We Are ALL Loved
by Daniel Neiman from S. Korea
This is perhaps the most important message to be learned from studying Near-Death Accounts. The message is that no matter who you are, what crimes and atrocities you have committed in life, or what crimes and atrocities have been visited upon you--you are infinitely loved by the Light. You may have lived, or currently live, in darkness but the Light is still a part of you. Your soul still belongs to this Light we call God. You are still His child, and as such you are loved and forgiven for everything that you do. No matter the hurt you have caused in others, God knows your ignorance and is always there to redeem you. Likewise, no matter what hurt has been visited upon you, God is with you. You may have given up on God, but God never gives up on you. There is always a plan for you, a direction that is in tune with the light, no matter where you find yourself right now. Because if you are still alive, there is a reason for your being here; God still needs you here. You’ve had the experiences that you’ve had in order to learn and to grow spiritually. Please have hope for tomorrow. Don’t give up. Below I present accounts of NDEs where people have experienced God’s love, even when they had been in a bad place before the experience.
I would like to open up with an experience of a soldier in the Vietnam war. Here is his story:
“Back in 1969, I was in Vietnam doing my patriotic duty and teaching others how to do theirs. I was a Green Beret trainer in hand to hand combat in guerrilla warfare. I felt the caring of enemy soldiers was like a giant video or chess game. I gave no thought at all to the fact that the enemy really had personalities, names, parents, wives, children complete with their own individual fears, goals, hopes and dreams. It just wasn’t anything I gave any thought to. They were just numbers to me. High kill numbers were good the higher the better. A conscience didn’t pay off in the military, high kill numbers did.
I was mean, tough, and macho. I could use every part of my body to kill. I was a trainer of such men as well. I’d been a bit too cocky one day and almost paid the ultimate price. I was caught off guard and was taken out by a mortar shell. I floated above my body and didn’t feel any pain.
[. . .] I felt a sucking sensation downward and was suddenly in a trench. This trench was filled with blood, guts and body parts. It had a consistency of thick beef stew. To make matters worse, I saw Asian looking men, women and even little children standing on both banks of this trench. They were pointing at me screaming. They grabbed at me as I sloshed and struggled my way through the revolting smelling mess toward a distant spot of light. These people on the banks were missing parts of their faces, bodies and limbs. A mother was holding her infant, and both of them had bullet holes in their faces. Even though they were speaking Vietnamese, I could tell that they were screaming that I was in some way responsible for their condition and their deaths. They were so horribly frightening that I tried to stay focused only on the light. I felt that if I could just reach the light I would be safe. None of these dismembered people on the banks ever touched me, but I felt that I was running a gauntlet anyway.” (Soldier’s)
He must now face the pain and horror of his own creation. If he allows himself, he might become overcome by the grief and horror surrounding him. The souls of those bodies which he so mercilessly killed are all a part of him and are trying to make him feel their pain. That is why he must stay focused on the Light. In the spiritual realm, we realize that we are all a part of each other. We all come from the same source and are united by that source. Therefore, the pain which you inflict on others is in one sense inflicted on you. After death, you will have to experience this pain and suffering as if it is your own. It’s not meant for punishment, but for learning the error of your ways. What better way to learn than to actually feel the pain of the other from their perspective? Some people die to escape suffering, but the only way to truly escape suffering is through forgiveness and opening up to love. Continuing on. . .
“One of the most haunting memories of this torturous journey was of a six year old thin little girl I had referred to as Miss Piglet (due to the fact that she always hung around begging for food and candy and was filthy). She showed up at our camp one day and had something concealed in a bag slung over her shoulder. She looked as if she was about to do something that she knew she should not be doing. I carefully drew a bead on her from about 50 feet away and thought, "If she pulls out anything suspicious she is history". I saw her reach into her bag and pull out something that looked like a grenade. I thought "She has a grenade in that bag and has been sent to blow up my guys!" I then blew off the top of her head with a single shot. Her brother later told some of the other guys that she had been trying to find an American who would hide a puppy that she had become attached to, and to save it from becoming part of the family dinner that evening. Several of the guys had criticized me for reacting too quickly in firing, when in fact I had only seen the head of the black puppy from a distance and thought it was a grenade. I shrugged it off in my usual manner saying "She was an unfortunate victim of war". One of the people on the banks of the river of blood and guts was this little Vietnamese girl. She was screaming at me with what was left of her face. I was horrified and filled with guilt.
After I’ve gone through what seemed like miles of this trench, I heard my deceased best friend’s voice from high school telling me that I can do it. I can make it. I knew he was giving me encouragement. The encouragement I needed to make it to the light.
My friend, Ed, had died one and a half years ago in a hunting accident. Yet here he was suddenly helping me out of the trench and hugging me warmly. I felt tremendous relief, love and acceptance. Tears of joy ran down both of our faces. "Hey man" he said, I know that was rough. But you needed it, you were getting just a little bit too callous and that isn’t like you. It just wasn’t the Keith I knew when we played football together and hung around in high school. I took a good look around and was in awe by the incredible beauty of the place of where we both stood. It was like a meadow like a sparkling stream running through it. The colors were much more vivid than on earth. I noticed for the first time that Ed was glowing, and I looked at my own arms and they glowed slightly too. He said to me, "you are not doing the right thing, you should not be doing this killing. Your mission is to help others and to protect them. You will learn more about your mission as you go along, but for now you need to go back. This is your home and you will return, but for now you need to go back and discover your mission in full." As soon as he said that I felt a pop and was instantly in pain and lying in a hospital bed.
[. . .] Since my Vietnam experience, I had felt a compelling protective need toward women and children. I even help out by volunteering to build shelters for abused and displaced women and their children. I have had some paranormal experiences since then but we will save that for a later time. I hope that this NDE will shed some light on your research.” (Soldier’s)
He needs to learn about the pain and suffering he has inflicted. However, although he killed a lot of people, he is still greatly loved and his home is the Light. However, it is not his mission in life to be a killer. His mission is to help others, specifically women and children. This mission could be tied to the killing of that young girl who was trying to save the puppy. Now, he is redeeming himself (repaying karma) by helping children like her! He needs to restore the balance of his actions by helping those he hurt. This is his path in life. This is how he can help others and share the Love. We all need to use our talents and abilities to help others. Our purpose in life always has to do with Love and helping other people. Do what you love to do, what you have a passion for, and do it with the intention of helping others.
The next account is of a woman who had a hard life as a weak and sick female. However, she learns during her NDE that this life was a lesson that needed to be learned based on past actions in previous lives.
“I knew I got this body because my mother and father had this little body and all their close spirits were used up. It was going to be a very weak, sick female body, but it was what I needed to experience what I (the spirit) needed in order to grow spiritually. It was like taking a college class that you hated, (like calculus) but you knew you had to get a passing grade in it in order to graduate. So I reluctantly agreed to take this body that belonged to a family I had never been with before. I also knew that I had been in a previous body that was a huge mean man who abused women and children. I needed to experience what it felt like to be a small, sickly woman. I understood why the body was dyslexic. Now that was a real challenge back in the 40-50s when you were humiliated and punished because you didn't know right from left.
And why I chose nursing, and every time I tried to quit and go into another profession, I was pulled back. Everything was clear. I was going to school far from home and I only had one bag I could take. There were certain required items and one little spot left. I had to choose one thing (like a favorite teddy bear)-I chose my art ability and it was a wise choice. The spirits knew I was just passing through and so did I. Then a bright white light started appearing at the end of the aisle. I wanted to go to it. It got brighter and brighter and I started zinging faster and faster. It and I knew I had agreed to take this body reluctantly and that I hadn't completed my task.” (Sylvia W)
As she took advantage of and abused women in her previous life as a male, she now comes back to experience what it’s like to be in a weak female body where people humiliate her because of her condition. She is learning from the other side of the equation. It is like switching sides, going from abuser to victim. This alternation may continue until learning is achieved. Love and forgiveness are the keys to learning. She must not feel hatred toward those who humiliate her or abuse her, or she will just end up switching sides again in another life. She must find love and forgive.
We may be born into a difficult life situation, but there is a lesson to be learned from it. There is a reason for it. We all chose to come into the life we did, knowing what it would require of us. Sometimes the situations are tough, but we all have a choice in how we deal with those situations. We must choose to forgive, love, and trust in God/the Universe to guide our lives. Instead of focusing on the hurt inside of us or the guilt we harbor over our own actions, we should focus on what we can do for others NOW. Think of those people who love you or need your love. We all have a path and we all need to learn to forgiveness, as the next account shows:
“September 24, 1995 at approximately 0130 I was shot during a failed robbery by a county sheriff. The bullet shattered my knee and severed the artery in my lower leg. I was told that I "bled out" during surgery.
[. . .] I was standing barefoot in a beautiful mountain meadow, as a four-year-old. Holding my chubby little hand was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. A Greek God times a hundred! He had a glow that radiated love like the sun does light, and I knew I was safe with him. It was the most peaceful loving feeling I have ever known. We started walking along a path through the meadow, hand in hand. I knew that he was taking me somewhere specific, but that the walk was important, too. I was seeing such amazing things. Colors, shapes, smell, everything was so sharp and beautiful. It was like seeing for the first time. My guide enjoyed this walk as much as I did, pointing to new things and laughing at my enjoyment. The only sound he made was laughter, and it was as wonderful as everything else was. It was the rush of a mountain stream, a baby’s first cry. Tinkling chimes and thunder. I will never be able to describe the sound.
At the end of the path we came to a point overlooking a valley. The valley was covered by fog / clouds so that you not only could not see into it, but could not get an accurate feeling for the size of the valley. Out of the valley came these feelings / emotions that were so sad, I started to cry. The feelings were sorrow filled with longing. Much like wishing something hadn’t happened the way it did, knowing it was too late to change it, but wishing anyway. My guide was crying to. A wasted life is too sad for words.” (Prisoner’s)
It sounds like this valley is filled with souls who have profound regret over their actions in life and are unable to move on. They are unable to forgive themselves. Maybe they drank their life away instead of spending more time with their children. Maybe they gave up on life because they were abused and saw no hope for the future. Maybe they are guilty over pain that they have caused others. The possibilities are endless. But all had a purpose on Earth that they failed to accomplish because they could not see past the hurt and pain. The focus needs to be on Love and what you can do to help somebody else. Most importantly, forgive yourself and others. Don’t harbor guilt or resentful feelings. Let those things go and know that it is never too late to start down the right path. Continuing on. . .
“The glow around my guide faded as a brighter, bigger glow surrounded us, and I heard a voice inside my head. The voice said, "Philip, this is the end of the path that you now walk. Remember that I will always love you." The glow faded, my guide smiled and wiped my eyes, and the bubble "popped" again.” (Prisoner’s)
Keep in mind that he had his NDE after a police officer shot him during a robbery attempt. He is probably shown the valley of “lost souls” as a warning. If he continues on his current path of crime, he may end up there, regretting his actions and experiencing tremendous guilt. He needs to walk the right path. There is some good that he can do for others. He must change his ways and begin his new journey. However, regardless, God will always love and accept him.
Heaven and Hell is all a choice. We have complete free-will and choose our own paths. Hell is simply the absence of God/Light/Love, whereas Heaven is the abundance of God/Light/Love – choose your preferred term. We have a choice to make between these two options. The next account will detail this:
“Looking back into the tunnel, I noticed there were doorways in both sides of the structure. A few other cross/stars were wandering about in the tunnel, some blue like myself, some amber colored. Two other blue cross/stars appeared beside me and gently propelled me into the tunnel. I floated along and up observing that some "door-ways" were open while others seemed to have been shut.
The first doorway I peered into resembled a classic Hell. There was the sound of shrieking and agonizing screams. Naked human beings were strewn about a blasted landscape with pools of bubbling excrement and jagged boulders. Devils and other animals were torturing people in all imaginable ways; and people were also torturing each other. As I neared the doorway to this sinister scene, I felt a sucking sensation drawing me in like a whirlpool, and I found myself "flying" above the miserable landscape. The smell was putrid and the heat was almost unbearable but a part of me was fascinated by the seemingly infinite varieties of pain and anguish that was being inflicted on the inhabitants of this realm. Most of me wanted to leave so I had no difficulty and my feeling was that anyone could leave if they wished. I felt that no one or nothing had put those people in captivity except their belief in the agony they continued to suffer.” (Sarah’s)
This is very interesting. She seems to be saying that we create our own reality. Again, the concept of complete free-will. Why are these souls there? Simply, that’s what they believe in. Maybe they’ve been indoctrinated by religion to believe that’s the fate that awaited them after death. That’s where they think they should be. They don’t think they deserve love and fail to dream of a better reality. Continuing on. . .
“I "flew" back to the doorway which was clearly visible from everywhere in the "Hell" I left with nothing but joy, but I still had a sense of myself as apart from that joy. The next doorway in the tunnel wasn't much better. As far as the eye could see people walked on barren yellow ground with their heads down, completely engrossed in their own depressed self- pitying thoughts, unaware that anyone else was around them. A great feeling of loneliness and isolation emanated from the scene, and I shied away from getting too close, although no sucking sensation was felt near this opening in the cloud tunnel.” (Sarah’s)
This sounds a lot
like the valley that the Prisoner looked into. It is a place filled with
depressed souls who wallow in their self-pitying thoughts. They are too
engrossed in their own negativity to see the Light. Remember, the Loving being
who was with the prisoner cried upon seeing this sight. This is because He loves
them and is there for them. But He cannot manipulate them. It is their free-will
to do as they choose, wasting away their time depressing over past events that
they can’t let go of. All they need to do is Wake UP. They must make the
decision to move on and call out to God for help to get on the right path.
The next account will show us that our negativity can lead to a negative experience after death, where that energy takes form and attacks us. However, if you can reconnect with the love inside you, then the experience will change into a positive one.
“I was a young and angry man, angry at God because I was gay. So this I took with me on my journey to the other side. As I know now, I should never be this angry again.
[, , ,] I went to a very stormy place. This was, perhaps, the destination that I reached when having died in anger at a time when I could not remember having much peace in my heart. I remember mentioning that at this place there was an after-echo in my "thought voice." My voice would echo straight out towards the horizon before me and always return back into me from the horizon behind me. This, I thought was very annoying. This place I reached was not a comfortable environment at all. Storms like no other storm seen on earth would unfold before me in the sky and on the ground of this new and shaken planet. There were various sizes of volcanic vents around me that would blow steam and heat at any given moment. Sometimes, ghost apparitions would appear in the steam blast and start to wander around; lost as if searching for something they cannot find." (David H's)
His negativity has brought him here. The landscape is symbolic of the storm inside of his own psyche. It is what he resonates with. It is what’s inside of him. Continuing on. . .
“One of the ghosts blasted out of the vent nearest me, it was a woman. She frightened me. She was dressed in very ancient garb, torn in places, and appeared to be very dirty. She had no feet below, so she sort of drifted on air. She was approaching my space very slowly. When she reached close enough for me to touch, I chose to communicate.
I asked her if she was able to tell me the name of this place. She would not answer. However, she slowly crept even closer to me as if she was going to take, steel, or hurt me. I know all thoughts are heard here, so you can't hide a plan for yourself. Instead you just have to come out and say it. So I said very stern, "who are you!!" She then tore off a part of the shroud that hid her face and showed me only bone and skull. Her jaw opened wide, as if dislocated, and she rose completely out of her robe and swooped down at me for a bite. It was my left shoulder, my spirit body. The pain was so great, it was worse than death. At that very moment as she swooped around in mid-air to take on another bite of my spirit, I dropped down on to my knees and cried out for God.
The spirit women placed her hands on her head and disappeared back into the ground vent. I noticed the other approaching spirits did the same. Still I cried for God, and asked if he would forgive me for speaking so crude of him back on earth and if he would accept me back and take me home, away from this strange land.
It was at that moment that I also realized that my voice would no longer echo and return back into me. Instead, I would roar out his name unto the summit of the horizon and his name alone would explode into light and sound. The rest of the spirits around me would show fear as if God was not any comfort to them at all. This was sad to me, but it was also a joy for me to know that God had accepted my apologies, as the light on the horizon would expand in my direction.” (David H’s)
God, or Love, holds all the power. If you sincerely express this love, negative spirits will run and hide like their life is in danger. They want no part of this positive energy because they feed only on the negative energies. If they get too close to you as you call out to God or express love, that light may touch them and open up their heart. But, they may not be ready to experience love yet, so they will flee. This shows us that anytime we’re in trouble, we should focus on love and call out to God. Because love is our protection, in this life and the next. Continuing on. . .
“So beautiful was his light, words cannot express. His light was like the rising sun. And like the sun he rose up from behind the mountains into the sky. Love poured into every part of my being and my soul was revitalized. The planet was also changing under His light. I saw parts of the mountains tear open and gush forth in the form of waterfalls. The dark clouds above my head shrank backward at an amazingly swift pace. God has come; His light is warm and welcoming. I had then reached a high level of calm and peace.
Slowly as His light would shed across the land you could see grass come up out of the ground. Huge trees would tear out of the surface and stand tall before me. Birds of all kinds would fly about the sky. All of Gods creatures came out of the forest as if to greet me. This was the most grand welcome back home. Tears of joy and laughter are all of the words I can sum up from this experience. His light then grew extremely bright. I had been completely bathed in white light. God held me lovingly in his embrace for a time. His light grew brighter until I could barely see anything.
At this point, I could sense that it was time for me to go back to earth. Looking at God, I said "Please Lord, can I stay?" Hush, He would say, your time on earth has not been completed. Now, go off and be a good lad for there is much more for you to learn. I thanked God endlessly during my journey home to earth, then there. WHAM!!! I am in my body again, eough, I don't know if that is really a word but that's what it feels like when you first get a body back, so "eough" ok. (David H’s)
Even though David
turned to the “darkside” and expressed hatred towards God in his life, God was
there to redeem him as soon as he made the call. God is in us all. All we have
to do is connect with his Light. When we truly, sincerely, call out to God from
our hearts, that call cannot be denied because we are a part of God. Love is the
call that must be answered. God will not deny or reject anyone who expresses a
desire for his light, because we are all equally His child. It’s us that needs
to change. It’s us that needs to see the light in life. If we focus on the
negative, then that will become our reality. But, if we focus on the light as
David started to do, then that will become our reality. It’s all about
The next account again further shows us that if when we die we are filled with darkness, that darkness may become our spiritual reality, but if we die with Love in our hearts, we will go to the Light and have a joyous reunion with the Source.
“I am 26 years old. I had my NDE when I was 22, in April of 1998. It was due to my suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I was little I was severely abused by my father and grandfather, I was also a victim of child pornography and prostitution. I had been involved in alcohol and drugs and had an eating disorder for many years. At the time of my "death" I was trying to get my life in order, I had stopped drugs and my eating disorder at age 19, but with little success in feeling any better--I just switched addictions to compulsively smoking. My past was still too painful to face, and without facing the past, I could not successfully and healthfully live in the present. I believe it was these forces which emotionally and physically ripped me in two.
One of the problems that came along with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was an inability to fall asleep. I was an insomniac. I was terrified of sleeping, since nighttime and sleep had long been equated with abuse. I started to get less and less sleep. Going from 5 hours, to 4, to 3, to 2, to 1 if I was lucky, until at the very end I wasn't sleeping at all. I simply let myself deteriorate. I had lost my will to live, and I was starving myself as well as not drinking enough fluids. After 7 nights of not sleeping at all, I wound up in the hospital, severely ill. The doctors told my mother that they didn't know if I would make it or not. (She did not tell me this until years later). All I remember was that I was in the hospital room, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by this bright yellowish-white, almost golden light. It was brighter off into the distance, and I was seeing this light as though it were superimposed over the landscape out the window. All of a sudden, I was somehow being pulled towards this light, and it was the most indescribable feeling of peace and love I had ever experienced. It was pure ecstasy. My heart was alive, it felt as though I had streams of cool endlessly flowing water running through it and it was the most exhilarating feeling! I never wanted the feeling to stop and I was so happy!! (for the first time in my life!) I was just enthralled and in this state for what felt like a long time and a short time all at once. It were as though all knowledge was being poured through me, that nothing was being held back. I was so loved, and all of my questions were being answered.
Then I heard a nurse screaming at me. She sounded so angry, and I could see her as though I were looking from a point near the corner of the ceiling looking down. She was grabbing me and trying to give me some medicine. I wasn't responding to her, and I was not happy that she was trying to get me back. Finally I was somehow back in my body [. . .]
I remained in this state [loving and able to sense the energy around people] for a while, but then my own negative past took over. Since I hadn't really dealt with the painful issues of my past they hit me full on. All the old guilt, pain, and buried anger came soaring back, only this time I felt it was going to consume me. And consume me it did. I started thinking how unworthy I was of what I had experienced, I started thinking all these horrible, bad thoughts about myself and I sank back into my old state of gut wrenching depression. That's when I had my second NDE. This one was the most horrible things that anyone could imagine.
I was lying in the bed when all of a sudden I experienced this blackness. There was no light, there was nothing. It wasn't even that I could see the blackness, it just existed and I knew it was there. All of a sudden there were these beings all around me. I can't remember how many, but I felt that they were beings that had been around me for a while and had been waiting for this moment. They started pulling at me and took me to this place of absolute desperation. There was nothing, and yet I existed in this horrible void. The essence of this void was that it was an ABSENCE OF GOD. I want to stress that emphatically. It was absolute torture.. nothing, absolutely nothing can describe this pain. It was my worst nightmare come true. The beings there told me that all of my family was doomed to be in the void and that it would be my fault. Even talking about it is very, very hard. It was pure terror.” (Analisa D’s)
Evil works by manipulating people into thinking that they are worthless and unloved. Negative beings try to turn us away from God and make us fail to see the light. Never let yourself be manipulated into thinking that you are worthless, undeserving of Love, or unloved. God loves all equally and we all have a divine purpose for being on this Earth. Our Home is the Light, and we may all return there after death. You are a powerful, beautiful, spiritual being. Never let yourself forget that. Here are Analisa’s final thoughts on the matter:
“I no longer believe that. The main difference between the 2 NDE's, I believe, was my state of mind at the time. During the first one, I knew in my heart that I was loved, I was ready for a peaceful death and it happened. During the second one, I was letting my deepest fears play out in front of me. I thought I was beyond help and beyond hope. I truly believe that had I asked for help during the second one, it would have come. Instead, I felt not even God could help me, and I remained in that awful place.” (Analisa D’s)
She herself comes to the conclusion that her
state of mind at the time of death determined her experience. In the first NDE,
she felt loved and was ready to die in peace. That love drew her towards the
light where she experienced the ultimate bliss. However, before her second NDE,
she was consumed by her negative past and was full of fear. That fear apparently
attracted some not so nice beings who dragged her down to the depths of darkness
and played on her fears by telling her that her entire family was destined to
end up there and it was her fault that they would do so. Complete lies of
course, but if she believes them, she will become further depressed, which these
entities take some sort of sadistic pleasure or pride in doing. She also
mentions that if she had called out to God during the second experience, she
believes God would have rescued her. The evil beings tried to take her away from
the Light, from the Love, by telling her hurtful things. But if you can find it
within you, if you can even remember one loving memory and hold on to it in the
midst of such turmoil, that Love can save you. The entities will try to degrade
you at first and make you go back to thinking dark thoughts. They feed off of
your hopelessness and fear. But, if you can hold onto the love and remember who
you are, then they start to back away, because Love threatens them and they are
not ready to turn to God just yet. As you reconnect with the love inside of you,
the Light will come for you and take you back Home! It is a promise.
Finally, here is one more account of someone who didn’t feel loved and had tried to commit suicide a number of times. This is what she was inspired to write after her NDE:
“I was also inspired to write after my ordeal. This is what I wrote. It's to say, no matter who you are in this world, gay strait, black, white, African or American, whoever you are.. male female.. transgender.. animal.. incest.. WHOEVER OR WHATEVER< if it's created, God loves it. GOD LOVES YOU, and if this will discourage anyone from ending it all... if this brings anyone out there hope. Then I have done a good deed somewhere, which makes me very proud. So I hope this gives people hope. Here is what I wrote, the day right after what I had done.
The Crow: Love is Stronger than Death 9/22/2003 You ever heard that ol' adage? Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought her back? I never believed it was true, until last night. As with Love is stronger than death. Emotions and feelings being such guiding forces, able to raise us from the dead. Something so small like LOVE.. yet so meaningful. Being, sadly depressed for so long of my life, and have yet to see a miracle in my life.
No one was a harsher, meaner taskmaster critic to me, than me. You can psychologize where that negative inner voices comes from, mom dad, uncle, grandma and grandpa, or blame my entire dysfunctional family- go on you know you want to. Hell, the rest of you want to place the blame rightfully into my arms, my lap. In truth, however you decide to put together why I am unstable, that's fine by me, but invariably, the madness of my existence always drove me to suicide. Always. I've been suicidal since I was twelve years old.
My grandmother only realized the seriousness, when I was first, and finally allowed myself into the care of psycho-evaluation. When you are stretched out on a stretcher, and you're vomiting all over the place, until your insides burned, you would think that is when a person would stop, right? Wrong. I wasn't a week out the hospital before I attempted 4 different times, always thinking *This is it, this will be the last of me*, only to find myself awake, full-blown awake and in pain. Always in pain, worse pain then when I first attempted.
But last night was inevitable. His heart ached for me, and figured enough was enough, perhaps He just *had* to prove who was key over life or death, and guess who it is everyone, not just Jesus, not just God.. but me. I had the power to blow me away. Or I had the power to strengthen me. Me. Last night, I drank down an entire bottle of pills, a bottle of Beef Eaters Gin, some sleeping pills, and a side order of Ginseng tea. I figured, * now this will invariably work*, and guess what everyone. It really did.
[…] Next thing, I feel my entire bedroom light with rainbows, purple and gold light, and, I could feel God's presence. and do you know what he said? He didn't say, you're going to burn in hell, you're evil for this, you're a bad person, .. do you know what He said to me? "I can't take you right now honey, you are barely finished with this lifetime. You have to complete why you are here. when you wake up, you will be very sick, but nothing will happen to you." I remember the very soft, subtle way he said *honey*. It felt so wonderful, like GOD was up to date, and at the same time, was Himself. He had a soft feminine touch as god is both male and female energy, but it was nice.
I always remembered, reading Christian Self-Help books in bookstores, feeling frustrated, always my heart breaking, in this well does this include me? way, when they would describe the vastness and the boundlessness and the foreverness of God's love. It would always reek my heart. How could God, ever love me? Sort of how I view everyone in my life, my family, my friends, online offline, right here. How could anyone love me? How, when I cant love me?
Revolutionary Esoterism So why should God take time out of his busy day, to care anything about me? Protect me yes when I drink myself sick for days at a time, no food, no water, nothing.. but the booze that rocks in my gut, reminded me just how alone I am. Just how sad, I am. Shunned by the world.
So father, if I am your daughter, why have you allowed her to prostitute herself on the streets? Can you love tainted girls like me? No one could, but then, I [was] resurrected by love, the guiding hand light love. I was brought back because my heart refused to give up. That poor engine just would not give up.
Could God still love her after the horrible things that she had done, after prostituting herself and trying to throw her life away? Yes, she is His child too. And God’s love is Infinite.” (Nicole’s)
She had felt unloved in life and chosen a rocky path, turning to drinking and prostitution. This was how she chose to deal with her situation. It doesn’t mean she was truly unloved, just that she failed to see any love around her. However, after her NDE she learns that she really was loved all the time. She just needs to make the choice to open up to this love. The love is always there within you. The choice needs to be made to express it. Continuing on. . .
“So here I am, everyone. even that Don Henley song stuck in my head *I'm taking you home* *which I figured*.. and there it was my friends. My first encounter with my angels and God. Plus, my heart may have stopped or slowed to nothing, but it was still flowing with blood. The blood of love, the lamb, whatever you call it. Something kept me grounded in the physical, from leaving. I am here to do something important.
And certain people in my life, my grandma for instance, loved me. I kept thinking, Oh my God, what if She finds my body right here in the bed. My corpse, my lifeless corpse. How would She feel. How would she feel, seeing my lifeless dead body laying here in bed, as the cd coldplay remains on forever repeat? That kept me grounded here. That image. Her.” (Nicole’s)
This is an important message. To keep her from accepting death, she thinks of how her death will affect the one person who really loves her. She can’t bear to break her Grandmother's heart. Just remember, that you’re here for a reason and there are others that would be hurt by your death.
“Not even her, but just the idea she would see my body laying in this bed, dead with my eyes gazing up at the ceiling. My eyes didn't close for part of the night. Part of that night. Most of that night. I wish, I could have understood the significance then, what did my eyes read, when they locked onto my ceiling? Were they in hope? sadness? despair? Could have they read my expression, if I would have died that night? The idea that we sort of wake one another up, everyday, to complete the day, its different now, because I can write my emotions but not show them. And I understand, now. Everything. She kept my heart from letting me fly. Love is stronger than Death.” (Nicole’s)
Her grandmothers love seems to be the only thing that kept her from ending it all. So, before you try to harm yourself or do something stupid, think of the one person who loves you and needs you. Continuing on. . .
“[…] Another prime example, would be with the movie *lost and delirious*? Remember when Paulie was with Mary Brave, they recited Lady Macbeth's role in Shakespeare's Macbeth, and, then chose themselves to become one with the darkness. Remember, when Mary Brave at the end said " I was almost lost to the darkness, but you were inside me saying be strong. You were the heart inside of me, that kept to the light.
Sadly, Paulie didn't have anyone to love her, Paulie didn't have anyone to guide her from the darkness, so she had to fly. It's a lot like that. I was lost in oblivion, black holes, black scenery, and apathy, but my heart beat kept me here, grounded on planet earth.
I love you all, Stay strong. Please keep pushin' on. Someone hears you, Somewhere. (Nicole’s)
We are all loved and we are never alone. Even when we feel alone, there are spirits around us, or otherwise on the other side and able to hear us. Never stop praying and never stop trying, because if you are still alive then you are alive for a purpose. You may have failed that purpose a 1000 times, but if you’re still alive, God believes you can still accomplish it. Really there’s nothing to worry about, even if you don’t know specifically what your individual purpose is. We’re all here to do the same thing really, and that is to Love others. So, choose the path of Love, and whatever you do, do it with Love!
Analisa D - http://www.nderf.org/Analisa%20D's%20NDE.htm
David H - http://www.nderf.org/david_h's.htm
Nicole - http://www.nderf.org/nicole's_nde.htm
Prisoner - http://www.nderf.org/prisoner.htm
Sarah - http://www.nderf.org/Sarah_nde.htm
Soldier - http://www.nderf.org/soldier's_nde.htm
Sylvia W - http://www.nderf.org/sylvia_w's_nde.htm