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Angel NDE


I had been suffering horribly from a chronic case of Lyme disease since I was in high school and I was now 31 years old. I was so sick of being sick and had deteriorated to the point of needing someone to help me with basic daily tasks such as eating, bathing, walking, etc. I was in a wheelchair for the most part by this point in my life and I was miserable. I had started taking my prescribed pain medications and Ativan excessively just to escape my life. On this day my mom found me laying back in a recliner and in her words "barely breathing". She reports that I was breathing about 3 or 4 times a minute even when she was shaking me trying to wake me up. She called 911 and I'm told that the paramedics came and rushed me to the hospital ER. I do not remember any of this. My memory begins when they were wheeling me out of the ambulance and into the ER.

I remember thinking I was dying and I felt totally ok with that. I remember feeling completely at peace and enveloped by love... that it was ok... that EVERYTHING was ok. I had no fear whatsoever. I have moments that I remember, sort of like snapshots in time... and I have a general memory of how I was feeling. I was told later that my eyes were not open.. that I was "unconscious".. but I could see. The doctors assumed that I had probably had an accidental or possibly intentional overdose of pain medications so they told the nurse to give me a dose of Narcan. Nothing happened. I heard the doctor say "oh shit" and told the nurse to give me another dose. Nothing happened. This is confirmed by my mother who never left the room.   

I felt no pain. I felt as though I was a part of this experience physically and at the same time not a part of it. Like I was in it AND I was watching it or something. It's super hard to explain. Apparently it all happened quite fast but to me it felt like it happened over hours. I was calm and then after they gave both doses of Narcan with no response somehow I suddenly realized I wasn't "done" here and I begged "God" to let me stay. I told "Him" that if "He" let me stay that I would do something really good with my life and that I would fight to survive my Lyme disease. I felt like I was "hugged" at this point and then suddenly I was fully in my body alert and aware and kicking and screaming and in a massive amount of pain. I do not remember much after that for a couple days. I am told they kept me in the hospital overnight and are still unsure what happened to me from a medical standpoint.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     It feels difficult to "remember".. like it was an experience but did not have time constraints or exact moments.. it was more about emotions and something that I cannot use our words for..

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     I was found barely breathing and taken by ambulance to the ER.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    I felt the most alert when I was feeling so at peace.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            I felt the most alert when I was feeling so at peace.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     It seemed like things were blurry and vague.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            No      

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            as described in my statement... extreme love and peace and joy and a sense of calm that I have no words for... and then at the end I had fear that I was not going to be able to finish what I needed to here (whatever that is)

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No      

Did you see a light?           Uncertain     

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No      

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    Uncertain      it was more like in one moment I understood my entire life to that point and knew that I was not "finished" here

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Yes     the doctor telling the nurse to give me more Narcan and then saying "oh shit"

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No           

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     like it was slowed

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes     I had a sense that God IS love, that God is not anything from religion like I had ever learned. I knew my purpose was much more than I had thought and that my life was going to be about other people and giving love. I knew "God" to be absolutely real and that death is not to be feared.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Uncertain      I am still very confused about it all. I have difficulty with the concept of time itself (it feels so unnatural to me that we all rush around and sleep then get up and rush around and then sleep and then do it all again etc) and I feel like I have very strong "gut reactions" to people.. I often feel that I am excessively empathetic.. like I take on others' emotions somehow but I have learned to separate myself from it.. I also feel extreme sadness when I see cruelty in the world so I have stopped watching the news or reading the paper. Sometimes the world seems extremely harsh.

Since I became a nurse and started working in the ER and the ICU I have had a number of times that a patient passed away or was in the process (we call it "coding") and I just somehow KNEW they were watching us trying to save them. I have been there when patients were "coding" and we were doing CPR and I just KNEW they were already gone like I know my own name. On one occasion I was the RN for a man who was a "terminal wean" meaning we turn off all the machines and medications and keep them comfortable with pain medicine and let them go. I was standing at the end of his bed looking at him and consoling his family and then I suddenly felt like he was hovering above me and I felt very peaceful about it.. it was weird. It was shortly after that he "flat lined" on the monitor. Geez this all sounds so strange when I put it here in print... it's no wonder I've never told anyone...

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     I have shared it with one friend who is very ill, although I definitely have held back on many of the details and downplayed my experience out of fear of not being believed or being misunderstood.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Uncertain            As a kid I heard a couple stories about people going into a "white light" but that's it.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real   

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            The moment I asked "God" to let me live.. because I promised "Him" that I would make my life mean something and I promised that I would fight the Lyme disease with everything I had. This experience happened at a time when I was so sick of being sick that if it was possible to will yourself to die I probably would have. Basically I had felt suicidal for a long time but could not bring myself to attempt suicide so for me to want to live and to somehow "understand" in my soul that "God" was going to all me to recover from my illness and LIVE my life this time around was a HUGE deal. It still took another year but I made a full recovery from my illness and not only got rid of the wheelchair but also was able to go back to college and became a nurse.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real    It was entirely life altering. It changed me at the core of my being. I have felt like I don't "fit" in this world ever since this experience. I don't even know what this experience is called so I am posting it here in the hopes that someone will read it and tell me. I now believe that ALL life is connected and people tease me all the time and call me a "tree hugger". I really do believe that we are all connected and I cannot help but feel love and compassion towards others since this happened to me. It was REAL.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     I am much more loving and kind and gentle.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?           
Yes     I was raised Christian and I now believe that there is NO religion that defines "God" because "God" can't be defined. It/He/She/Whatever just IS. I do not go to church but I practice spirituality. I pray and meditate regularly.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No       There was one time during a guided imagery deep meditation that I felt like I left my body briefly and was in a beautiful garden surrounded in white light and for a split second I felt the "relief" of peace and love that I felt during my experience. I miss it so much.           

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes     I hope that what I've said makes some sense to someone. I'm still trying to understand what happened to me but I know it altered my life in a way I can't describe.