I am a totally single mother of two children no family and only one or two friends. My oldest son is disabled and I have a toddler. I had recently been suffering with back issues causing me not function, as I needed to do. After eight months of chronic severe nerve pain and partial paralysis, I agreed to a discectomy. I was told it was a minor one and it would be an in and out procedure. Had been done hundreds of times so I was unprepared for what happened. It was only supposed to be an overnight stay at most. I am told the surgery went well. I was really unaware of things till I started hearing the doctors and nurses and I remember just knowing something was different. Not wrong. But I had no discomfort no pain and I knew I was no longer breathing. I could hear the nurses and doctors pushing on my chest and yelling at me though it was not loud. I am not sure how I knew they were yelling. I could not really hear. I knew they were yelling at me to breathe. I felt the bag over my face but could not feel the air they were trying to force into my lungs. It really was as if I knew it was happening but was not experiencing it.
I was sort of floating not over my body but I was bodiless. I was so happy, content, and warm. I remember trying to fight them at one point to leave me be. I could hear them say breathe and I was thinking no I do not want to and I was fighting them to not breathe. I was so happy and comforted it was nothing like I had ever experienced before. There was no fear. Prior to this, I had a deep fear of death and would avoid thinking about death. There was no light that I can remember. Nor did I meet dead people I once knew. I then heard the nurse say she has been down for over ten minutes. I was like, oh hmm, I had no idea of time. I also remember thinking wow I always thought not breathing would be painful but I really did not want to breathe. I also heard them call for drugs and such. I heard the nurse also call the anesthesia guy over. I heard him say something like she said she took a while to wake up and the nurse was like no she is not breathing. I knew they were rushing around. I could see them rushing around my bed not from floating and not through my eyes. I could feel without the sensation of touch and I could hear without using my ears. I tried at one point to push the mask off me so I could just be left to not breathe.
I blacked in and out several times. I stopped breathing a couple other times I could feel the nurse start to bag me again. I even remember once the nurse started to panic like she could not deal with me and the fact I would not stay breathing. I heard another nurse tell her not to bag me that my oxygen stats were okay and that I had only stopped for a minute to see what I would do and let me sit for a second. I then remember another nurse coming over to relieve that nurse and to tell her to go take time out. I then went back into darkness and reentered my body because I woke up with eyes open to a new nurse. She had not been the one I had seen while they were resuscitating me. I asked for her and the head nurse was very surprised I knew. It seems that I was out for almost three minutes. I had one major experience and couple smaller ones I did not tell her. But I was so happy and calm and now I am struggling with who I am and my life. I am not the same person and I do not know how to get over this. I was a fighter always and spunky before this. I did not fight to live when it was happening I was fighting to die. I can't forgive myself.
Date NDE Occurred: 'July 17, 2006'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Surgery-related Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
I had just had surgery then stopped breathing in recovery for ten minutes the first time and shorter several times after.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I think when I was dead. They were rubbing my chest and bagging me I could hear everything going on was floating. I was fighting them to let me die.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Hard to explain, there was no time and the space was dark and warm and just wonderful.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was super sharp in some ways. Like details. Yet my eyes were not open.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could hear without my ears and it was a feeling. I understood everything no matter what.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Ecstasy, happiness, joy, no pain, irritation at doctor's desire to leave.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate lds
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain I am struggling with this desperately.
What is your religion now? Liberal none
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain I am struggling with this desperately.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I just knew that everything was well etc.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain I have tried to act like myself but to me it is an act and I really have not sought people out anymore.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It was very emotional intuitive event.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I seem to know things. I can't make myself know and this happened a little before this happened but it is way more frequent. I am way more aware. I can sense I do not know how to explain it sorry. I had one incident when I felt like my son was hurt and I called and he had just fallen.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I have severe guilt I think about it and I cry. I did not remember I had children, did not think of anyone or anything. I wanted to stay the way I was I did not fight to live.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Uncertain I tried to talk about it once or twice but the people were just like it is a wonderful positive experience you should now believe even more in God etc. That was not how it is for me. So I have not talked about it again. It has not been a positive experience for me I am trying to see it that way.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I had one prior experience that was nothing like this one and did not seem to affect me once I came back from it I was fifteen or sixteen years old and had the whole out of body floating thing happen.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It has disrupted my life and it is not going away.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I do not know how to get back to my old self. I have changed I feel like I am someone I do not know. I am struggling to get back into my life.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I wish it had never happened I want to be me. I want to be able to function and be happy again. I want to be a mother etc.