Marie E's NDE

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Experience description: 

I had this experience at about 4 am or 5 am.  I had a strange feeling the night before.  I had a lot of energy and wanted to talk about profound things.  I exhausted my friend, and then my brother and finally I went to bed.  As it was during the summer, it is common for people to feel a sense of 'mid-summer madness' so I lay in bed thinking a lot.  I sat in a hunched position on the windowsill for a long time - about 2 hours.  After the sun came up, I went to lie down on my bed and my body was so stiff that I fell onto the bed from the windowsill. This is when I felt like I was having a heart attack. I couldn't call my parents, I could only grasp and grunt.

Then I heard sounds coming from my own mouth and at that moment, I was aware that my chest was heaving and suddenly, without any warning, I was on the far side of the room above the door.  I was a bit shocked and even more shocked when I looked over and saw that my body was still on the bed.  It was very still and I thought that I looked very very small and troubled and insignificant and lonely lying there.

With that, I was outside and flying through the sky.  I looked down and saw the rising sunlight reflecting on the Irish sea.  I was way ahead of a number of seagulls.  I headed extremely quickly towards Scotland, briefly saw the west coast with the sunlight shining and boats on the water and then boom, I was in darkness but I was light.  Briefly, it seemed that I was alone.  I was not afraid because almost instantly, I felt that there was someone else with me.  Then it felt like there was another and another.  It seemed like I could 'hear' smiling.  I could not really see anything other than lots of white lights that seemed sort of like stars.  Then, suddenly, they were all connected by lines of light.  The nearest description that I can give is that it was like being right in the middle of a vast, huge, huge molecule frame, such as the ones that chemists make to demonstrate the properties of chemicals.  This one was MASSIVE.  It was multi-dimensional and I could understand EVERYTHING.  I was tremendously excited.  I saw flashes of color and could hear what I can only describe as background music but really, it wasn't music and it wasn't even really sound as we know it.  I felt like I existed IN sound and IN light.  It's really hard to describe because my vocabulary just isn't big enough. 

It was very, very satisfying.

Then I realized that whatever thought came to me, I could make that happen.  Suddenly, I could see mathematical calculations in multi-dimension, describing how everything works in the universe - magnetism, density, light, color, energy, etc.  It was just fabulous.  I was really enjoying it.  Then I thought that I would like to be able to take it back with me and it was as if my mind tricked me because instantly, I realized that I had pledged to return to earth.  Immediately, I did not want to go.  I wanted to stay.  I felt more at peace than I had ever felt in my life.  It was so beautiful and such a happy and peaceful experience that even now as I type, about 11 years later, I am still brought to tears by the thought that I have to live in this body, abide by such a horrible set of restrictive rules, that life is so heavy here and dull and basic and boring.

Then I felt like I was being spoken to, even though I could not hear voices.  Let's say that I was communicating telepathically.  I felt that I was surrounded by lots of beings who I knew well, yet none of them I really recognize from this life.  I certainly didn't meet my deceased grandmother or anything like that.  I was offered a request before I left.

As I had an abortion when I was 21, several years before (& incidentally, THAT is the experience that truly shook up my life and put me on a different course), I expressed my never-ending guilt for having taken away the life of my unborn being.  Instantly, I focused on what seemed like a star, a bright light, and I knew that that was the soul of that being.  It was irrelevant whether it was a male or female.  I put forward my feeling of sorrow and guilt and was in turn washed over by a feeling of complete forgiveness - unlike any earthly forgiveness.  It was made somehow very, very clear to me that it was not such an evil thing that I had done and that there are reasons for everything.  I asked again for forgiveness and even invited that being back again.  The only near-earthly sound that I heard was from that spirit - a sound of a very happy giggle.  That sound stays with me as clearly now as if it happed 2 seconds ago.  Then it was time for me to go.  I felt that I was being surrounded by, let's say, my guardian angels.  I felt myself moving further away from the spirit of my unborn.  There was a rush and during that rush, it felt like I was going backwards or imploding.  I did NOT want to come back but had a very strong sense that I had to. 

Next thing, I was lying in my bed.  I can't remember what happened then.  I do remember that I woke at about 8:30 or 9 am and went downstairs to have breakfast with my parents.  I was practically euphoric and would have loved very much to tell them about my experience but they would never have believed me. 

I have had a great interest in all things otherworldly since early childhood.  I know that they think I'm bordering on anti-social because of my beliefs.  If I had told them that I had a near-death/super-elaborate outer body experience, they would not have tolerated it and rather than risk having my extremely precious and private experiences dashed and criticized, I said nothing.  This euphoria lasted nearly a week.  I had masses of energy.  That morning, I felt like I had traveled around the world and back again.  Everything in the house seemed like it would if I had been away for a decade.  For days afterwards, colors were much richer and deeper.

Sadly, after about 10 days, I started to feel down.  I wish that I could have had someone to share the experience with but did not know anyone or any group who I could share with.  I felt quite depressed about that, and I felt very lonely.  Very, very lonely.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes

The experience happened at about 4 or 5 am.  The evening before, at about 7 pm, I had a large glass of strong red wine with my dinner, which was a rich, blue cheese salad.  When I returned home, I smoked some hashish mixed w/tobacco and consequently vomited.  Then I stayed up until about 3 am talking with my brother and then I went to my bedroom.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

The experience was so outside of the normal range of experiences that I still cannot find words to describe it (and I regard myself as rather articulate).  I heard sounds that were not sounds yet was not music but it felt like music, yet it came neither from anything solid such as voice or booming or wind.  Too hard to describe.  I don't have the vocabulary. 

Also, I experienced fabulously rich colors and colors/hues that I have never seen in normal life.  The colors were lit up and changing.  There were far more colors than we see here.  Also, my understanding of what was going on was extremely vast.  I could understand, or felt that I could understand everything.  The most depressing aspect of returning was that I could not bring this understanding with me.  Now I always feel that I am extremely limited - like an old computer.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          No

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Extremely and profoundly heightened - beyond super-human.  I felt that I understood perfectly the secrets of the universe.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Not very.  It all felt very real.  I had a very deep sense of satisfaction from every aspect.  I drank everything in and it seemed much more real than the superficial lives that people live here today.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

I felt fully me, except I didn't have a heavy body.  It felt just right.  The nearest description would be after going for a very very long hike, when one's boots feel molded around one's feet and then one takes one's feet out of the boots, and the socks off and the feet feel so light.  This is how I felt when I left my body.  Me, minus some heavy layers.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           Yes.  Not noises.  Just sound and it wasn't like the sound we hear in our ears.  It didn't seem to be coming from anywhere, it was just there.  It did not seem to be there because of vibration or wind or anything.  I can't describe it.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           Yes

I saw lots of light and it became colors and it was dark light and there were lots of lights, like stars.  None of it was blinding.  It was bright white light as easy to look at as light depicted on paper.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

I was surrounded by beings, and I seemed to know them all even though I don't recognize any of them from life on earth (other than the aborted/unborn spirit).  I didn't see any figures or anything that relates to earthly beings.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

I felt that I was able to see mathematics.  I could understand all physics, math, chemistry, everything.  It was all gridded out in star points and joined by lines of light.  I could pick out a pattern and it showed itself to me from all aspects and I could see perfectly clearly how everything works, all about energy and how everything fits, matches, grows, dies, everything.  It was brilliant.  It was sort of like being in outer space and then suddenly being able to see the constellations really clearly in that gestalt manner: the symbolic Leo and Libra, etc. mapped out in 3 dimensional star-to-star design.  Everything had a meaning and I could understand it perfectly.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes

Just after I left my body, I felt like I was flying away from my parents' house, over the north part of Dublin Bay, over the Irish sea, up along the coast, and all along the west coast of Scotland.  It seemed like I could see it all in real time.  I didn't have a sense that it was just like watching a video.  It felt like I was really in the sky, flying over the sea.  After that, everything was completely different from earth - no earthly-related visions.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Each time I focused on something, I absorbed it and it felt like I spent enough time with it to be truly satisfied but then it felt like everything was happening fleetingly. 

Sometimes, when I remember back to the event, it feels like it went on for a long time and sometimes it feels like the experience went very quickly. 

Whichever way, it all felt like it was over far, far too quickly.  However, it is fairly easy to capture that feeling when we are very engrossed in something pleasurable so it isn't very fantastic.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

Absolutely.  I felt like I understood the purpose of my existence both here and there.  EVERYTHING made perfect sense.

One of the lasting positive aspects of this experience is that no matter how insane everything seems to be in this world right now, I can remember that I actually knew why it was happening and that there truly is a purpose to everything, that we are hear to learn and evolve (although, we're doing a pretty awful job of it).

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       Uncertain

No, other than the point of realization that I had to return to my body and my life on earth, and that I had a chance to make an offering of my opinion/feelings before I left and that I was being taken away.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Uncertain

As I said before, I sort of tripped over myself.  I was enjoying the mathematical information greatly and was hoping that I could retain as much of it as possible and at that very moment, I knew that deep down I KNEW that I was going to be coming back.  Then I immediately (like a child) didn't want to leave and after that, it was out of my hands - so to speak.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes

Very much so.  And this is another depressing aspect of having had this experience.  At first, I would instinctively simply KNOW how certain things were going to happen, be that good or bad.  I got a lot of social abuse because of this because I started to open my mouth and predictions would practically pop out.  Just about everyone was displeased with this.  I'm not sure if it's because of my personality or the manner in which I started to do this, but I was received so badly so consistently that I stopped doing that, although I still do it with my mother.  I also find that I still do it with my close friends.  I have no way that I can fathom of knowing when I'm going to KNOW something but when I do, I most certainly do.

Also, I started to have a number of prophetic dreams.  They come fairly frequently.  They have a special atmosphere or feeling, so I nearly always know a prophetic dream either while I'm dreaming it or as soon as I wake up.  Sometimes, I have prophetic dreams but they are mixed up and it takes me a while to sort them out as the order isn't always perfect. 

I started to keep dream diaries to prove to myself that I could do it.  I had a number of them but destroyed some because the information was not pleasant and I was frightened.

I have a special private diary that I record special dreams in.  Only last week, I was flicking through it and I came across a dream I had six years ago that described perfectly an event that happened to me 4.5 years later.  Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I cannot alter the outcome of these dreams.  If I dream it will happen, it will happen no matter how many blocks I put up.

Also, I have 'special' dreams that come usually in a series of three.  When these come, I know it so I immediately write everything down.  These dreams always relate to someone else's life other than mine.  I always write these out in letter form and mail them to whoever they are relevant to.  Unfortunately, I have not received good responses.  I think I frighten people with the information or the details.  I mail them so that there is a postal stamp to go with them and then no-one can later say that I made it up or anything like that.  Unfortunately, the last series I had related to a very personal incident which I really had no way of predicting in my waking life.  When, eventually, the events unfolded almost verbatim, with my friend watching on, when I later asked him what he thought, he utterly denied everything and said that I was trying to make coincidences of nothing.  Many of my friends are scientists and each of them put down my dreams.  My artistic, musical, more intuitive friends tell me that I am suffering from the effects of too much strong cheese before bed, or that I am hallucinating or whatever. 

It is very sad that the people from these dreams will not accept what I write for them. 

Only one friend of mine is open and receptive of my prophetic dreams. 

Consequently, I started to dream of his deceased son.  He very much loves to receive those letters.

Since my experience, I dream very vividly of deceased persons.  I very much believe that they come to visit me in my dream state.  These dreams practically feel lucid.  I have wonderful conversations with me.  They are sort of like my guides - they show me jobs that I will receive, apartments that I will move to, cities that I will live in, etc.  They have become quite like my guides.  Sometimes, they visit just for fun.  They also show me things that seem to me banal but later, I hear from those who I wrote to that they were pointing out things as private messages to those people who eventually read my letters.

As this information is profound and private, I understand that it takes a while for people who have no psychic strengths or beliefs to accept that they have actually received a message. 

My mother gets very upset when I tell her that her mother passed on a message.  For some reason, she prefers to hear this from professional psychics.  She says that I shouldn't "dabble" and I tell her that they came to ME but she says I'm encouraging it and that I should stop.  This hurts my feelings.

I very much feel that I have been endowed with a big responsibility and it isn't a very pleasant one.  Although, I do feel honored.  Nevertheless, I also feel sad and lonely about it.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

I now believe very deeply that there is a purpose for my life here.  We aren't just chickens lying on a shelf waiting to be eaten or to rot.  There is a very definite purpose for our existence here.

I always believed in God, now I feel more comfortable about it.  Any ideas I had about death, dying or after death are now very very firm in my mind.  Absolutely no-one can convince me otherwise. If anyone tries to tell me that I am wrong, crazy or stupid, I think that they are very sad and cut off and I walk away.  So, I have a sense that I know something that other people don't and it has given me wisdom and patience but I remain human and have feelings, which get hurt.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       After the experience, I wrapped up working in tourism and turned to psychology.  I now work in a hospital and feel that I have very important work to do which is far more important than research or any of the other duties that I am as assigned. 

Unfortunately, because I feel that I have been 'touched' or 'spoken to', I have a tendency not to want to take orders from people who don't see things the way I do. 

I used to see things in a hierarchical order of work experience or professional efforts such as a doctor, a professor, a student, a teenager, a child.  Now the order is different.  When a highly educated person who has absolutely no spiritual depth tries to tell me how something is, I tend not to listen to them.  This causes problems because I have a heightened sense of time allotted to me and I dislike being made spin my wheels.

When I see patients, I believe God sent them to me and that my mere presence helps them.  This sounds odd but I believe it very deeply. 

Many patients respond to me with remarkable fervor.  Since my experience, I have worked in Pediatrics and Geriatrics.  Both patients love me.  Even when I had no authorization to be with a patient alone, they would seek me out to tell me how they felt.  They are drawn to a certain energy.  I believe that I have powers of healing and that some people can draw energy from me without my permission.

In my mind, I am on a course of learning how to control these energies.  To everyone else, I am training to be a doctor through study and practical medical/clinical experience.

I find myself telling people that "no-one comes between me and my God".  I don't know where I plucked that expression from but it has become a favorite of mine.

Also, immediately after I had my experience, I started to believe that God was guiding me so every time something goes wrong, instead of getting upset about it or taking it personally, I believe that God is rearranging things.  Sure enough, I have come a long way.   It's sort of like being blind and being guided along.  Mostly, I find this pleasurable but sometimes it is frustrating.

Also, when I go to any church, the priest always seeks me out and wants to talk with me.  I don't really like organized religion and I don't have much respect for leaders who think they know more than I do.  This is not to say that I think I am extra special or chosen but rather, I have a stronger sense of my connection with God and I don't think I need a manual to help me out.

I very much love to talk about theology or philosophy much more than I did before.

I believe God is everywhere in my life and although I am often frustrated, I am happy to know that.  When I feel sad or bad now, I have only to think of my experience and immediately I can have that sense of comfort and assurance again.  This is very VERY special to me.

I still enjoy lively, anti-religious debates with religious leaders, as much as I did when I was a teenager.

I now have a stronger sense that I must try harder in personal relationships and especially where my family is concerned, I have wanted to dig deep for the truth.  Not everyone else is on the same page as me so it isn't a bed of roses.

Finally, I am much more inclined to be reclusive now.  It is very important now for me to have time to digest.  This started almost to the day right after my experience.  It is very very important for me now to make up my own mind and for me to listen in to myself for a sign from God.  I don't take the advice of others anymore without meditating, praying and sleeping on it.

I will continue to stay in the medical profession until I get my clinical license.  After that, I would like to advocate on behalf of patients.  I think that medical care is utterly flawed and run to keep the Pharmaceutical companies happy, not the patients or the healers.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

Definitely. I went from having a life of beauty and decadence - including an extensive wardrobe of Italian clothing and shoes to earning a pittance as I work my way through the awfully hard slog of training as a doctor.  I give of myself even when there is hardly anything left of me yet I always end up walking away feeling like I am the winner.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

With very few people - less than five.  This is the first time I have expressed myself so fully.  I actively sought this site out so that I could tell all of this because now I feel ready.  I met a patient who died during surgery when I was in the operating theatre.  To me, he left his body.  The next day, he had a certain look on his face and I would have liked very much to talk with him about it but there were too many interruptions as he was really quite ill.  If I had been caught discussing after-life with him, I would have been in serious trouble.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  At first, I was euphoric.  I thought it was the best experience of my life.  I was thrilled.  It was fabulous.  Life was so vibrant.  It was like I had left earth to travel and returned to all that is old and dear. 

Then, after over a week or so, I started to wish I could go back and that I didn't really want to be here and wanting to get away from this life.  Also, I became very serious and the realization that there was lots to be done started to really sink in and I knew that I had a long road ahead of me.  I feel like I'm working undercover and there has not been anyone to share my experiences with.  It felt like it was just me and God and my guardian angels and I was the one doing the dirty work and they got to be heavenly spirits who live in a peaceful comfort zone yet I have to face ridicule, rejection, etc.  It has been up and down.

A few months after I had this experience, I became extremely disillusioned with a lot of things.  I lost interest in tourism and fancy things such as lovely clothes and restaurants, etc. This caused trouble because those around me did not want to see me experiencing disillusionment or ennui.  At first, it felt like I had spent too long in the pool and was starting to get wrinkly and cold. 

Eventually, I packed the job in and took a year off work.  I was strongly and heavily criticized for this.  I felt I needed more time to be alone with my thoughts.  This did not go down well with my family, peers, neighbors, etc. 

Then I became very depressed.  I felt like all of my beliefs had to be broken down and restructured. 

I became chronically depressed, then acutely depressed, then I had a nervous breakdown.  I prayed throughout and recovered actually very quickly.

Then I received a green card that I did not even apply for and took it as a sign.  I came to USA and started to study psychology, later became a student, earned degree, etc. 

Now I am in full emotional health.  I am stronger than I ever was.  However, even though I don't feel lonely in a room alone, and I enjoy living alone, I have a very strong sense that I am alone in my beliefs or work.  I have started to want a mate but the mate needs to understand me at the spiritual level and this is a problem as most people who even go to church don't think about God when they are doing little things.  It's annoying.  However, I know that it will be sorted out.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      Best part is that I had such a fabulous experience, that I value my life much more, that I believe that we are very special and I pass that message on to anyone who will listen.

The downside is that my life was turned upside down after this experience and I was sort of in the eye of it.  My family had many problems coping with me.  They will not listen to me talking about any special visitations or visions.  I am sad about this.  They have been through a lot because of it.  They thought I was one person and then I turned into someone else.  They get jealous when people come to me for advice or counsel or just a talk.

Older people come to me and ask me questions.  That is very enjoyable because I am no longer afraid of death, whereas they are.  I work with the elderly under harsh circumstances.  I have full opportunity to let them know that they have nothing to be afraid of but that they must clean up some things before they go.

I am very happy to know that one day I will exit earth and it will be like taking off from work on a Friday evening.

I don't miss my old beliefs but I didn't enjoy the transfer.  I am glad I am who I am and I am extremely grateful to God that I am so gifted and talented.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        The only thing that bothers me is that it happened to me when I was alone so there was no-one to verify what happened to my body during my experience.  I did read Dr Moody's books when I was young, but like the difference between the novel and the movie, much as I enjoyed his work and the writings of others, including Dr Morse, the actual experience is so fantastic and leaves such deep impressions that I could never have made it up in my mind, or with drugs, because the purpose behind it and the way my life changed as a result is entirely profound.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         Uncertain

I tried very very hard to get back there.  I meditate quite a lot now and I've had some nice experiences, some visions, flashes of this and that but NOTHING that can compare to that experience.  No alcohol or drug that I have ever smoked has ever brought me anywhere CLOSE to that experience.  Meditation is like looking at the photo of a beautiful mountain in a brochure.  Having the experience is like being in on and around the mountain all at once.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

As much as I can describe.  As it was an other-worldly experience, there simply isn't a big enough vocabulary to describe properly the sights, sounds, feelings,  emotions or experiences involved.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    As I work in the Dept of Anesthesia at a large medical university hospital, I have an opportunity to discuss after-life or NDE with MDs.  I remind them that when a patient codes "on them" they secretly pray to God that he will put the life back in their hands and as soon as that happens, they return to their cocky attitude that they fixed it themselves.  It annoys me that they are supposed to be intelligent but they cannot figure this out.

Also, through discussion with a Hindu MD from Pakistan, it was suggested to me that even if a patient is pronounced clinically dead, they might not really be dead.  The argument for this is that the definition of death is constantly changing.  The finer our measuring methods become, the more absolute we become in defining death. 

Personally, I don't care so much about the finer details of what NDE is or isn't - I had the experience, it changed my life, end of story.   However, it is possible that NDErs don't really die, they just have an incredibly profound experience and that is the modern way for God to pass on the message.

Also, it has been suggested to me that we have a parallel existence.  I cannot rule this out either.  It's uncomfortable to think about but I cannot deny that it might be.

Also, I am thoroughly enthralled with your research on memory.  I think it is really excellent.  Bravo!!!!

Finally, I wish you very well with your research.  I am glad that you are so brave and as a researcher myself, I think you must have a lot of fun with it, as well as criticism and cynicism.  Please keep up the good work.

Finally, I would like to say thank you very deeply for allowing me to express myself.  This is the first time I have put any of this in writing, the first time I have shared more than a few minute details on the subject.  It means a lot to me.  Your existence makes me feel validated.  I don't really need the validation but it is good to have anyway.  thanks!