Oh no…Every time I try to describe this, it gets really frustrating. But oh well…
First Time (10 years old):
I went to Catholic School at the time and was horsing around with a friend after school on the playground. He was showing me a new Judo move that he had learned in his martial arts class - he was going to flip me over his shoulder onto the ground. Something went wrong and I landed directly on my head.
I picked myself up from the ground with the most intense pain in my head and spine that I had ever experienced. I was literally knocked senseless. As I got up I remember seeing a woman (who was there to pick up her kids) getting out of her car with a horrified look on her face…she had seen the accident. I turned to run into the bathroom - I am still not sure why, but only made it a few feet before I feel flat on my face on the concrete…blacked out completely.
I thought that I had a dream when I was unconscious. What else would a ten year old compare the experience to. I did not realize what had really happened until many years later when not only did it happen again, but also I started to hear of other NDEs.
It felt as if my body had just come apart and my vision went spiraling out of control. Swirling colors that seemed to disappear to a point somewhere…like a funnel or something. No, not a tunnel…a funnel. I was really scared because I felt like I was losing control of everything.
Somehow, I knew that I had to just let go of my fear and roll with the funnel of swirling light. My body was gone…it felt like a blender had just ripped it apart, and I was drawn into the funnel toward the disappearing point. I just let go of everything. As soon as I let go of the fear, the pleasant sensations began.
I still had a 'body' but it was entirely different. I could see in three dimensions as if I had no body at all, but was just a 'floating eyeball' for lack of a better explanation. I could see all directions at once, yet there were no directions or dimensions as we think of them. (Note: This is one thing that really bothers me when I read or hear of other NDE's that describe a 'place' - sometimes with rivers and valleys and flowers - this was not a 'place' anything like here. How could my experience be so different from others?)
I was greeted by a being of Light and Love, but nobody else that I could recognize. It seemed to be just a brilliant glow that seemed to absorb me inside itself. Love is far too weak a word to describe this experience. I became Love - my entire being, every strand of my spirit spreading throughout the Universe had become Love times a million billion.
This is the point where I have to contradict myself. I said earlier that over there was not a 'place' similar to we experience here.
I found myself in front of some giant golden gates or some kind…it reminded me of an alter in the Catholic Church. There was some kind of fog or something that obscured any sense of distance, but my pet dog Skippy was there. Skippy had died some years earlier and was the only 'person' that I had any real family connection with that was dead. I was overwhelmed with Joy and Love and embraced my dog with my spirit. Although I don't remember Skippy saying anything to me, we were so happy to be together again!
At this point, I was told that I must go back…that it was not my time. This is somewhat fuzzy here, but I remember an intense feeling of regret and being filled with a 'No, No, please let me stay' feeling. But wherever the 'voice' was coming from was adamant…it was not my time and I must return. I had no choice in the matter.
If it is possible to describe the 'funnel' experience in reverse, this is what it felt like coming back here. It felt like my spirit was being stuffed into a jar that was far too small and painful to hold it. I was fighting to return…'No, No, I don't want to go back'. The process would not stop - I was returning.
I heard voices, real voices. I opened my eyes briefly and saw a circle of people gathered over and around my body (my face in particular). It was the paramedics from the ambulance and they were rubbing ice all over my face. One of them said 'He opened his eyes' (with great joy on his part). I closed my eyes fiercely and tried to go back, go back, go back - but they kept yelling and telling me to open my eyes while lightly slapping my face. I was in deep physical pain and felt completely saturated with exhaustion.
The Second NDE:
I was much older (16) and had the beginnings of an adult ego and character, so this NDE was much more personal than the first. I will skip details of the death part of this NDE…it is far too embarrassing to admit anything else other than I must have had an accidental overdose.
I remember lying down against the wall at a party and closing my eyes. That was the last conscious memory I have. I woke up several hours later and the party was over…everyone was asleep all over but not me!
When I left my body, it was similar to the first time, but much scarier. I thought that I was going crazy…that I must be losing my mind. I stared up into the same 'funnel' that I saw many years before. It had a much more intense fragmented feeling and certain 'wrongness' as my ego disintegrated into Spirit. I was frightened and did not have any idea what was happening, just that I was totally out of control of what was going on.
Again, I finally realized that I really did not have any control so I might as well just hang on for the ride, no matter how frightening. The spiraling funnel was swirling upward to the same disappearing point somewhere in the distance…as it sucked my Spirit out of this world and my body.
Then, the intense Love, Peace, and pleasure began to overcome me once more. I was no longer Ray, my ego had dissolved but somehow I was still Ray. A Being of immense Light and Love and Holiness, but this time the Being was taking me on a trip or tour of some sort once again escorted me. It had something to show me.
Now this is very difficult to describe, but time ceased to exist. It had no value there…past and future were completely non-existent. I was traveling in an intense, burning now. Now was everything. I ceased to be a noun (person, place or thing) but became a verb (an action). I was Ray-ing instead of Ray. This is the best I can do to describe what no-time is like. It is Beautiful in its own intensity and burning Now-Ness.
I was given a huge message at this point. The Being told me 'This is Who You Really Are', as It opened the Universe up to me. I could not tell the difference between the infinite galaxies and myself. I became all-powerful and all knowing - and yet I was still Ray. I cannot describe this better than this, but this 'story' feels so inadequate next to the real thing.
Then the Being guided me and introduced me to the most Incredible Beauty and Love that anyone could comprehend. It was a Greater Being of the most intense Light that could not possibly exist. It was God. The first Being guided me to this Light and let it enfold and swallow me up. I became one with Love times a million, billion, trillion forever and ever. We were made of the same stuff! Every Being that had ever existed in all of Creation was now part of this Greater Whole being called God. I was one with all of them, and yet I was still Ray…all powerful, little old me!
'This is Who You Really Are' thundered the Light.
Notice the difference between 'Who' you really are and 'What' you really are. It was very important that I know 'Who' I Really Am.
After some indefinite length of Now-ness, I was told that I must go back…that it is not my time yet. I was okay with this now…I had a huge Purpose and far more powerful reason for being. I was given another message that was very important…as important as who I Really Am. I was told that I might return anytime I wished. I have no idea what this means now but that was the other Big Message!
I returned to my body again feeling stuffed into a vessel of pain and exhaustion. I do not care to comment upon further details of how I came back to this reality.Background Information:
Date NDE Occurred: not sure
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Accident drug overdose Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I clearly left my body and existed outside it
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm In my first NDE I was standing at the base of some large golden ornate gates or doors. The ground was covered in fog and my dog was there waiting for me.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist none
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What is your religion now? Moderate none
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Have you ever shared this experience with others? No
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Date NDE Occurred: two NDEs: 1966 and 1973
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident accidental drug overdose Clinical death I am not sure exactly what happened when I was 16. I think I may have stopped breathing but I am not sure because I was alone.The first time I had a head injury and had stopped breathing/heartbeat.
The second time was a drug overdose.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes See prior description.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? High Consciousness and Intensity Loving alertness.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning No time. Just Now.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No No...It was more of a funnel that disappeared into a point far away. I "disintegrated" with the funnel.
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Every Being ever Created is probably a good description. But how does one comprehend that?
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes See above description.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm See above description.
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe Very much so. Confusing now but very clear at the time.
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I had no choice, but was told that it was not my time and I had to go back.
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes It became very difficult to be a Christian after that. What I heard described in Church was not at all what I had learned. Although, since then I have been able to read the Bible and see what Jesus really was saying. He was trying to tell us about the Other Side, but we goof it up trying to understand it.
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The "place" I went to was not the physical/relational place we know in our everyday experience. There was no time there either. The communications that I had with God were without words.
How do you express this kind of experience with words?
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Being pure Love was the best.
Returning here was the worst.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes People listen in a dull, disconnected way. My wife does not believe my NDE's were real...or perhaps not significant would be a better description. It is impossible to describe anyway, but I have an intense need to try
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I sometimes want to die. I have no fear of death whatsoever. I sometimes get suicidal because I know what is beyond and want that peace so very much. I also know that I cannot commit such an act...that it is wrong.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? You could ask about fear of death or wanting to go back there. This is very important. May I get a copy of my questionnaire somehow?
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