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Colleen J NDE


I have no direct recall of the death during the surgery but afterwards while recovering in the hospital ward I was haunted by an image and memory that I tried to capture in a drawing with color crayons. I tried to draw a tunnel of light that was colorful. I knew with certainty that I could not take my body through the tunnel. I called the "place" I had experience "home" and was homesick for the next 20 years. Even though I was very young, I remember very clearly looking at my hands and feeling that my body was strange to me, compared to the expanded peace and being awake that I felt myself to be.  

When it was time to be taken home (after lengthily recovery) I recall my mother driving us to our house and feeling sad that this house was not my real home.  

I was left with deep questions, a passion for seeking wisdom and truth. I was a very shy introverted child. Intuitive skills surfaced at about the age of 7 and have remained a source of strength and guidance my entire life.  

My homesickness turned into suicidal feelings at 13, but the same presence of "home" comforted me and I dedicated my life to the pursuit of wisdom. The homesick longing eventually lifted in my 20's when I was able to use my intuition to feel and know that "home" was not some other place, but was right here right now, like another radio station away. This realization and many subsequent ones has left me as a deeply content, happy and spiritually awake person.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes  Died twice (clinical) during surgery to remove tumor from behind right eye. Still have burn marks on base of spine from electric resuscitation.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     I didn't share it with anyone at the time, but I tried very hard to draw it, and felt frustrated that my crayons could not capture the feeling at all.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    In the memory of the tunnel of light

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   What remained, and was rediscovered later in life, and became almost permanent was a deep knowing and feeling of expanded awareness, deep wisdom, love, peace and something much more open and free than any conceptually created identity.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   No central local of perception, could see from any perspective, 360 degrees. Colors brighter and more alive then with physical eyes.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Inner listening was strong, like hearing silence become knowing. Different to daily inner thoughts and random rambling. Just a deep, absolute knowing that could be translated into soft inner words. Also a feeling of music, but no actual music. Very hard to explain.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Absolute peace, freedom, truth and what my child mind called a feeling of "Home".  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Yes   Bright colors, with a clear exit that I knew as "home"

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   Not the same as light or color you can see with your eyes, but nothing to compare it to other than saying colorful, dynamic, intelligent light.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time lost all meaning, there was no awareness of my body, my identity as a young person, just eternal home.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about the universe
There was not so much an understanding, as a knowing of absolute peace, belonging, home and love. All questions died in that knowing. However, a few weeks later, I lost the feeling the moment my mind thought that I wanted to go back. The very wanting it, with a small thought that I had left home, resulted in the loss of the feeling and knowing and brought the most painful loss and aloneness. It took years to find my way back and to realize that I never actually lost it, just became ignorant. Much understanding was shown to me over the years when I re-established a connection to home.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   I knew I was not physical, I knew my body could not come with me to home, I knew home was real, I knew I as this limitless space of awareness was more real than my body.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   I knew presence, and it was intelligent and in later years as a child expressed and described god as this light and peace and love. But definitely no "human-like" god, just presence. I was also 4 so didn't have the concept of "god" yet, so only in retrospect could I guess that the knowing presence and "home" feeling could be called something divine.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   Although I was only 4, I had no religion doctrine in place, no television or book knowledge yet. So the experience was pure and innocent. All of it was new and has lasted my entire life.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   Just as the absolute knowing and experience of "home" as unifying, a feeling of connection to life itself, no boundaries to who I am.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   It was a transcended love, not a personalized love. Love was home and home was love.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   I had spontaneous past life memories in my teens, gained clear conscious knowledge of my soul and found home again in my personal experience and connection to my soul.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   Only that I was not a physical body, that I was more, that there was more than what people thought about life.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I had no beliefs at the time, I was a young child.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience   I have flashes of other memories around the time that are very lucid, but this experience left a deep impression.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   I don't know I life without the knowing that came from the experience, because I was so young. At first it felt cruel and all I wanted to do was go back, I resisted life and longed for the spiritual home I had experienced deeply. I was only able to find peace again gradually in my teens, more deeply in my 30's and in the last 2 years very deeply.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?  
Yes   All my beliefs and values were built on the bedrock of the experience.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Yes   I was very psychic as a child, and in my teens I tested my intuition daily. I am also very down to earth and it took many years of rigorous testing and exploration to see my psychic skills as real.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?    
Afterwards, looking at my young hands and feeling alien to my own body. The lasting knowing that I was not physical.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?  
Yes  I wrote in journals as a teen, then wrote a book in my 20's.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   It felt more real than my life at the time.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   Although my body was young at the time, what I found was an ageless sense of self that has never aged and never changed, this is still more real than the body and the changing personality.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   No  

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   As above, I was young so didn't have belief before. I didn't have beliefs after either, it was a knowing and reality not something I believed.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   Yes   I'm grateful to say that now the same feeling and knowing of home, is almost permanently the state that I live in. Even when life's knocks bring pain or human emotions, I rest in the presence of this space of home.  

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes