Nicole's NDE

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Experience description: 

This wasn't the first suicide attempt, yet I can promise you, this most definitely will be my last.   A month ago, I've decided to end my own life, basically by downing sleeping pills, my other medications and Gin, a side order of Ginseng tea. No kidding. I laid back in my bed, literally, and played the cd, A rush of blood to the head, by Coldplay all night long.

I began to at first, sleep like a log, then somewhere during that night, I awoke, frightened. I felt my entire body shut down. I felt my Entire Body Shut down, literally, beginning with my mind. Each compartment was as if they were rooms and persons were turning out the lights, to leave for the night, or practically forever, and it scared me so much so, I remember standing up, kicking my legs, honestly not wanting to believe the drowsy effect taking me over. I was so frightened, not even of dying, but because I just realized, my grandmother would open the door of my bedroom, and see me lying cold and dank in my bed, with this velvet light blaring over me. My body, frozen, my limbs solid, and my eyes literally open staring up at the ceiling. I realized She would see me this way, so frighteningly, I began to push myself, to fight the haze, to fight against the tiredness I was feeling.. fight against death.

I kept saying, no, this isn't happening. I won't die,  cant be dying if I am talking, my eyes are open, here I am. people like me, don't die, I cant let her see me lying in bed, cold, and sick. With my eyes open, please don't let me die, not like this But, I literally heard a voice, that said, lie back, as I began to walk myself to bed, I remember, gazing profoundly in space. Literally, you know how people give blank stares, when they are thinking really, really hard about something? The difference with me, was my mind was blank, and each part of me was shutting down physically and I felt this. I just could not die this way. But the voice, told me to lie back. Lie down, and wait.

So I tried to close my eyes, and then I began to see myself lying in bed. This would be the OBE I guess. Because, I saw myself, on the ceiling, in spirit form, staring at my physical body, staring back with her eyes open, literally just, dying, preparing to die, such a dark death.

Then, it gotten a little better, because I began to feel, lavender and purple and indigo around my body, haloing me, in some sort of comforting vice. It was enchanting, beautiful, very loving. I could still hear the song Daylight in the boom box playing. I literally saw, the halo image of God. Either a Seraphim or God himself, because, He flew right over my sleeping body (my spirit returned to my body, and waited to be collected by angels) and said, in the most loving of voice. " I can't take you now honey, I'm sorry."

So, I pretty much spiritually remained in my body, then I began to dream lucid dreams, or hallucinate, truthfully I don't know, but this is what I saw.. I saw myself, still staring up at the ceiling, first, except I was in a hospital and dressed in all black with a little white daisy in my front pocket. My entire family came to see me. I was hooked up to machines, I was barely breathing (respirator) a tube in my mouth, I was so paralyzed , my entire body save for my eyes, that could blank, stared up at my family, I saw them all quit vividly, all of them crying.

I also heard the same voice *God* who said, I'm sorry doll, but, sometimes when people attempt suicide, and it's not their time to go, they end up in situations just to pass that time away, until it's time for that lifetime to end And sometimes they end up in situations such as this. This is what happens.  The voice was so soothing, so loving, I knew this was a time to learn.

It concluded with a kind, but quite realistic, You will wake up, you will be in one hundred percent shape, your mind will be 100% healthy as it always was, but when this is over, you will wake up *very* sick. Perhaps this will discourage you from future tries. Please, I am begging you your life will be beautiful, I promise you. You have nothing to worry about, you won't be homeless in the street (I was always worried that I wouldn't graduate high school or be able to take care of myself) this is a promise, form me to you.

Please trust in me, I promise to never let you fall.

then My mind was dancing in velvet and black. Literally shapes, and universes were eating each other and growing inside of one another, celestial energy all the way, stars dancing around one another.. and stars bursting into light..

After this, I remember waking up in full sound mind as promised, and as promised I was sick for three days strait, vomiting everything up ( this was the body's defense to make sure I wouldn't ingest anything harmful, I know this now).. but after those three days, I healed up back to the normal me.

I was also inspired to write after my ordeal.  This is what I wrote.  It's to say, no matter who you are in this world, gay strait, black, white, African or American, whoever you are.. male female.. transgender.. animal.. incest.. WHOEVER OR WHATEVER< if it's created, God loves it.  GOD LOVES YOU, and if this will discourage anyone from ending it all... if this brings anyone out there hope.  Then I have done a good deed somewhere, which makes me very proud.  So I hope this gives people hope. Here is what I wrote, the day right after what I had done.

The Crow: Love is Stronger than Death  9/22/2003  You ever heard that ol' adage?  Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought her back? I never believed it was true, until last night. As with Love is stronger than death.  Emotions and feelings being such guiding forces, able to raise us from the dead. Something so small like LOVE.. yet so meaningful. Being, sadly depressed for so long of my life, and have yet to see a miracle in my life.

No one was a harsher, meaner taskmaster critic to me, than me. You can psychologize where that negative inner voices comes from, mom dad, uncle, grandma and grandpa, or blame my entire dysfunctional family- go on you know you want to. Hell, the rest of you want to place the blame rightfully into my arms, my lap. In truth, however you decide to put together why I am unstable, that's fine by me, but invariably, the madness of my existence always drove me to suicide. Always. I've been suicidal since I was twelve years old.  

My grandmother only realized the seriousness, when I was first, and finally allowed myself into the care of psycho-evaluation. When you are stretched out on a stretcher, and you're vomiting all over the place, until your insides burned, you would think that is when a person would stop, right? Wrong. I wasn't a week out the hospital before I attempted 4 different times, always thinking *This is it, this will be the last of me*, only to find myself awake, full-blown awake and in pain. Always in pain, worse pain then when I first attempted.

But last night was inevitable. His heart ached for me, and figured enough was enough, perhaps He just *had* to prove who was key over life or death, and guess who it is everyone, not just Jesus, not just God.. but me. I had the power to blow me away.  Or I had the power to strengthen me.  Me. Last night, I drank down an entire bottle of pills, a bottle of Beef Eaters Gin, some sleeping pills, and a side order of Ginseng tea. I figured, * now this will invariably work*, and guess what everyone.

It really did. When I was stretched out on the stretcher, that was nothing, absolutely zilch nothing, compared to last night. I could feel my entire body shutting down, my brain closing, and my heart slowed until there was but a faint heartbeat. And if you think I am kidding, you think I am being dramatic, that's fine, but I know what I felt last night.

I saw the beginning stages of death. Firstly, you must believe angels surround you with love despite how low you feel, even if you're as cut and dry as Bill Maher, angels surround and light your path- there there for a reason. See when you die, you need to be escorted through the astral realms. Who's better to do it than angels? I have about 50+ guarding me, I saw myself, step out of my body, I was raised up high on the ceiling a few times myself staring down at my sleeping body.

Now, Most scientists would say, the brain is still quite active, even in death, so this was several images at once flashing before me, because perhaps I was to have a near-death experience, or actually die, and that could be true as well.. my brain, understand it's and the body's demise, could have been truly over-active that night, flashing several things, including my childhood before me, But.. I know what I saw.   

Next thing, I feel my entire bedroom light with rainbows, purple and gold light, and, I could feel God's presence. and do you know what he said? He didn't say, you're going to burn in hell, you're evil for this, you're a bad person, .. do you know what He said to me?  "I can't take you right now honey, you are barely finished with this lifetime. You have to complete why you are here. when you wake up, you will be very sick, but nothing will happen to you."  I remember the very soft, subtle way he said *honey*. It felt so wonderful, like GOD was up to date, and at the same time, was Himself. He had a soft feminine touch as god is both male and female energy, but it was nice.

I always remembered, reading Christian Self-Help books in bookstores, feeling frustrated, always my heart breaking, in this well does this include me? way, when they would describe the vastness and the boundlessness and the forever ness of God's love. It would always reek my heart.  How could God, ever love me?  Sort of how I view everyone in my life, my family, my friends, online offline, right here. How could anyone love me?  How, when I cant love me?

Revolutionary Esoterism  So why should God take time out of his busy day, to care anything about me? Protect me yes when I drink myself sick for days at a time, no food, no water, nothing.. but the booze that rocks in my gut, reminded me just how alone I am. Just how sad, I am. Shunned by the world.

So father, if I am your daughter, why have you allowed her to prostitute herself on the streets? Can you love tainted girls like me?  No one could, but then, I resurrected by love, the guiding hand light love. I was brought back because my heart refused to give up. That poor engine just would not give up.

So here I am, everyone. even that Don Henley song stuck in my head *I'm taking you home*  *which I figured*.. and there it was my friends.  My first encounter with my angels and God.  Plus, my heart may have stopped or slowed to nothing, but it was still flowing with blood. The blood of love, the lamb, whatever you call it. Something kept me grounded in the physical, from leaving.  I am here to do something important.

And certain people in my life, my grandma for instance, loved me. I kept thinking, Oh my God, what if She find smy body right here in the bed. My corpse, my lifeless corpse. How would She feel. How would she feel, seeing my lifeless dead body laying here in bed, as the cd coldplay remains on forever repeat? That kept me grounded here. That image. Her.

Not even her, but just the idea she would see my body laying in this bed, dead with my eyes gazing up at the ceiling. My eyes didn't close for part of the night. Part of that night. Most of that night. I wish, I could have understood the significance then, what did my eyes read, when they locked onto my ceiling? Were they in hope? sadness? despair? Could have they read my expression, if I would have died that night? The idea that we sort of wake one another up, everyday, to complete the day, its different now, because I can write my emotions but not show them. And I understand, now. Everything.

She kept my heart from letting me fly.  Love is stronger than Death.

The same could even be said of Jesus Christ. He sacrificed his own life as the last sacrifice, so that all can have salvation. Personally I believe God came down more than once besides Jesus, but, Jesus is most popular with everyone.

Another prime example, would be with the movie *lost and delirious*? Remember when Paulie was with Mary Brave, they recited Lady Macbeth's role in Shakespeare's Macbeth, and, then chose themselves to become one with the darkness. Remember, when Mary Brave at the end said " I was almost lost to the darkness, but you were inside me saying be strong. You were the heart inside of me, that kept to the light.

Sadly, Paulie didn't have anyone to love her, Paulie didn't have anyone to guide her from the darkness, so she had to fly.  It's a lot like that. I was lost in oblivion, black holes, black scenery, and apathy, but my heart beat kept me here, grounded on planet earth.

I love you all, Stay strong.  Please keep pushin' on.  Someone hears you, Somewhere.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

because, I kept seeing the color of Lavender, and, I felt so much love, sadness, love, Mercy, kindness.. and the entire thing was a message, and I know it.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes, I drank hardcore liquor and pills

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Out cold.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Yes, very.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes, explained in story

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Love, like I needed to learn something. Protected, as if someone in this world cared.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           music, God's voice, angels, sighing, singing, love.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?           I never saw heaven or hell, I learned there really isn't a hell.  But I wasn't allowed into heaven because it wasn't "my time to go".

Did you see a light?           Yes

all around me in my bedroom etc.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes, Angels, Spirits, Seraphim, God.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? Yes

family came to see me.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes, Everything meshed as one.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes, everything meshed as one

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Again, there isn't a hell. and God loves us all.  The most important knowledge anyone could know.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?             No

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Yes

again, peace. love. the only worry was whether or not, I was really on a respirator, or if that was all a dream.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes

I could fly

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes, I won't do what I did ever again

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       again, I understand that anything preached in fear isn't of God. God is pure love.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

I changed and am beginning to believe in myself more.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

grandma didn't like the idea of me ending it all, I can say that.  But somehow She had to understand.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  a little sadness, I wasn't embraced into heaven.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Just the idea that, what I've done, could have maimed me for life. That depresses me, some.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        Again, if any of you are depressed reading this, please. hold on.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

It helped me put it into words.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    no.