Claire B NDE
I suffered from treatment-resistant depression and had followed a strict regimen of psychiatric care and numerous medications for two years. Nothing helped. I decided to commit suicide.
I took a stockpile of pills and alcohol, and called a taxi cab to take me to a mountain trail head. I did not drive my car because I did not want the car to be spotted after dark and cause someone to look for me on the mountain trail. I hiked about two miles up the mountain and left the trail to a spot far from where hikers would be. I began dissolving pills under my tongue while drinking vodka. Simultaneously, I phoned my sister from my cell phone to tell her I was hiking and meeting friends and would see her possibly in the next few days. I wanted to establish contact with her so she would have no reason to call or contact me until long after I was dead. I told no one of my intent to commit suicide.
The next thing I remember is hearing is a loud electronic alarm, and a female
voice yell, "She's crashing again!"
I saw a nurse dressed in blue scrubs and a doctor with green scrubs and a white
lab coat standing in front of hospital equipment.
They had their backs to me. I
knew if I looked down, I would see myself, so I did not look down.
I was shocked by the tone of voice the nurse used.
She sounded angry and I wanted to leave because she was angry with me.
Next I was in a strange, unearthly city.
There were three young women, about age 19 to 25, who were very beautiful
and glamorous, as I always wished to be.
They stayed with me. I did
not question their presence, who they were, where they came from, or where I
was. We did not speak, although
communication was perfectly clear. I
was filled with a longing to be beautiful.
It was my greatest wish in life because I thought if I were beautiful, I
would be loved and wanted. They
asked me what I wanted and I told them this.
They took me across the city to a white building.
We went in, up a long, winding staircase to a large loft full of light.
A man came in and waved his hands around me and made different motions,
speaking aloud almost to himself. It
was my understanding that he was transforming me into a physically beautiful
woman. We left the building and went
outside. The light was bright and
clear, and there was snow all around, although I was not cold.
By this time, I had been with these young women a very long time and done
other things I cannot presently remember anymore.
I decided I needed to go. I
did not know where I was supposed to go to, but I had a very strong feeling I
was getting late for something and I had to leave in order to be on time.
The three women accompanied me to the edge of another city.
It was very busy and the buildings were very tall and close together.
There were many, many people, all traveling together in small groups, and
all looking very happy. They could
not seem to see me. They were all
coming from the same direction and heading in the same direction.
Something caught my eye. It
was a young man I noticed by one of the buildings.
He caught my attention because he was sitting, and alone, and he looked
very unhappy. Of everyone I could
see, he was the only person exhibiting these characteristics, and was noticeable
as a result. I wanted to look at him
and go talk to him, but the leader of the three young women told me I should not
disturb him. There was a specific
reason I was not supposed to disturb him, but I don't remember what it was
anymore. I realized he was my
step-brother who had committed suicide a few years prior to my experience.
The young women told me that they could not go beyond that point, in the
direction I wanted to go. The
direction was the opposite of all the people who were walking towards me.
I had to go alone. I felt
very compelled to go, although no one or no thing told me I should.
I knew fundamentally that it was a choice and there were no influencing
agents affecting my choice. It was a
very strong desire to go, simply put.
I did not know where I was going, just that if I would intentionally GO,
I would get where I needed to be. I
I was in a wooded area and could see an elevated freeway, but there were no cars
on it or other people anywhere around.
I knew I needed to follow that freeway to get where I was going.
I thought I needed a car so I could get up on that freeway and drive.
I asked myself how I was going to get a car.
At that time, a man appeared.
He was dressed in nondescript, grey clothing, and had no distinguishing features
or characteristics to cause me to note his appearance.
He told me, without speaking, that I did not need a car, that I could get
where I was going without a car if I just willed myself there.
I did not believe him, and I argued with him, telling him I was lost and
was not going to leave until he got a car for me.
He said okay.
The next thing I knew, I was in a car and driving on this freeway, but the car
kept breaking down. I was stalled
and alone on this freeway. I got out
of the car and wondered how long it would be before someone came along and
helped me. At that moment, the man
dressed in grey reappeared and told me again that I did not need a car or
directions, I needed only my will.
Then he left. I had no choice of
whether to believe him, so I decided I would use my will.
I experienced what felt like a minute or two of flying.
The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital ICU.
I learned the details of my physical condition from my sister after I was
released from ICU. When I was found by my sister (details of how I was
discovered will follow later) I was completely unconscious.
She found me 18 hours after I ingested the drugs.
I was barely breathing and she could only detect a faint, tachy pulse.
(She was a police officer and trained in CPR and first aid.)
I stopped breathing multiple times and she administered rescue breathing.
I was missing clothing and she suspected I had been attacked and raped
because my shirt was on backwards and there was vomit all over the back of my
shirt and in my hair, but none on the front.
My arms were covered in bruises, scratches and burns, indicating
Paramedics recorded my BP as 41/17.
My pulse was over 120, and arrhythmic.
I did not breathe without the bag over my face.
In the hospital, I kept "crashing" every time they attempted to wake me
up. I had a dislocated hip.
I had aspirational pneumonia in both lungs.
I also had pleural effusions in both lungs, which required surgery, as I
was breathing on only 20 percent of one lung.
The pneumonia turned bacterial.
I got a fever that could not be reduced, so they put me in an ice bath
several times. My kidneys ceased
functioning entirely because of something to do with my muscles, lack of oxygen,
and an inability of my kidneys to filter all the resulting contaminants in my
blood. I was unresponsive to
anything and comatose, as it has been described to me.
My sister, who was there the entire time, says she was told by the
medical team that it was unlikely I would wake up, and if I did, I would most
likely be a "vegetable" because of oxygen deprivation.
She was advised not to continue life-saving efforts.
She refused the advice and demanded that all measures be taken to save my
The events below are as described to me by my sister, about a three weeks after
my suicide attempt.
Two men were hiking the day I attempted suicide.
They took a dog. Their dog
got loose and found me hidden far away from the trail.
They robbed me (I had my purse with cash from my last ATM withdrawal).
They were going to leave me for dead because they had stolen from me and
both were convicted felons. One of
them had outstanding warrants for drug charges in several states.
The other man recognized me before he left.
I used to work a second job as a bartender, and sometime in the previous
year, I had served these two men. He
decided not to leave me until he called.
Not wanting attention from the police, he called the last number dialed
on my phone, which was my sister. He
told her he found me on the trail and I was unconscious.
She asked for a location, which he could not pinpoint precisely.
She begged him to stay with me until she could get up there.
He agreed and stayed with her, giving her directions as she climbed the
trail. He left immediately when she
found me. At the scene, my sister says she immediately suspected I had been
raped. She said it looked "staged"
and that I had obviously been moved, as well as positioned to look a certain
way. Her police experience and
training caused her to treat the scene as a crime scene at first.
She and her husband called 911.
During my hospitalization, the man who called her called the ICU several
times to ask for my sister and inquire to whether I died.
She said he wanted to know because they had assaulted me, and it could
affect what crimes they could be charged with.
The police assigned a detective to my case and the first man fled town.
I decided not press charges against the second man, as I remember
absolutely nothing whatsoever, from the moment I spoke with my sister until the
time I awoke in the hospital.
The paramedics could not get up the trail with a stretcher to where I was at, so
my sister and her husband carried me down to a point where help was waiting for
them. During that time, she had to
stop repeatedly and administer rescue breathing.
At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I feel embarrassed to talk about this with most people because it sounds like a fantastical, fairy-tale experience. It is very hard to describe without sounding ridiculous. I don't tell many people because I can't stand the thought that anyone would laugh at me for this specific experience.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During my NDE, when I was standing in the bright sunlight after I had been transformed by the man in the tall building. I was comatose for three days before I woke up, so I cannot possibly know the time.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I knew things by intuition and acquired knowledge just from the need to know it. Answers came and wishes were granted to me simply by my desire to have them.
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see light in a better quality and everything was so much more clear and distinct than ever.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. no changes, other than the fact that AS I was waking up, I could hear my sisters and the nurses voices speaking to me so clearly and perfectly, like loud and undistorted, without being loud. It was the most wonderful sound I ever knew.
Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body? Yes I heard the alarm on the vital signs monitor go off, indicating my vital signs had dropped. Then I heard the nurse yell "She's crashing again!" in an angry voice. I was standing beside/outside of my body, watching the nurse and doctor fiddle with the machines, then I was in another place entirely and forgot all about the fact that I was in the hospital.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? For the first time can remember since early childhood, I felt an absence of overwhelming emotions until I reached the border. No emotion, just thought without value judgments. There just was no emotion and that is true peace.
At the border, I felt afraid of the unhappy young
man, who was my step brother. I also
felt afraid I would not be able to find my way.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain There was no beacon-like light, but the light in certain places was more clear and pure than anything I have experienced.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
In my detailed description at the beginning of this questionnaire, I described the three young women who never left my presence until I reached the border and left them. Then I described the man in gray who showed up twice when I needed help getting to where I wanted to go.
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I saw my step brother. He committed suicide by hanging himself about four years prior to my experience. I described where and how I saw him in the overall description of my experience toward the beginning of this questionnaire.
Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
I already explained this in the overall description of my experience at the beginning.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
The things I experienced and did would have taken months, but I was only in a coma for three days.
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes
I reached a part of a city where my three companions could not come with me if I went any further. They had to stay there. Also, I was the only person going towards the boundary, not coming away from the boundary.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to "return" to life
I did not know I was returning to life, as I felt perfectly alive. But I was acutely aware of an irresistible compulsion to "go". I had to go somewhere. I did not know where I was going or know the way to get there, but I knew I wanted to leave. Other than the compulsion, there was nothing or no one who influenced my decisions or choices in any way.
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future
While I was being physically "transformed", my breasts were given special attention. (Go ahead and laugh, I would too, but seriously...) Anyway, they were healed and everything was set back the way it was supposed to be. I was told not to worry and everything was fine with them now. Shortly after my experience, I was told by my regular doctor to see a specialist about a condition in my left breast that had been bothering me for a very long time. The specialist said I had Paget's Disease of the breast, which is a form of breast cancer. She wrote it on a prescription and told me to research it while I waited for test results. I had every symptom of Paget's Disease. Tests came back and it turned out I was just fine and I do not have cancer at all.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)? Yes I saw my dead step brother. I saw a lot of people, but specifically I saw my dead step brother.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist? Yes There was no judgment. The Abrahamic god of Judaism/Christianity/Islam was not there waiting to judge me. I am not a Christian or Muslim, and I did not go to Hell. I was accompanied by guides the entire time, until I left and they could no longer follow me. I had complete and total freedom to do anything I wanted. No one told me what to do or where to go. Before I had my experience, I could not possibly have understood what freedom to choose truly feels like. I felt free in a way I never could comprehend before. Any choice or decision I made would have been honored to the fullest while I was in that other place.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships? No
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love? No
During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives? No
Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose? No
What occurred during your experience included: Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I did not believe that consciousness survives physical death. I attempted suicide believing I was initiating the complete annihilation of myself. I did not expect to visit another unearthly place with unearthly spirit people, for lack of a better word.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience as accurately as other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience: I realized that what I did in this life did not affect anything in the next life, if indeed the next life actually exists and I did not simply dream it up. Before I was an atheist, after having been raised Mormon. I studied religions extensively for eleven years before my experience. I studied the Abrahamic faiths, as well as tribal and indigenous practices, customs, and rituals. I studied Eastern beliefs, including certain Hindu faiths and philosophies. I slowly, over time, became an atheist.
Now I wonder if there is the possibility that what
I experienced really did happen, and was not the result of neurobiological
functions, or something else. I am
going to research NDEs and see if there is compelling evidence in either
direction for the belief that consciousness survives physical death.
My experience directly resulted in: Unknown
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience? Yes This Christian god I hear so much about is non-existent or not present on "the other side".
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes My intuition of peoples character is more acute and focused.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes. When I needed help to get back, someone materialized instantly.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it within a few weeks. Two people thought it was exceptionally profound. One person did not offer an opinion either way, but simply listened.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I read Betty Eddy, and a few articles here and there on NDEs. I studied occult practices and New Age beliefs. Most of them I disregarded or found interesting at best. I do not now and did not at the time of my experience, believe in a Christian god or creator deity.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was probably not real I believed that what I experienced was a dream or the result of biochemical occurrences in my brain resulting from oxygen deprivation, vital signs several times, and existing in a comatose state. I thought maybe it was real, but likely there is more evidence supporting the theory that NDEs are physically explained by science and medicine. Recently I have read more about NDEs and I realized those explanations are not proven, and I need to learn more before I dismiss the experience as a dream.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time: Experience was probably not real Recently I have read more about NDEs and I realized neurochemical and neurobiological explanations for NDEs are not proven, and I need to learn more before I dismiss the experience as a dream.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? No
Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes I'm more willing to consider the possibility of life after death.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes