My near-death experience occurred
when I was five years old, in Russia where I was born and lived at the time, on
a holiday trip to the Black Sea where I went with my mother and grandparents.
this particular day we had all gone down to the beach. The sea was rough, and my
mother was standing in the water holding me in her arms. I remember feeling safe
and secure, although the waves were huge, enormous from my five-year old
perspective, and being excited as they came crushing over my mother and me, one
by one. Then this particularly big wave hit us, my mother lost her balance, lost
her grip, and I was washed away by the wave.
a moment I felt the utter fear of death, my body instinctively sensing this
being a life-threatening situation. I held my breath and struggled to find
something to hold on to, to save myself, but my hands were only grasping water.
Only water was everywhere, I was helpless, completely out of control. When I
realized there was no use to fight, nothing to get a grip on, I surrendered. I
let go of my breathing, let go of trying to save myself, let go of the struggle
for life, and allowed whatever was happening to me to happen.
thing I remember is feeling the most profound and utter sense of peace I ever
felt in my life. Suddenly I was feeling completely safe, being enveloped and
protected by something I can only describe as complete unconditional love. This
love was all around me, it was everywhere, but at the
same time it was also me, the one I was, my innermost essence. There
was no longer any fear, no worries, no struggle for anything, and I could've
gone on being wherever I was, and feeling the way I was forever.
felt as though I was finally being my true self. There were no limits or
limitations what so ever, I could go wherever I wanted, know whatever I wished,
do anything. The sense of freedom was inexplicable. I was also strangely aware
that the thing we ordinarily call 'time' now was suspended, and no longer
I was swept away by some unknown force, and started to move at an enormous
speed, which felt a lot faster than the speed of light. I traveled
an enormous distance, literally traveled
'beyond the world'. I didn't
have any sense of having a 'body', just of moving like a thunderbolt through a
darkness toward a point of brilliant light in the distance, and as I came closer
to this light my only desire was to get to it, to get to where this light was.
I reached the point of light I found myself in a world of light. Everything in
this place was made of, and radiated light. It was beautiful and radiant beyond
expression. 'Heaven' would be an adequate description, but I had no religious
feeling, and knew there was no such thing
as a 'hell.' I knew, without knowing how and why I knew this, that this was the
place where everyone eventually got when they died, regardless of who they were
and what they had done during their lives.
the midst of the light, stood a male figure. It was radiating this light, and
radiating this totally unearthly complete unconditional Love. I was embraced by
this being, or enveloped in its light, which felt like an embrace. Suddenly I
remembered this place. This was my home, the place that was really my home, and
I wondered how I could've
ever forgotten about it. I felt as though after a long, difficult journey in a
foreign country I finally had come home, and the being of light who was there
before me was the being that knew me better than anyone else in creation.
being of light knew everything about me. It knew all I had ever thought, said or
done, and it showed me my whole life in a flash of an instant. I was shown all
of the details in my life, the one Iīd already lived, and all that was to come
if I returned to earth. It was all there at the same time, all the details of
all the cause and effect relations in my life, all that was good or negative,
all of the effects my life on earth had had on others, and all of the effects
the lives of others that had touched me had had on me. Every single thought and
feeling was there, nothing was missing. And I could experience the feelings and
thoughts of all the other people involved myself, almost become them, which gave
me pure experiential understanding of what brought other people pain, or joy,
the positive or negative experiences and effects of my own actions.
being was not judging me in any way during the life review, even though I saw a
lot of shortcomings in my life. It simply showed my life the way it had been to
me, loved me unconditionally, which gave me the strength I needed to see it all
the way it was without any blinders, and let me decide for myself what was
positive, negative, and what I needed to do about that. I don't
remember any details of the events that were shown to me, neither past nor
future, but I remember what was most important.
being of light showed me that all that was really important in life was the love
we felt, the loving acts we preformed, the loving words we spoke, the loving
thoughts we held. All that was made, said, done, or even thought without love
was undone. It didn't
matter. It simply did no longer exist. Love was all that was really important,
only love was real. Everything we did lovingly was as is was supposed to be. It
was okay. It was good.
the love we'd felt during our lives was all that was left when everything else,
everything perishable in life, had vanished.
I remember finding myself in some other place, not knowing how I'd
gotten there. The first being of light was gone, and I was surrounded by other
beings, or people, who I felt as though I 'recognized.' These beings were like
family, old friends, who'd
been with me for an eternity. I can best describe them as my spiritual, or soul
family. Meeting these beings was like reuniting with the most important people
in ones life, after a long separation. There was an explosion of love and joy on
seeing each other again between us all.
beings communicated with me, and one another in some kind of telepathical way.
We spoke without words, directly, from mind to mind, or from spirit to spirit.
None of us had any bodies. We were all made of some unknown substance, like a
concentration of pure light, we were like dots of light in the light everywhere
around us. Everybody knew what everybody else 'had in mind' instantly. There was
no possibility, or need to hide anything from anybody. This kind of
communication made misunderstandings impossible, and made us close in a way
almost impossible to describe. We were all individuals, but at the same time we
were all one, united by indestructible bonds of love forever, and also united
with the light in the world of light around us, being part of it, and part of
each others light.
love these beings of light exuded
healed me, swept away all the darkness in me, erased all of the pain and sorrow I'd
accumulated during my life on earth. Earth and the life I'd
lived on it felt very distant, was getting more distant all the time, almost
like it had never really existed at all. I was in this place with my soul family
for a period of time that felt like an eternity. No 'time' in the usual sense
existed here. Neither did the concept of 'space', but even so there were
different places to go, and spans of time that passed by. This is a
contradiction in terms, but it is the only way I'm
able to explain it in words. Spaceless space, timeless time. In this place there
was only pure Being.
being 'healed' I don't
remember what we did, just that we were together, and enjoyed it enormously. I
remember this 'world' of light as being huge, an enormous place, a place without
limits or borders, neither individual or external. I remember all beings who
were in this place had complete, total knowledge, about all and everything. It
was all pleasant, loving, beautiful beyond expression. Every 'thing' and 'being'
in this place was made of light, and everything was light, even though there
were individual 'things' and 'beings'. The light is what I remember best. It was
living. Alive. A living light, that was everything and all, the essence of
everything and all.
thing I remember is suddenly finding myself back in the presence of the being of
met first, and told I had to go back. I said: no way, I won't
do it. This was about the last thing I wanted to do. Life on earth, filled with
darkness, pain, sorrow, limits and limitations, was like a horrifying prison
compared to this wonderful place, and I simply refused to go back. I was told
that it wasn't
my time, that I'd
been granted a visit 'back home', but that I had to fulfill my purpose and do
the work I myself had chosen to do on earth. The being of light reminded me that
my purpose was to learn more about love, compassion, and how to express them on
earth, and that my work was to help other people in any way I could. I had
chosen this myself. And it told me that I would be back in the world of light in
Never forget, in reality there is no time, only eternity itself, it said.
thing I knew I was back, feeling my body, the wave washed me up on shore again,
and I was crawling up the shore coughing
up a lot of seawater.
a child, I forgot my near-death experience, and the memory of it didn't
return until many years later. Even so, it has always been with me and given me
strength, to cope with difficulties in my own life, and to help and support
others. During the whole of my professional
been working with helping others in different ways. At the age of eighteen I
started working with elderly people, dying, senile, physically and emotionally
ill people. I worked with people with AIDS and the mentally ill. Later on I
worked in the mental health care and social care area, among people with
psychological, social, existential, emotional and spiritual difficulties, and
always felt my work as being deeply meaningful, even before remembering my
near-death experience. Currently I'm
also working as a psychosynthesis therapist, which is a branch in transpersonal
near-death experience also put the foundation to my lifelong interest in the
paranormal, the mystical, the unusual and the spiritual, which I've
had for as long as I can remember, not knowing why for many years. It
has made me explore unknown dimensions, it made me seek and find the
answers to many questions, and to constantly strive to learn more about life,
death and everything in-between,
and to seek out ever new ways of helping others, which for me is the most
meaningful things one can do in life. In the end the near-death experience
taught me as much about living as about dying. And it keeps on doing so.
Any associated medications or substances with the potential to
affect the experience:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
What was it
about the experience that makes it hard to communicate? At
the time of my experience I was five years old, and didnīt have the vocabulary
to express it in words. Even now itīs difficult to express, because this
experience takes place in another realm from our ordinary waking consciousness,
a realm where words do not apply. They are a human, earthly means of
communication. There is also no vocabulary to describe the kind of experiences
and feelings involved, so one almost has to invent it.
At the time of the experience, was there an associated life
was near drowning when bathing in the ocean.
What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the
More alert, more expanded than ever. It was actually like I knew
everything about everything. Total, complete knowledge. Total, complete,
Was the experience dream like in any way? No,
it was REAL, more real than any reality I have ever experienced either before or
after. This was reality in truth. That is also why Iīve called my company,
where I work as a therapist, Reality Center. This life, the 'ordinary' life I
lead on earth, is more like the dream compared to the NDE.
Did you experience a separation of consciousness from your body? Yes
Describe your appearance or form apart from your body: Pure
'mind', pure 'consciousness', without limits or limitations. The substance I,
and the beings I encountered in the world of light, (see above) were made of,
was like a concentration of light. We were the light, only of a different
density than other things and beings around us.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Complete,
profound peace, overwhelming joy, uttermost sense of freedom, complete
all-encompassing unconditional love, mostly love. A love no words can describe.
Also deep sadness and sorrow, on returning and leaving the world of light.
Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Uncertain
I passed, traveled,
through a darkness before reaching the world of light. At the time, though, I
had no notion that what I was passing through was a tunnel. I didnīt care. I
just wanted to reach the light, so I guess I didnīt notice.
Did you see a light? Yes
living light, that was all and everything, the essence of everything and all. I
didnīt only 'see' this light, me, all the other beings I encountered, and
everything in this place WAS this light. This, I believe, is the foundation for
what many spiritual and religious teachings and traditions have described, being
at one with everything. If everything in its essence consists of this light,
then everything really is one, and that is what I experienced.
Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes
Did you experience a review of past events in your life? Yes
Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during
your experience that could be verified later? Yes
...but nothing that could be considered
as 'evidence'. It mostly concerned personal issues in my family and my life,
things Iīve found out many years later and already 'knew,' remembering them
from the life review.
Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive
locations, levels or dimensions?
above. I donīt know of any other 'levels' in this place where I was during the
Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes
time. No space. Eternity. Infinity.
Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order
personal purpose was to learn about love and all the ways to express it on
earth, and to help other people in any way I could. In a way I believe it is the
true life purpose of all, especially learning about love and expressing love.
Only love is real. When everything else is gone, only love will remain.
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did you become aware of future events? Yes
know I was shown events that would come to pass and people I would meet if I
went back, but unfortunately, or fortunately, Iīve forgotten them all.
Sometimes when things happen in my life, and I meet people I know Iīve
physically never met before, I 'know' and 'remember' them.
Were you involved in or aware of a decision to return to the body? Yes
This part of the experience was the most 'practical'.
The being of light told me I had to back, and I said: nope. I remember in this
the being treated me kind of like an adult would treat a child, I was a child,
but this was more like being a child in a spiritual sense - and an adult in a
spiritual sense. It kind of smiled at me and firmly but tenderly told me: you
have to. This is you work. This is your part. You have to do it. It reminded me
that I had chosen it myself. And I acted like a child, I just refused to do it.
Since remembering my NDE Iīve also remembered this refusing to go back to life
on earth, and found it to be the foundation to many existential and emotional
problems and difficulties Iīve had in my life since. I had to work on this in
therapy, and finally came to the point where I did accept to go back, chose it
myself, something I never did during the actual near-death experience.
Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts
following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Yes
After the experience I acquired
a kind of 'seeing' that enabled me to see through, and beyond peoples outer
appearance, seeing their hidden pains, wants, needs and yearning, their hidden
agendas and subconscious life strategies. This 'ability' have given me quite
some problems, until I learned to live with it and put it to good use. Sometimes
I get precognitive dreams and a lot of intuitive 'knowings'.
Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the
I really don't know what I would've grown up to be without the
experience since I was a child without readily formed attitudes and beliefs. But
I'm pretty certain itīs the
experience that's made me a spiritually inclined
person without any prerequisites
for dogmas or religious rituals. It has also made me very open for concepts like
reincarnation, and I feel more drawn to eastern spiritual teachings and
practices than western, and more to experiential spirituality than beliefs or
Has the experience affected your relationships?
Daily life? Religious
practices etc.? Career choices?
The only career I've ever done or wanted is as a 'helper'. This has
always been the most meaningful line of work for me, even though I've often
worked without recognition, in jobs with no, or very little social 'status', low
salaries, and among people who often are considered
to be more or less worthless and among the most outcast in contemporary western
society. I've loved, and continue to love my work. It has affected my relationships
in a more mixed way, both positive, since in all and everything I do I try to
have love as a foundation, and negative, since I've often experienced being
misunderstood with the outlook and goals I have in life. I don't care for
material things, for money, for 'success'. The only things I care about in life
is the ones that the knowledge I gained through the NDE conveyed to me. I always
look for the deeper meaning of life. There are also people who have not very
much appreciated my ability to 'see', since there often are semi truths,
untruths and hidden agendas between people, which in our society is almost considered
'normal', when the 'normal' mode of communication and interpersonal
relationships for me is total truth and not hiding anything. This ability of
mine has sometimes been difficult to integrate in everyday life.
Have you shared this experience with others? Yes
different, from fascination curiosity, and being deeply touched, to disbelief,
to fear and rejection. Naturally,
the ones that understand the experience and itīs effects the best are other
but I've often also found it very meaningful to share it with people who are
ill, maybe even dying, and people who are fearful of death, which Iīve found to
be a huge common fear in western society.
What emotions did you experience following your experience? Joy,
wonderment, peace. Also sadness and sorrow upon coming back and having to enter
this realm of darkness, pain and limitations, which it is compared to the world
What was the best and worst part of your experience? The
worst was the fear of death before the experience started, and coming back. The
best was meeting the being of light I was with during the life review. It was
the being most important to me, ever.
Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the
The near-death experience puts us face to face with death, and
accordingly puts us face to face with life. Life and death are intertwined, inseparable
part of each other. Learning to live is learning to die, and learning to die is
learning to live fully. As long as we are afraid of death, we are afraid of
life. If we are afraid of dying, we are also afraid of really living.
Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes
Following the experience, have you had any other events in your
life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
Some deep self-exploration work Iīve done, meditation, spontaneous
experiences of light and unusual peace, experiences occurring
in close, loving relationships.
Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Please offer any suggestions you have to improve the www.nderf.org
Do you think there was any reason for
your getting this experience?:)
I believe many NDErs around the world are actually having an impact on, and
changing the collective consciousness of the current times. They are bringing
the perspective of universal understanding,
universal unity, universal humaneness
and compassion, universal love, things that are badly needed in our times.
Please check out this contributor's web site (Excellent):