my wife sitting beside
me.
Did
your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any
aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness,
etc.)?
Yes A clear discernment, a Voice without words, an Inner Ear, so
to speak, that was "speaking" without language or sense of loudness or softness.
It was exactly what it needed to be to hear It without emphasizing the sense of
hearing in any way or form.
Did
you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?
Yes
What emotions did you feel during the experience?
Beatific, peaceful (more at calmness, total peace), a kind of gentle
wafting, as of ripples from a calm ocean of water, of being immersed in the
water but not drowning. A feeling/emotion devoid of ordinary feeling/emotion.
Did
you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?
No There was no tunnel or tunneling experience.
Did
you see a light?
Yes
Did
you meet or see any other beings?
Yes As stated above, two were clearly my future daughter and son but not in
their discernible forms today. The Other being of light I have since identified
as the figure of Jesus. I stated above what was communicated.
Did
you experience a review of past events in your life?
No
Did
you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience
that could be verified later?
Yes I knew my daughter was a girl before she was born. I knew my son was a
boy almost the instant he was conceived. He also communicated with me his name
prior to birth (Inner Ear experience described above)
Did
you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or
dimensions?
No No sense of "location"--just Otherness
Did
you have any sense of altered space or time?
Yes No sense of time or passage of time. Sense of space as being endless and
having no sense of distance, up or down, or boundaries.
Did
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes I have briefly described this above. What came out of it mostly was the
profound sense of meaninglessness here coupled with revelatory experiences that
have since formed the basis of my written work.
Did
you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?
Yes It was as if all boundaries dissolved at once. No sense of fear of
"going beyond" either. It just happened all at once.
Did
you become aware of future events?
Yes
To some extent; sometimes a certain kind of despair following
because I "knew" wars would continue and people would continue to be nasty to
each other; it didn't matter what form those conflicts took place in or
where--they still were and are going on.
Did
you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience
you did not have prior to the experience?
Yes I've worked as a psychic, but I tell the truth, not a fancied up version
of a story line the person I'm working with wants to hear. So my work there was
limited to some extent. A poetic gift (which I already had) was amplified and
expanded. I have the first book published which starts off with an NDE and
extends into the idea of dreams and dreaming and enters prophetic and spiritual
contexts.
Have you shared this experience with others?
Yes Fairly quickly. By that I mean I talked with my wife about it. But it
blew a big hole in my life here. I've not had much self confidence since then
but I am able to work as a teacher to earn my living.
Did
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
How
did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it
happened:
Experience was definitely real I was in awe of it at first as I could only
dwell on its content. I hadn't formed a verbal way of dealing with. I could say
I only "coped" with it. Sometimes wondering why the hell I didn't go ahead and
die, given what happened since in my life because very little (except my love of
my family) of it has made any sense.
Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or
significant to you?
Yes.
My son and daughter confirmings. As well as the fact that the experience itself
expanded to include other areas of my life that I didn't think mattered.
How
do you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real It has never left the contours of my mind. I
find I want to go back there often. I day dream about it but it is never exactly
the way it was when it happened. I have had a few experiences with a Voice which
I have since said it was a Voice for God, (not "of" God) because to me, very
clearly, God is NOT involved in this world in the least. If He were, He would be
as insane as this world always is and always will be. That's how I know.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
Yes
My
wife nearly left me. I turned into a traveler, a vagabond. Jobs wouldn't work
out or as soon as I would find a good one (teaching), it would fold or not work
out for one reason or another. Today I am still with my wife but it took a lot
of repair work and the good job I have now to sustain it.
Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
Yes
I
wasn't particularly religious or a "believer" either before or after. I can only
say--after--I KNOW, I don't believe (because a "belief" implies "unbelief" is
also possible).
Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life,
medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
Yes Marijuana, actually. Though hardly a substitute for the Experiences and
subsequent experiences since the first NDE, it does lift repressive areas of the
mind to allow a different kind of experience in. I don't use it to get "high"--I
use it creatively and in a controlled sustained environment (usually out in
nature) to maximize my time in a creative flow, if I give myself over to it.
Is
there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?
There is no way to communicate to anyone what I actually experienced. It's like
you could write a book about it but it still wouldn't fit in the book.
Did
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?
I think you have an excellent format for the questionnaire!
