I had finished telling the anesthesiologist to tell everyone that I loved them and that Al (my partner) would be a good dad. I was then put under.
I could see the room, the doctors and nurses, and I could feel their fear of losing me. I could tell the intern's anxiety and a few of the nurses' sadness. They barely believed I would live. I could sense others as well but was quickly swept to an opening. The best I know how to describe it is not so much a tunnel but a fuzzy opening, as though the pixels were less clear and darker. I felt pulled through it.
The place I was is a hill in Marysville where my grandmother used to pick sunflowers. The grass was so lush and so green. The air was so perfect, moving yet still. Colors had intensity I have never known. I could see and know all these things with my entire being. A dog's tail weaved through the tall grass. A beautiful fuzzy puppy wagged her tail at me.
At first, I did not recognize her. I had never seen our dog as a puppy. I was so happy to see her. We had to put her down two weeks prior to my daughter's birth. She had injured her hip. We had given all the surgery we could to keep her, but it did not make her quality of life better - it had become much worse. We had her put down on my due date. Our hearts were so heavy with the loss of the dog that generously shared her life with us for 12 years.
I followed the spirited dog as she meandered amongst the tall grass. There sat my grandmother looking over the hill, as though she had been waiting there for me. When I saw her I had never seen her so beautiful. The essence of her was so magnificent and everything around us whispered love, love, love. I sat with her and asked her questions. We spoke without words but with understanding. It was made clear I was there only for 'recess' (a term that had been used in my junior school years as a break before lunch). We looked from our beautiful lush hill. There was, however, a split from where the hill ended and the road began. I could see the town, the cars moving but everything was dull and black and white. Up the hill came my other grandmother, smiling with love in her heart, and then the sun began to go down. 'It's time. It's time to go' my first grandmother said. I did not want to leave. I pleaded 'I do not want to. I can't'. 'You must,' she said 'you have a child. You're not finished loving. You're not finished remembering. You're not finished knowing. GO.' The words were from everything that existed there and beyond that, maybe what perhaps could be called God.
Coming to was more painful than I can describe, as I remember and as it has been told to me. I was in the ICU for 2 days. I struggled with consciousness. I could these people - people that, when they discovered I was coming to this world and could see theirs, tried to give me messages. One woman wanted her daughter to forgive her - she was bitter. A sickly teenage boy needed to confess - he had taken his own life. It was too much. They were desperate and I was just trying to figure out where I was. Al said I kept asking where I was and what had happened 500 times repeatedly. He would say 'Tracy, it's alright, you're ok, you can wake up now'. They had to strap me down because I kept removing the oxygen. I wanted to get these stuck souls their messages out. At the time, I did not know they were spirits. I thought they were people - even a baby floated past..
They finally gave me a pen and I wrote pages and pages of gibberish. The ICU nurse finally went to get a nurse who had been known to see spirits herself. She soothed me with her words, 'They are spirits, just focus on getting better. It's ok, you have angels and they want you to come back. Ignore the others and focus on yourself'. With her help, I was able to awake.
My recovery took a while. I mourned, and still to some extent mourn, being on that hill, with all that love. I know I will never experience that again in this reality.
Date NDE Occurred: 'may 20, 2009'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related. Childbirth Severe blood loss. Collapse lungs. Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
My daughter was born May 19, 2009 via C-section. I bled internally with three platelets left in my body. I was told to make any last requests, as it was unclear if I could be saved.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I was on the hill.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
It was known to me it was temporary, that I had been given this place where there was no time.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see the very atoms of every blade of grass. I could smell their words, and every cell's whisper of love and peace was absorbed by the core of beingness.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes A fuzzy, hazy opening.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes My dog, who had passed two weeks prior, and my two grandmothers, both beautiful and in their prime.
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I was light. Everything was light, except past the road. Not in a bad way, just in a different way.
The experience included: A landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The place I was, is a hill in Marysville B.C where my grandmother used to pick sun flowers. The grass was so lush and so green the air so perfect moving yet still...colors with intensity I have never known.I could see and know all these things with my entire being.The beauty is undescribeble.I wish I could take you there..!!
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? The utmost love - in fact 'love' is far too small of a description.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control It was so fast and with so little detail that I barely recognized it as my own, except I saw a t-shirt I was wearing that had bananas on it from when I was 10.
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future I would live. I would love. I would breastfeed my child, though I only got to do it once after that.
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes I just understood for the first time what the road was about. It was the boundary and I was not to cross it.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate non-denominational
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes They are much deeper. I'm much more certain, and care so much less about the science or the fact seeking of say the Bible or Koran, or Kabala.
What is your religion now? Liberal definite faith in God. Teachings of Jesus
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes They are much deeper. I'm much more certain, and care so much less about the science or the fact seeking of say the Bible or Koran, or Kabala.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Love. Everything is about love - to know and to understand. That if it is not about this it just does not matter, and nothing could ever be as important as love.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I understand so much more. I appreciate others' experience and can love in spite of their choices. I see us all as one - one breathing organism, 'God'.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Words cannot describe!!
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Though I had some before. I had to really work at blocking some things, as it was really scaring people. I would know them. I mean REALLY know them - their past, present, future, their ego, and their thoughts. I advised a young doctor that being forthright about being gay would free him. I saw people's suffering, and for a while I saw spirits but would pretend not to see them so as not to be harassed.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? All of it is significant. You're here to love. You're here to know. Do the work while you're here so you do not get stuck in hospital as a spirit seeking closure and light.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes When I could talk I told everyone one hour after coming to. A few doctors wanted me get psychological help.
I told my best girlfriend, who is a personal trainer to the stars. I told her that nothing she was concerned about mattered, that there is no past and that love in all its expressions is all that matters, and that it was not in her life and that she was wasting time. She let go of her place in Beverly Hills, took a break from all her clients and moved back to Canada for five months.
I told my dad it was not his fault and that he did not deserve what they did to him as a boy. I told him to forgive for they know not what they do.
My partner realized to have faith and surrender, not to have begged God for my life.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain Not really, it is not something I ever looked into. I did see a show once that showed that the brain did all this while it died and lost blood and oxygen.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real Because our dog, Shilo, was there as a puppy. I had never seen her as a puppy. In fact, I did not even think she would look like that but it was her. How could I have imagined that?
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real But I sometimes question. Doubt can seep in, and the harder route is to know it's true. Life as I lived it before with much of my ego in control is no longer a way I can live.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain Never ever to that extent. I have been doing a hemi sync CD while meditating. It gives the feeling of weightlessness that is similar, but that is all.