Anita E's NDE-Like

I was in an extreme emotional state. I had periodically suffered bouts of depression but this time I was unable to work myself out of it. I was not on any medication, nor had it ever occurred to me to seeks professional help for it. I understand now that possibly heredity and a traumatic childhood contributed to my illness.  Anyway, I had secluded myself in my apartment, stopped going to work, couldn't eat or sleep. I just paced and paced with my thoughts racing. At some point I thought, I want to die and I said aloud," Please, God, don't let me die like this!" 

In that instant I was somewhere else. There was darkness, I think somewhere to my right but before me was this incredible Light. So very bright, inviting, loving. At the same moment I felt an all pervasive sense of acceptance, love and warmth, I experienced a life review. Every moment of my life and everything I had forgotten or was not particularly aware of at the time.

The voice from the Light was speaking to me, not in words, rather like transferred knowledge and assurance. At the time I thought of myself as a damaged person and did not like myself. The Voice told me I was perfectly fine and that all the things I thought were flaws were illusions and " negative stuff" simply laid over my true being like a dirty coat. The Light loved me unconditionally. I felt I was "Home."

I was estranged from my father at the time. I remember seeing my father in my life review and understanding that he had behaved the way he did because of a continuum of actions in his life and before his life. I understood where other people were coming from, right, wrong or indifferent. At the same time I also understood that everything happens as they are meant to. I knew the "Why". That is one of the things I can't remember. But it made perfect sense and I thought, "Yes, of course, how could I have forgotten?" It was so SIMPLE!  I was shown what was important and what was not. Love above all was the purpose of the Universe and that we are all interconnected.

In the next instant(?) I was back sitting on the edge of my bed. I felt light, happy, blissful. I also felt like God had picked me up by the scruff of my neck and shook the nonsense out of me. I was AWAKE!  In the experience everything seemed to have happened all at once. The Light, the voice, the life review, the imparting of immense knowledge.  I had not left my apartment in days but I immediately went outside and marveled at everything I saw. I just walked up and down the streets feeling so happy and relieved. This feeling lasted several days. I eventually went back to my "normal" consciousness" but I have never forgotten the experience or the lessons I learned.

I've had many more lessons to learn but I believe if I had not had the gift of this experience I would not have survived. I do not know of any specific purpose for any of us other than the injunction that we help each other and that self-absorbed selfishness is a waste of opportunity or worse.

I feel the Voice, "God" is with me and all of us, always, and I have no fear of dying. I firmly believe we will all go Home.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          Yes    We don't have the vocabulary. The experience was "like this" and "like that."  The experience of Oneness, the experience of the "suchness" of things cannot be fully expressed. In everyday consciousness we experience things within the perception of time and space. There is no time and space. These are conventions and illusions.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes    I was in extreme and prolonged anxiety and emotional pain. Mt thoughts were racing. I think this is what used to be called a nervous breakdown. I describe it as hanging by your heels over the abyss. I felt as if I were flying apart. I think it was my sense of Self, my ego, being shredded away. I wanted to die to escape the pain. The only thing that stopped me was my belief that we take our problems with us.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?  No time. It was instantaneous. I don't know how long it lasted. A second, an hour?  I was in another place where there was no time.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?          More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:        The consciousness I experienced was like WAKING UP. I felt the knowledge I had was something that had always been within me, but suppressed, forgotten.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?          Yes    I only saw the Light. The Light was everything.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            Yes    I "heard" the voice. I perceived the voice as GOD.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Great peace, unconditional love, united with the Source. I felt I had come home. This was where I had always yearned to be.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?        No      In an instant I saw the Light. There was blackness, but I don't recall passing through it as others have described. I have only a dimly remembered sense of it.

Did you see a light?         Yes    Incredibly bright yet soothing. Brighter than anything I can describe.  The voice was from the Light.

Did you meet or see any other beings?         No     

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?   Yes    I saw everything, every second of my life. Along with this review was an understanding of why things happened the way they did and an understanding of why others acted in the way they did. Some things that I had I felt bad about, that is, things I felt guilty about were trivial and I understood that I need not feel bad about them. Other things I did that I had not even considered, were improper, like thoughts of malice toward others, I understood that intentions and ill-will were very serious "sins."  The voice did not tell me this, rather it caused me to understand it. I realized I had always had this knowledge but had forgotten it. I judged myself. I remember thinking, "Yes, of course, how could I have forgotten?"

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         Uncertain     I am writing about what I remember. I know there were things I immediately "forgot."

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?          Yes    Keen understanding that I was "in" what the Buddhist call The Void. A no place where there is no such thing as time.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes    This is what we have no vocabulary for.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes    Everything made perfect sense. Everything happens as it should happen. The knowledge I received averred that everything is pre-destined. Later, I was not comfortable with that assessment since, in our culture, we are raised to be self-determining. Also, reconciling the horrific things we do to each other to some idea of fate is distasteful. Yet, I could not shake that conviction. Since then I have a better understanding about free-will and cause and effect.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No     

Did you become aware of future events?      No         

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?       Yes    Since I was a child peculiar things have occurred. Sometimes I dream of events that happen later. When I was younger they frightened me.

Since the experience I either ignore them, because they are distracting and not really that important or if persistent and vivid, I try to figure out what they mean. I am more interested in being "aware" moment to moment.

However, from day to day, I find a lot of synchronicity and coincidence in my life. I am sensitive to other's moods and energy. I sense things in others and am able to "tap into" their special ness, their love. It is not an accident that I have become a counselor.

I have learned to avoid things that drain me emotionally and cultivate thoughts and actions that increase well-being. I sometimes sense that feeling of Oneness, though not as vividly as the NDE experience.

Have you shared this experience with others?        Yes    The first person I told was horrified and broke all contact with me. Another person bluntly told me I had had a psychotic break. I've told very few others.  In all these years only one person told me they had experienced something similar.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No      I definitely didn't know anything about NDE's. For years afterward I thought of the experience as "my epiphany." I though of the Voice as "The Beloved." I was very private about it.

I think I first read about it from a book by Dr. Moody. I was excited by what I read because it sounded so much like my experience, but since the antecedent event leading up to my experience was not life-threatening I didn't think it was an NDE. Years later I read an account of a man who only thought he was about to die and had an experience. I also read the list of characteristics of an NDE and thought my experience applied.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   I have never forgotten it. I had a sense that that "experience" is right in front of us every moment. It is as if there is a curtain before our eyes. God is immediate, within everything every moment. Life, at it's deepest level, is about trying to access the real reality of existence.  There have been difficult times but never so bad that I spiraled into a suicidal state again. The conviction of that experience is sustaining.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? These conclusions from the experience remain firmly in my convictions.  God exists and God is Love.  The Universe is Love.  We are here to help each other.  We are all interconnected.  There is no such thing as Time.  The Mind is Eternity.

On a personal level I understood during my life review why certain unfortunate things had happened to me and I could make peace with my emotional turmoil. Because of the experience I could move forward and grow. I still had much to learn, am still learning. Coming out of the experience I was no longer depressed, I was blissfully happy. That heightened sense of well-being lasted several days afterward.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:          Experience was definitely real         Hard to explain. My conviction is my reality. It is as if I said, "The words you are reading and the key strokes I am hitting are real."  It's as simple as that.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?          Yes    My ability to feel compassion has expanded as I get older. It is not an effort to feel compassion, even toward those who may wish me harm. I no longer get caught up in other's emotional turmoil. I am much more tolerant of others opinions and do not feel a need to defend my own. I have let go of resentments and am vigilant about not nurturing new resentments. Life is short.  We have a chance here and now to get it right.  I like people and enjoy their company but I spend most of my time alone. I am never lonely.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes    After my experience I spent many years looking at different beliefs and religions.