Here is one of my accounts. This one is subsequent to a suicide attempt.
I am staggering. However, I manage to progress in this January storm. Snow pushed by icy squalls scours my face. I cannot make it anymore. My strength is leaving me. I feel like I’m going to black out. I collapse! I can spot landmarks, though, showing that there is only a hundred meters to cover to reach my house. Countless thoughts momentarily flash by my mind. Am I going to die frozen in a snow bank? Am I going to get naively and stupidly hit by the snow plough? I shouted out, ‘You’re worth more than this, man! You’re going to rise and walk the hundred meters left. No way you are staying and wearing out in this storm!’ did I shouted with all of my might. Don’t ask me how I found the energy to get to that door, but never had such a short distance seemed so long to me. Over a dozen times I fell and rose up again. My blurred sight made me see mirages. Just like in the novels I read as a youngster. These stories related fantastic tales, which occurred in the most arid, and deep deserts. Somehow, I eventually reached the portal of this mountain house. No one ever had such difficulty opening a door. I felt it weighed at least one ton. Eventually it opened. I fell like lead, feeling the heat of this unpretentious house enveloping me, as if knowing that I needed its help.
I certainly remained half an hour on the floor, maybe more, knocked down by Mother Nature, slowly recovering after my stormy journey. This was but the start of this long night, which would mark my life forever.
I began to slowly recover my senses. At least, my body would not freeze to death anymore. But I suddenly remember what led me to go out that night of January 1989. I could not take it anymore. The pain of not knowing who I was, what I really wanted in life, of having to leave everything and find myself alone in this universe. Of having to rebuild a reality. I was not living. I was losing all my family, my friends, and that was too much.
Let me mention some background information.
A few hours earlier, I had swallowed many assorted pills stocked in the family home medicine chest. Then I decided to confront God in the village church, never mind the temperature. I was going and he had to answer me. I was coming back from that village when I started to lose my strength in the storm.
I had cursed God for all my misfortunes.
Why did I have to go through this agony? Why had he abandoned me, leaving me in the deepest spiritual darkness and loneliness? Why did all my existential questions remain unanswered, even by the eldest, the supposedly wise, in my congregation?
A soothing internal voice told me then to turn back. I was to get all the answers in due time. So I did. Empty handed and speechless, tears were running down my face. A face wounded by my anger and my suffering. I turned back from the church and headed for my parents' house. It's on that path that this account proceeds.
My mind remembers all that the cold had managed to erase from my memory. I had struggled not to die frozen by a simple winter night. Better die in warmth. I don’t try anymore to understand the often blatant contradictions of the human mind. I could lose my life in endless questioning. I quietly got up, staggered to the bathroom, having to climb a dozen steps, which, at that moment, looked like edges to one overcomes in an obstacle race. One that I hadn’t trained for. Around me, everything is distorted. My face in the bathroom mirror looks like pictures of the movie ‘The Ring’. I decide to have a shower. For the last time I want to feel water pearl on my body, soothing me. I believe that my choice to end here cannot be questioned anymore. Death is welcome. I cannot go backward anymore, and I accept that.
My mind becomes more and more confused. I even lose my balance. My body slowly falls, as if everything were idling. Then I felt the shock of hitting the floor, brutal and painful. This shock unexpectedly brings me back to present reality. I am dying!
Tough reality, but I find the strength to get up and head for my room, my personal shelter. I have to apologize to you, very dear readers, as from the shower to the bed I have no recollection but for the bedside table, on which the letter pinned by means of a scalpel, and addressed to my parents isn’t there anymore! So they are aware and did nothing. Nothing holds me to this world anymore.
I see myself bedridden, suffering in agony. The cocktail I swallowed takes full effect now. Intensified torments, jolts, convulsions, tears, and vomit rack my body. Suddenly, unexpectedly, there is calm and fullness. I don’t feel anything. There is nothing but a total soothing void. Everything is black there.
But where am I? Is this the death corridor welcoming me so peacefully? I never felt so good. Is this the nirvana looked for by so many yogi masters? Is this soul pacification, liberation, or an encounter with another reality? I can’t tell, let alone analyze it. I can only relate it to you.
So, this one of my epics as a ‘thanatonaute’ (see Bernard Werber ‘Les Thanatonautes’ The Death Travelers). Real story or the imagination of a dying conscience or sub conscience, or maybe jolts of a mind, which senses its end? I can’t tell. Nothing is for sure! Just words. Words to tell this life episode, this story out of the common.
Being rational, objective, open minded, and always keen on learning all facts. I cannot myself grasp the whole scope of it. I just share it, with a main concern: humility.
I had a feeling of absolute blessing. It was like an encounter with the divine. I am flying through the stars, at a velocity that I did not know, which even best adventure novels could not describe. I am among the stars. I am a star. I sense glowing twinkles which all head for one direction, toward a point at the end of the universe. Toward what, and why, I don’t want to question. I just thoughtlessly follow.
What could be worse? Hell? Don’t make me laugh.
I’m rocketing through the stars and behold the beauty of this known, but maybe not that known, universe. I am following the shooting stars surrounding me. Are they all dead souls heading for the unknown? Never mind. I don’t want to go backward. I want to leave this life of questions and loneliness. It’s not worth it. I am dashing when all of a sudden I feel something, someone who holds me back. I hear a voice telling me not to proceed. It pulls me by this light string that has been trailing behind me since I entered this new world. I look back and see that entity. It is calm, faceless, with womanly ways. She tells me:
‘Wait, what are you doing? You can’t decide yourself the time when you leave. You have a mission to fulfill. No way they will let you leave that world this way. You have to go back and do what you have to do.’
‘Never,’ I answered. ‘Never shall I go back.’
‘And you won’t change my mind?’
‘Who are you to tell me what I have to do? What is this mission or purpose you are talking about?’
‘Just follow me,’ she said insistently but with a softness to which the most precious silk in this world does not compare.
There, oddly, in the middle of nowhere, I found myself in the center of a starred room. The walls were covered in star light. The entity guided me to the center of the room and headed for what seemed to be a council. She got to her place. I sensed a peace in her, as she would have just prevented the irredeemable. All of a sudden, I felt surrounded. As if by teleportation, the others showed up. Those I now nickname, when the topic is broached, the council of the seven or the nine (I am not quite sure anymore as sometime in dreams the number appears different to me). I should get hypnotized to get a more accurate memory.
At that moment, I have the feeling of being in a courtroom, but instead of our dull judges, nameless, faceless, genderless, light beings are there around me. This feeling short-lived. It lingered as a wise and mature voice said, ‘Why do you want to end this way? Didn’t you offer to fulfill this mission yourself? Did you forget the purpose of your coming to earth? Did taking shape and living among them make you sink that much into oblivion?’
Oddly, that voice was familiar to me, but not from my living experience. From a place far in my dreams, maybe? In my furthest recollection, I could find no memory of a man talking to me this way.
‘You must go back to where you come from. Your time has not come,’ another said to me in a somewhat sharper voice.
‘Who do you think you are that you want to decide your fate?’ uttered a voice on my left, more hostile than the previous ones.
‘Take it easy. Don’t forget that his mind left our world for a long time and he may be altered by all those centuries spent in the other world,’ claimed the entity who took me out from my celestial ascension. ‘But you cannot remain among us. You chose it, and you must complete it of your own will,’ she said.
‘But what mission are you talking about? I don’t understand anything to what you are saying! I don’t want to go back there. This loneliness is too deep and agonizing! You are going to answer. Tell me what this mission is. Who you are? Who am I?’
A voice outmatching the meeting group instantly settled the matter. ‘You’ll understand in due time, no answer would content you. Let time act, be strong, and don’t doubt and you will know. Answers will be given in due time, but it is up to you to capture them. Nothing is given for free to the knowledge keeper.’
The one who removed me from my trip told me in her calm and serene voice, ‘come on, many trials await you. Don’t doubt, don’t look for the answers. You will get them when the time has come. Be confident, listen to your inner voice, your feelings, and you shall know. You don’t need anything. Just by living, you will find your way. Along your path, you will find those who like yourself, don’t know and slowly progress on the road. Believe in yourself. Listen to your inner voice.’
After those words, I don’t remember anything. There was void and nothingness.
Since then, for over fifteen years I’ve been wondering, why me? I’ve been regressing and doubting. A quantity of different events happened to me. In due time, I will be able to relate them to you in order for you to make up your mind. I visited psychiatrists, wise men, psychics, and specialists to whom I asked my questions. Am I normal? What does this mean? Why me? It must be my imagination playing tricks on me, right?
All answered the same way. Why are you doubting? Why are you looking for an affirmation whereas you do know what you have to do? Presently, after having analyzed all possible ways, I do not allege anything. I have no answer to give, and I don’t want to be anybody’s master, but I just have to share. Maybe you will be the one who will clarify for me! I have many ideas, many thoughts, but oddly no questions. Maybe because I wondered too much and I got short of questions. I read the great masters. I opened to the knowledge of this world and I have one certainty in life. I have to share this with you. It is important to grow aware of the abilities of ourselves, and to learn the importance of the links we build with our neighbors and nature.
The key is to have a sound body and a sound spirit. What are the steps, the avenues, the approaches? I do hope that by humbly sharing this account, you will clarify for me. I seek only open minded, impartial, unpretentious respect so I can improve myself. But first of all, I seek the sharing of a deep, sound friendship.
Alone, we are but a sand grain. Together we form a beach, a planet.
I shall be delighted to relate further adventures of a death traveler who remembers.