This wasn't the first suicide attempt, yet I can promise you, this most definitely will be my last. A month ago, I'd decided to end my own life, by downing sleeping pills, my other medications and gin, a side order of Ginseng tea. No kidding. I laid back in my bed, literally, and played the CD by 'Coldplay' all night long, a rush of blood to the head.
I began to, at first, sleep like a log, then somewhere during that night, I awoke, frightened. I felt my entire body shut down. I felt my entire body shut down, literally, beginning with my mind. Each compartment was as if they were rooms and persons were turning out the lights, to leave for the night, or practically forever and it scared me so much so, I remember standing up, kicking my legs, and honestly not wanting to believe the drowsy effect taking me over. I was so frightened, not even of dying, but because I just realized, my grandmother would open the door of my bedroom, and see me lying cold and dank in my bed, with this velvet light blaring over me. My body, frozen, my limbs solid, and my eyes literally open staring up at the ceiling. I realized she would see me this way, so frighteningly, I began to push myself, to fight the haze, to fight against the tiredness I was feeling - to fight against death.
I kept saying, no, this isn't happening. I won't die, I can't be dying if I am talking, my eyes are open, and here I am. People like me, don't die, I can't let her see me lying in bed, cold, and sick with my eyes open, please don't let me die, not like this. I heard a voice, that said, lie back, as I began to walk myself to bed, I remember, gazing profoundly in space. You know how people give blank stares, when they are thinking really, hard about something. The difference with me was my mind was blank, and each part of me was shutting down physically and I felt this. I just could not die this way. But the voice, told me to lie back. Lie down, and wait.
So I tried to close my eyes, and then I began to see myself lying in bed. This would be the OBE I guess. Because, I saw myself, on the ceiling, in spirit form, staring at my physical body, staring back with her eyes open, literally just dying, preparing to die, such a dark death.
Then, it got a little better, because I began to feel, lavender and purple and indigo around my body, haloing me, in some sort of comforting vice. It was enchanting, beautiful, very loving. I could still hear the song 'Daylight' in the boom box playing. I literally saw, the halo image of God. Either a Seraphim or God himself, because, He flew right over my sleeping body (my spirit returned to my body, and waited to be collected by angels) and said, in the most loving of voices, ' I can't take you now honey, I'm sorry.'
I spiritually remained in my body, and then I began to dream lucid dreams, or hallucinate, truthfully, I don't know, but this is what I saw. I saw myself, still staring up at the ceiling, first, except I was in a hospital and dressed in all black with a little white daisy in my front pocket. My entire family came to see me. I was hooked up to machines, I was barely breathing a tube (respirator) in my mouth, I was so paralyzed, my entire body save for my eyes, that couldn't blink, stared up at my family, I saw them all quite vividly, all of them crying.
I also heard the same voice *God* who said, I'm sorry doll, but, sometimes when people attempt suicide, and it's not their time to go, they end up in situations just to pass that time away, until it's time for that lifetime to end. And sometimes they end up in situations such as this. This is what happens. The voice was so soothing, so loving; I knew this was a time to learn.
It concluded with a kind, but quite realistic, You will wake up, you will be in one hundred percent shape, your mind will be one hundred percent healthy as it always was, but when this is over, you will wake up *very* sick. Perhaps this will discourage you from future tries. Please, I am begging you, your life will be beautiful, I promise you. You have nothing to worry about, you won't be homeless in the street (I was always worried that I wouldn't graduate high school or be able to take care of myself) this is a promise, from me to you. Please trust in me, I promise to never let you fall.
Then my mind was dancing in velvet and black. Literally, shapes, and universes were eating each other and growing inside of one another, celestial energy all the way, stars dancing around one another, and stars bursting into light.
After this, I remember waking up in with a full sound-mind as promised, and as promised I was sick for three days straight, vomiting everything up (this was the body's defense to make sure I wouldn't ingest anything harmful, I know this now), but after those three days, I healed up back to the normal me.
I was also inspired to write after my ordeal. This is what I wrote. It's to say, no matter who you are in this world, gay, straight, black, white, African or American, whoever you are, male, female, transgender, animal, incest, WHOEVER OR WHATEVER if it's created, God loves it. GOD LOVES YOU. If this will discourage anyone from ending it all, if this brings anyone out there hope, then I have done a good deed somewhere, which makes me very proud. I hope this gives people hope. Here is what I wrote, the day right after what I had done.
The Crow: Love is Stronger than Death 09/22/2003. You ever heard that old adage? 'Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought her back'? I never believed it was true, until last night. As with Love is stronger than death. Emotions and feelings being such guiding forces, able to raise us from the dead. Something so small like LOVE, yet so meaningful. Being sadly depressed for so long of my life, and I have yet to see a miracle in my life.
No one was a harsher, meaner taskmaster critic of me, than me. You can psychologize where those negative inner voices come from, mom dad, uncle, grandma and grandpa, or blame your entire dysfunctional family - go on you know you want to. Hell, the rest of you wants to place the blame rightfully into your arms, your lap. In truth, however you decide to put together why I am unstable, that's fine by me, but invariably, the madness of my existence always drove me to suicide. Always. I've been suicidal since I was twelve years old.
My grandmother only realized the seriousness, when I first, and finally, allowed myself into the care of psycho-evaluation. When you are stretched out on a stretcher, and you're vomiting all over the place, until your insides burned, you would think that is when a person would stop, right? Wrong. I wasn't a week out the hospital before I attempted four different times, always thinking, *'This is it, this will be the last of me,'* only to find myself awake, full-blown awake and in pain. Always in pain, worse pain then when I first attempted.
Last night was inevitable. His heart ached for me, and figured enough was enough, perhaps He just *had* to prove who was key over life or death, and guess who it is everyone, not just Jesus, not just God - but me. I had the power to blow me away. Or I had the power to strengthen me. Me. Last night, I drank down an entire bottle of pills, a bottle of 'Beef Eaters' gin, some sleeping pills, and a side order of Ginseng tea. I figured, *now this will invariably work*, and guess what everyone.
It really did. When I was stretched out on the stretcher, that was nothing, absolutely zilch nothing, compared to last night. I could feel my entire body shutting down, my brain closing, and my heart slowed until there was but a faint heartbeat. And if you think I am kidding, you think I am being dramatic, that's fine, but I know what I felt last night.
I saw the beginning stages of death. Firstly, you must believe angels surround you with love despite how low you feel, even if you're as cut and dry as Bill Maher, angels surround and light your path - they are there for a reason. See when you die, you need to be escorted through the astral realms. Who's better to do it than angels? I have about fifty-plus guarding me, I saw myself, step out of my body, I was raised up high on the ceiling a few times myself staring down at my sleeping body.
Most scientists would say that the brain is still active, even in death. This was several images at once flashing before me, because perhaps I was to have a near-death experience, or actually die, and that could be true as well - my brain, understand it's and the body's demise, could have been truly over-active that night, flashing several things, including my childhood before me, But, I know what I saw.
Next thing, I feel my entire bedroom light with rainbows, purple and gold light, and, I could feel God's presence. Do you know what he said? He didn't say, 'You're going to burn in hell, you're evil for this, you're a bad person.' Do you know what He said to me? 'I can't take you right now honey; you are barely finished with this lifetime. You have to complete why you are here. When you wake up, you will be very sick, but nothing will happen to you.' I remember the very soft, subtle way he said *honey*. It felt so wonderful, like GOD was up to date, and at the same time, was Himself. He had a soft feminine touch as God is both male and female energy, but it was nice.
I always remembered, reading Christian Self-Help books in bookstores, feeling frustrated, always my heart breaking, in this, 'Well does this include me?' way, when they would describe the vastness and the boundlessness and the forever-ness of God's love. It would always wreak my heart. How could God, ever love me? Sort of how I view everyone in my life, my family, my friends, online offline, right here. How could anyone love me? How, when I can't love me?
Revolutionary Esoterism. So why should God take time out of his busy day, to care anything about me? Protect me, yes when I drink myself sick for days at a time, no food, no water, nothing - but the booze that rocks in my gut, reminded me just how alone I am. Just how sad, I am. Shunned by the world.
So father, if I am your daughter, why have you allowed her to prostitute herself on the streets? Can you love tainted girls like me? No one could, but then, I was resurrected by love, the guiding hand light love. I was brought back because my heart refused to give up. That poor engine just would not give up.
So here, I am everyone. Even that Don Henley song stuck in my head *'I'm Taking You Home'* *which I figured* - and there it was my friends. My first encounter with my angels and God. Plus, my heart may have stopped or slowed to nothing, but it was still flowing with blood. The blood of love, the lamb, whatever you call it. Something kept me grounded in the physical, from leaving. I am here to do something important.
And certain people in my life, my grandma for instance, loved me. I kept thinking, Oh my God, what if she finds my body right here in the bed. My corpse, my lifeless corpse. How would she feel. How would she feel, seeing my lifeless dead body laying here in bed, as the CD 'Coldplay' remains on forever repeat? That kept me grounded here. That image. Her.
Not even her, but just the idea she would see my body lying in this bed, dead with my eyes gazing up at the ceiling. My eyes didn't close for part of the night. Part of that night. Most of that night. I wish, I could have understood the significance then, what did my eyes read, when they were locked onto my ceiling? Were they in hope? sadness? despair? Could they have they read my expression, if I had died that night? The idea that we sort of wake one another up, every day, to complete the day, it's different now, because I can write my emotions but not show them. And I understand, now. Everything.
She kept my heart from letting me fly. Love is stronger than Death.
The same could even be said of Jesus Christ. He sacrificed his own life as the last sacrifice, so that all can have salvation. Personally I believe God came down more than once besides Jesus, but, Jesus is most popular with everyone.
Another prime example, would be with the movie 'Lost and Delirious'? Remember when Paulie was with Mary Brave, they recited Lady Macbeth's role in Shakespeare's 'Macbeth', and, then chose themselves to become one with the darkness. Remember, when Mary Brave at the end said, 'I was almost lost to the darkness, but you were inside me saying be strong. You were the heart inside of me that kept to the light.'
Sadly, Paulie didn't have anyone to love her, Paulie didn't have anyone to guide her from the darkness, so she had to fly. It's a lot like that. I was lost in oblivion, black holes, black scenery, and apathy, but my heartbeat kept me here, grounded on planet earth.
I love you all, Stay strong. Please keep pushin' on. Someone hears you, somewhere.
Date NDE Occurred: recently
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Life threatening event, but not clinical death I drank hardcore liquor and pills.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Explained in story.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Out cold.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Everything meshed as one.
Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? Music, God's voice, angels, sighing, singing, love.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes I never saw heaven or hell, I learned there really isn't a hell. But I wasn't allowed into heaven because it wasn't 'my time to go'.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Angels, Spirits, Seraphim, God.
The experience included: Light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes All around me in my bedroom etc.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm Everything meshed as one.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, like I needed to learn something. Protected, as if someone in this world cared.
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe Again, there isn't a hell and God loves us all. The most important knowledge anyone could know.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control Family came to see me.
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will Again, peace, love, the only worry was whether or not, I was really on a respirator, or if that was all a dream.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist Raised Southern Baptist Christian
What is your religion now? Liberal I am New Age/Eastern Philosophy (Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist) and a little Christian influences. I KNOW now, GOd loves us all. Regardless of our beliefs, or whether we are gay or strait, black or white. God loves us ALL!!!!!!!! He loves me regardless of how I feel.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I won't do what I did ever again.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Because, I kept seeing the color of Lavender, and, I felt so much love, sadness, love, Mercy, kindness - and the entire thing was a message, and I know it.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I could fly.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Just the idea that, what I've done, could have maimed me for life. That depresses me some.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Grandma didn't like the idea of me ending it all, I can say that. But somehow she had to understand.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Again, if any of you are depressed reading this, please, hold on.