Experience Description

Although I was interested in NDE since my teens during 1990's and being drawn to anything unusual discovering the world as other teens do, it's only recently, after coming across Dr. Eben Alexander's and Anita Moorjani's NDE stories, that I've become so fascinated by the topic. Through daily reading and listening to other people's NDE stories on the internet, I've come to conclusion that I've probably had a NDE when I was a child. So when I found about NDERF, which I admire and am so grateful for, I've encountered some difficulties in filling out the questionnaire so I am e-mailing my experience.

I've concluded that I've probably had a NDE through lyrics of my two songs (I'm sending you both songs recordings (MP3 version) in attachment), which I wrote the first one as a teen (15) and the second one as an adult (32), because I don't really remember nothing like other NDErs, but lyrics of my songs tell me something else. So here's the lyrics of my first song written when I was 15 years old:


I drove thru my mind

I woke up in the sky

There I saw the shining stars

And pictures of faces who died

And I looked down on Earth

There I saw fire and blood

And I heard a scream,

A scream of a little child

I saw in a small church

A kid on his knees praying and crying

And his mother just looking at him

With her eyes full of suffering

I said little angel

Don't cry now

Tomorrow there will be a better world

Tomorrow baby you and I

We shall run into our world

World of love and happiness

I drove thru my mind

I woke up in the sky

There I saw the shining stars

And the pictures of the faces who died

Looked down on Earth

I saw the fire and blood

And I heard a scream,

A scream of a little child,

Scream of a little child

And I hope, and I hope,

Hope this is just a dream, just a dream, just a dream

I wrote the SKY song as my first song ever, during 1990, a year before an open war started in my country Croatia. I was so oblivious of what was going on, besides being 14/15 years old, because I just couldn't understand anything of it, why people suddenly started talking with such an importance about each others nationalities/languages/name/origin etc., it made no sense to me. Fortunately, part of Croatia where I lived and still live, wasn't attacked during the war, so I had sort of normal teen years as one could have had in those circumstances.

The song SKY hasn't got anything to do with the war in my country, although my band Mayflower (4 girls) performed it for the first time publicly on 18th May 1991, just around time before the former Yugoslavia was officially over and war started.

What's interesting to me is that I wrote the SKY song lyrics in English, (although in school I learned German and Italian, it was somehow easier at that time to write lyrics for my songs in English, probably because of music and movies influences,) and I used words like angel, church, meanings ''I woke up in the sky'', ''I look down on Earth'', ''I saw...pictures of the faces who died." Although I was brought up by atheist parents and we just didn't use this words like angels, we didn't discuss anything that had something to do with religion, church, it was a kind of not openly forbidden topic, but openly criticized. Still my dad respects Christ as a historical person, considering him to be a true communist, but thinks that people should choose religion as adults, not when they are born. I was brought up in accordance to Christian 10 commandments, but without religion. So we didn't go to church, although we would go to visit churches as cultural places. Science and learning were holy.

So to use those kind of words and meanings as ''I woke up in the sky...I saw the pictures of faces who died...I looked down on Earth...angel." I really didn't have any clue where did that come from, because I just wasn't exposed to that. But then being 15 years old, it just wasn't important to me why, I simply loved my first song.

Then, as today, lyrics just kind of come to me when inspiration hits, so my lyrics are always from my heart, or shall we say from the soul.

The second song's lyrics ''That day'' came through when I was 32, following some years of turmoil in my life. In fact, when I was 27 years old, living on my own and searching for some help by my psychologist, I suddenly connected the dots that I was sexually abused as a child by my grandfather (my father side). I figured it out 4 years after the death of abuser. So many things about me and my life started to have meaning, and I felt really like survivor, being so proud of my little and big self, but my parents unfortunately weren't not ready for such a news behaving in a manner ''kill the messenger''. Maybe that's why I so relentlessly searched through my shattered and hidden away memories to connect as much as I could because I just couldn't remember some of abuse. Of course I searched, contrary to advice of my therapist. Although my brother who was also abused did help by confirming it, still it didn't help to get my parents to trust me/us and get confronted with the family trauma. But it did help me on my lonely quest. Yet there was something that my brother wouldn't tell me, as if he doesn't remember alike me what was happening when our crazy grandfather ''persuaded us to get naked." I could tell my brother does remember something he's not telling me. He also had very detailed memories from his third year of life, so I kept asking, but got no true answer.

That's why, when being 32, I sat down and did what I knew best, just letting my pen write what comes from my heart. And the truth came out (this time I wrote lyrics in Croatian, so now I'm writing translation) through that second important song:

That day

That day I died

I died of shame, of fear

They wanted to push themselves into me

And take away my joy, my dreams

Joyful intoxication with life

To know the secrets that nature entrusted to me only

Cheatingly take my soul

They played with my credence

Manipulated with my love

They tried it by force

Against my inner voice, my rhythm and my hour

To disgrace of their existence

But they knew it wasn't right

It just wasn't right

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

In embrace of madness

Frenzy of untold feelings

They hand me their cross as a symbol of a friendship

As a symbol of acceptance into the darkest places of their desire

Not knowing that I can not carry it for them

I still carry the weight of that cross

I still get stuck and stumble on it

In trying to be myself

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

Just a little ray of light under the door

Told me that the worst has gone by

The hope is still alive and

I will find a way to carry on

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

I disappeared in that dark room

Under threat of treason and blame

And then a genuine look of a passenger

Has woken up the wrecked faith

Returning back no more

The only remain is the light

And it was only after I showed this song's lyrics to my psychologist that I figured out that I was raped ''that day." But it still didn't make sense to me because I was completely a virgin when having my first intercourse with my first boyfriend at 19 years old, so how could I have been raped? Then I've read the law and finally realized through the law definition of felony rape that I was raped. This finally explained to me my strange reactions, feelings etc. I couldn't answer that question to myself, but it stayed with me. And it just clicked a few months ago, when I listened to Dr. Eben and Anita, and many others about their NDEs, I, TOO, HAD AN NDE when I was raped. Very probably I was screaming and kicking so he closed my mouth, pressed my 9 year old body with weight of his body (62 years old) and eventually hit me sideways on my head, so I just couldn't breath. I passed out, possibly with heart stopping. That's why my brother wouldn't tell me what he remembers because he participated in my abuse being manipulated from our grandfather, our abuser. Moreover, years after (around 2011) my mum remembered how it was strange to her that our grandfather was coming 3 days in row to visit us. He lived in city 17 km apart from our little town/village. While being quite agitated, he would ask my mum not to tell our grandmother/his wife that he came to visit.

Although now already for years, I had resolved the abuse feelings and thought that not remembering ''that day'' was because I had repressed memories, still my songs told a different story, a story of a little girl who ''died and woke up in the sky'', which only recently became obvious to me that that's why I don't remember anything, except from the ''the scream of a little child'', because I was unconscious and out of my body. And the reason why I came back was because (obviously I was shown the future) ''I saw in a small church a kid on his knees praying and crying, and his mother just looking at him with her eyes full of suffering'', because if I had died (''I saw in a small church''), it's obvious that abuser would run away and eventually accused my brother who was 11 years old at the time, and his guilt, which he feels anyway although I'm alive and well, would be enormous (''a kid on his knees praying and crying''), and my mum would be devastated (''and his mother just looking at him with her eyes full of suffering'').

Remember my family didn't go to church, atheist parents (highly educated). Moreover that grandfather-abuser was probably abused when he was serving as a 7 years old boy in a monastery on an island. He came from a very poor family that lived on the other island. He used to tell the story how he ran from that island ''like all the devils were chasing him'' when he was 11 years old and how he went to work on a ship. My father (and his brother alike) is kind of annoyed with anything to do with the church and god, although he / my father never went to church as a child. Obviously our grandfather passed over to my father that hate toward church, which is understandable. So not only that I wasn't exposed to nothing connected to church/faith/god, but in fact it was unspokenly forbidden.

Altogether these are the reasons why I'm convinced that I did have an NDE. But beyond these reasons, I feel at home when listening to all other NDErs. Moreover since I can remember I thought that ''anything is possible'' for everybody, and although I was often criticized, ridiculed and belittled because of that attitude of mine, nothing could have change my mind about it. I had this idea of vegetarianism from I don't know where. When I turned 18, I said to others that I'm vegetarian, and all because having so strong empathy to animals and everyone else. Again, I was ridiculed for that, but no one could convince me differently. Somehow, I always knew that the truth always comes through, no matter what and no matter when. So often, I would intuitively just know/ say / do something and know other thoughts/ what others want/need, without being told.

And since I was a teen in my introspection I've come to this conclusion: why one would want it to be like in paradise if one didn't already experienced it?

But there is more. And this doesn't have anything to do with NDE, this is something that was normal to me before NDE.

Since I was little (4 or 5 years old), I had this experience of WHITE LIGHT, ENDLESS FIELD OF WHITE LIVING LIGHT INSIDE OF ME. It was such a beautiful experience that usually would happen in the morning during weekend. I would be already awake, but still sort of sleepy. Then my body would feel like a wave. In my mind, I would see this endless white field of white alive light. I would always try to touch it with my mind, but I was aware that I can't touch it. If I touch it, it would disappear. It was just so beautiful, so blissful, total total bliss. I always thought that everyone has that experience, so it was strange to find out differently.

But somewhere around time when I was raped, I didn't have that experience anymore.

While looking for answers and exploring the world as an adolescent , I came to a transcendental meditation practice (1996). When I meditated for the first time, something reminded me of that white light experience from childhood. Today I meditate for long time already and during meditation I frequently have this sensation of getting endlessly bigger and endlessly smaller at same time. Later on during meditation, I had this experience of live colors playing, it was so real and beautiful.

One day during a conversation with my friends we were sitting at a table. While I was talking, I felt as if I was sucked out of my back into something endless. At the same time, I could be anywhere and knowing anything. It was total endlessness and total silence that lasted about 10 seconds. I felt as if my body was like a small amplifier through which this enormous totally silent endlessness was being heard and formed into my little body. I got so scared that I remember grabbing the table with all my force to get back into my body. I really thought something was wrong with me, so I didn't talk about it to anybody. Until one day, I listened to some lecture about levels of consciousness and found out that those were the signs of developing cosmic consciousness. And of course, I found out many others (who meditate and not) had that experience.

A few years ago, I participated in this workshop of meeting our guides/guardian angels. I was quite surprised discovering again the whiteness inside of me. I was still afraid though. In that whiteness, I saw something that looked like many white balloons in the distance. It turned out to be many souls as individuals. They were my soul group. Suddenly, my grandparents appeared right in front of me; first my mother's side and then my father's side. I saw that grandfather. It was quite an experience after being brought up by atheist parents.