Carl D NDE
Edited for clarity by Judy Shea 10/17/12
Not much to say about how it started. It was a rural party / celebration. An accidental fire / wildfire ensued. Panic, lots of people were frightened. Smoke, lots of smoke. Other than myself, no one was injured. Even all of the livestock and animals survived unscathed. I got lost, turned around, trying to rescue some of the ranch livestock. I got trapped behind oncoming flames and smoke. I collapsed, passed out. Next thing I knew, I was in an operating room where people were working on my body. It's like I was there, but I wasn't there. I died, or at least they said I'd died – I was clinically dead. And then I was alone, briefly – no people were in the room (they'd given up on me.) Then two friends were allowed to enter the room, and that's when I ... well, I left and was no longer aware of the hospital room or my friends. What happened after that seemed – at least to me – to last for days, or even weeks. But then suddenly I began to spontaneously breathe on my own again, with an erratic heart rate. My two friends screamed out for help; then right away there were lots of people working on me again. I was told it was a "miracle" – that I shouldn't have lived (not sure how I feel about that statement.) I know that there was a period that I hadn't been in this world, but that I was asked to "return." It was my choice (THEY said – and I wasn't like THEM. You would do anything THEY asked.) It wasn't like it was a question, even if that's the way THEY put it. I wasn't forced to decided as I did - even though I know I would always have agreed with whatever THEY asked. About what happened, what was asked of me, that's something for another time, I think.
At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes fire
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes absolutely
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Haha ... I'm not sure what to make of this question. Highest level? I have no way to compare. The place where I went wasn't here, wasn't this universe (or if even the word "universe" applies.) Everything there was made up of light, light that was light but wasn't light. I've never found adequate words for what to call it, except for "HOME." I just knew it was HOME, my real HOME. The place I'd been living – where I was born and grew up – that was no longer "home." It was only where I'd come from, where'd I been. And when I did return back to HERE, I felt totally out of place. This wasn't where I belonged anymore - it was only where I'm meant to be, just for a time. THEY promised that when I'm done, or when I've done all I can do, then I could go HOME again. To express what HOME was like has been impossible for me to do. Everything HOME is connected. It is all One. It's Light. And light is love, or what beings here call "love," I think. Peace. It is all at peace, except when they showed me the grey-things, in the "void." I never remember asking, but I must have. It was light and grey, light and shadow or absence of light, or just less light. All creatures / beings are of light, but some have more light, some less. I'm not sure if where I was was heaven, but I was at peace – I was loved, and I was HOME. Yet I was shown grey places, places where only one being, if any, exists inside each one. I was afraid of the grey places, and grey beings. They meant me no harm that I could tell. But they were sad, and all alone. I remember thinking, "I cannot become grey!" And I remember the only thoughts that provoked what you might call "fear" while I was HOME were those about the void places (the places without light, that don't exist.) Since returning, I've met a few grey people. I feel so sad around them, but I also fear being too close to them. One boy I met was from Denmark. We spoke about my experience, and his. He said he'd tried to kill himself, and he told me of going to the grey place, and of being all alone and afraid. And when he told me that, I remembered what I'd learned when I was HOME, about grey men, and grey places, and so I recognized him for what he was. My heart ached for him, and yet I was also frightened a little by him. I've met other friends who are believers in only the VOID, and I've even been in love with some of them – yet thinking of the emptiness they embrace always makes me cry, and I wonder what will happen when they die. When I go HOME, will I ever see them again? Will they have consciousness? Alertness? Much of what I knew when I was HOME was taken from me when I returned, or at least it faded somehow. At times bits and pieces seem to return. While I was HOME, I was more alive and at peace than I have ever been here.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal There is no comparison, this world is a grey place, with less life, less light than HOME had.
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.
You keep asking me to choose, "faster thoughts," "vivid senses." I don't feel these questions apply. It's like comparing two universes that have totally different laws of existence. I don't feel one can really be compared to the other.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. To the best of my knowledge, my hearing before I passed out had been "fading."
Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body? Yes. In the operating room, I remember not being in my body, but still hearing / seeing some events that went on during that time - but it's like time was out of synch, or "slipping."
What emotions did you feel during the experience? lol, in a word, from what I seem to remember, despite the trauma that I now know my body endured – to me, dying was easy.
One minute you're breathing, and the next, you're not. It was that simple – to simply give up, to release life. I remember being frightened of the fire and smoke, being confused, and then being more and more at peace. As a kid, it never occurred to me if I was ready for death or not. I don't remember ever really thinking about it. It's just something that happened, suddenly, and without any warning. The emotions I had, the powerful ones, didn't happen until AFTER the experience was over, and I was back HERE.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain. I passed from a grey earth-bound existence to one made up entirely of light – light that was brighter than the Sun. Light so white it seemed impossible. The transition wasn't painful, or frightening, but kind of exciting! Wonderful, and freeing!
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes. There are no words to describe it – incredibly white – but the light was actually made of all colors, like a rainbow, yet is was white light – again, I have no words to describe it. It was light, yet it was all life, too.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered definite beings, clearly of mystical or unearthly origin. When I was HOME, those around me, along with myself, we encountered THEM. All I knew was that THEY were ancient, and I was like a small child to them, or so I felt. They "appeared" like us, but instinctively you knew they weren't. They were also kind of sad. THEY told us how special we were. How it was becoming our time. THEY were like teachers, or guardians, or elders. Again, I have no words. I keep thinking they were angels, but having never met an angel, I had nothing to compare them to.
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Uncertain. I have tried to think in the terms I was raised to understand. God, The Holy Spirit, Christ, angels... None of that seemed to apply, or if it did, they weren't what I expected. There were the ones I think of as "ancient" that I simply call THEM. And there was this presence that was part of us ALL at HOME, in us all, and through us all. We were all ONE, all connected, and yet underneath that connection, there was something very powerful. At times I felt that it spoke to us, even perhaps to me directly, but THEY didn't speak of the power, nor give it a name, nor could I name it. But in my heart, I felt it was God, or at least what I imagine God must be. Of spirits by name, I have no memory of anyone directly. My parents and grandparents are all still living, and I've lost no one personally (yet) that I was strongly connected to HERE, so I'm not sure if I met anyone personally when I was HOME. If I did, those memories have faded since I returned HERE, as so many things I seem to vaguely remember, at one time, have.
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain
Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience? Yes
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Yes, a clearly mystical or unearthly realm. Like I said, it was a "universe" not bound by the scientific laws of HERE.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Yes, the first time I died (NDE) it was like I was there for days, weeks, even months. Time seemed to have no meaning in HOME. Yet I was told I was clinically dead only minutes. The 2nd NDE was brief. I was only HOME a few minutes, and the time I was in respiratory and cardiac arrest, my brain activity was not monitored, and I was quickly resuscitated.
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Understand everything? LOL, not sure, because I was so at peace when HOME, I really never questioned if I understood much of anything.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain. As I said, there were the grey places, there was the LIGHT, and the VOID. Though I never saw the VOID, I was aware of it. But it was as if it was something unreal, or imagined. When you're in the LIGHT, you believe only in the LIGHT. The VOID is the complete absence of the LIGHT, and you "feel" it's there, but never see it. The grey places, the few that were shown to me, I saw and experienced only briefly. I'm not even sure why I was shown them. I don't remember asking, and I had done nothing wrong, nor was I threatened by the showing - it's as if I was shown merely so I could understand.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to "return" to life.
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future. This isn't something I want to talk about. I was told what was expected of me, why it was important for me to return. I was shown "some things" and others were "hidden" temporarily. I'm not some kind of prophet, nor was I expected to give anyone warnings. I was asked to "help," nothing more, if I could. It was as if I've become a "tool." THEY told me if I failed, another or others would be sent. I can be replaced, but I wasn't meant to feel replaceable. THEY didn't make little of my volunteering, but THEY also wanted me to be at peace if I was unable to accomplish what I was sent to do. I think THEY were being kind, but now that I'm back, and thinking like a human again, I sometimes wonder if THEY lacked belief in my ability to do what they asked of me. When I think of HOME, I know this cannot be true. THEY would never ask something you're incapable of, nor would THEY attempt to bring you harm, or pain of any kind. Something important / vital is coming. THEY felt that those who wanted to help should be allowed to do so, if it was their choice. I'm not sure if I can be of any help, but I did agree to return. I'm no one special. Not in any way superior to anyone else HERE. I've tried to do what I was asked to, yet I constantly feel as if I've failed. Just before I returned, THEY told me "none will believe" or "no one will believe you." Words, English words, didn't always fit in with the way THEY communicated. At times I feel THEY were warning me, sometimes I feel it was an admonishment to try and prevent me from doing foolish things, other times I have no idea why THEY told me that.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)? Yes. There is HOME, it is where you go after HERE.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist? Uncertain. Someone, something, is HOME and is in all things. I have no words for what that power is.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime? Uncertain. Again, a topic I'm uncomfortable with. When I returned, I was – altered. It's like the old me (the one before the NDE) was someone else. There is this NEW part of me now, like someone who'd never existed before, and yet there is also this feelings that "part of me" is ancient, as if THEY put something inside of me that had never been there before. The NEW thing and the ANCIENT thing feel the same; but whatever it is, it wasn't part of who I was before I died. Or if it has always been a part of me, then it would have been sleeping while I lived before, and would be something newly awakened.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist? Yes. In HOME, all are ONE, and yet there are things there that are beyond the ONE that make up the individuals that we are while still being ONE. It makes no sense, I know that, yet it feels true.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose? Yes. HERE self-preservation, vanity, self-centeredness are the norm. It's biological instinct / animal instinct to do all with yourself as the center of your existence. HOME teaches that it's the connections that give us our strength and that it's in giving and in sharing that we become our true potential. Pain is part of life. It's essential. You should not run from it, or fear it. Without pain, how would you know love is real? That breath really comes? That hot and cold exist? So much we see as reality HERE will fade, and what we didn't want to believe in or see HERE, will become reality in HOME. Writing this is so frustrating. My words don't give me satisfaction in conveying what I really wish I could describe. I'm not sure any words in English could ever do that, or even in any human language.
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships? Uncertain. HERE self-preservation, vanity, self-centeredness are the norm. It's biological instinct / animal instinct to do all with yourself as the center of your existence. HOME teaches that it's the connections that give us our strength and that in giving in sharing we become our true potential. Pain is part of life. It's essential. You should not run from it, or fear it. Without pain, how would you know love is real? That breath really comes? That hot and cold exist? So much we see as reality HERE will fade, and what we didn't want to believe in or see HERE, will become reality in HOME. Writing this is so frustrating. My words don't give me satisfaction in conveying what I really wish I could describe. I'm not sure any words in English could ever do that, or even in any human language
During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love? Yes. LIGHT (HOME) = LOVE (HERE)
It's that simple.
During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information /
awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living
our earthly lives?
I'm no one's shepherd, nor did I return to save mankind. Each being must be
their own judge and savior. Again, things were shown to me, and things were
asked of me, yet in the end I'm responsible only for myself. All I have of value
is what I can GIVE. If that giving brings more LIGHT, then I've succeeded. To
alter the life choices of others, or to attempt to do so, is to assume
responsibility for others as well. To live by example is one thing, and it is
LIGHT. To direct others is another, and can turn grey. I will choose only to
share and to give, and I pray I never just take, except what is given freely by
others of like mind.
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?
occurred during your experience included:
Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs I had at
the time of my experience.
accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events
that occurred around the time of the experience?
not know how my remembrance of the experience compares to my remembrance of
other life events at time.
experience directly resulted in:
changes in my life.
you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that
occurred as a result of the experience?
you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience
that you did not have before the experience?
you ever shared this experience with others?
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks)
after it happened:
Experience was definitely real.
do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:
Experience was definitely real.
your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes.
the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you? Find out if I'm alone in what I experienced or if there are others out there with similar experiences.