My Own Personal Return to Love through an NDE:1994 ArizonaI had gone in for a common routine surgery. I am not sure what happened during the surgery as I was knocked out, all I know is suddenly I was running in a grassy field toward a giant sun. I remembered looking down at my legs and they were short to the ground, I was a child again. There was another child holding my hand and running beside me. It was a little blonde hair boy with blue eyes. The most amazing part was a pure feeling of the most intense love I can barely describe. It was just wave after wave of pure love. It was within me, it was around me, it was EVERYTHING. It felt like heartbeats of love, one wave of love after another. Yet there was love in the interim as well, then the wave would come with even more and more. It was endless, eternal and complete. I had no fear whatsoever, I had no feeling other than LOVE. I had no thought other than reaching the LIGHT. I felt pure happiness and joy. It was the most beautiful feeling that words could never even come close to describing. The closest thing I can think of to relate it to on this earth would be the moment I brought my child into this world. That moment of pure unconditional love that I'm sure most mothers and some fathers have felt. Still that is only but a very small fraction of what I am trying to explain. Words seem so small and insignificant in comparison to the experience. So I am running towards this massive sun experiencing total acceptance and love. I knew that nothing earthly mattered anymore and I had this complete sense of peace about everything that I had ever done. I just wanted to keep running toward the light. Then suddenly I heard my name being called from behind me. I stopped and paused for a moment and I knew I had a choice. To keep going forward or to go back. I never remembered making that choice however. The next thing I remembered were doctors standing over me frantically repeating, “NICHOLE, Stay with us Nichole” and then the pain came. The pain in my body was so intense I could barely stand it. I now believe that they must have cut off my 'sthetics completely at that point and were frantically trying to sew me back up quickly. I have never experienced physical pain like that again thank God. I felt like my body was in a vice and they were squeezing it tighter and tighter. I do remember laying there saying aloud over and over, "NO, LET ME GO BACK! WANT TO GO BACK!" with tears streaming down my face. I was so upset and I felt for the longest time that I never got to make the choice, that the doctors did it for me and I was so MAD at them.I think I spent many years depressed and angry because I believed that they robbed me of my graduation date from this planet. I truly believed for so long that I was meant to leave on that day. I couldn’t understand why I would be given a glimpse of something so beautiful only to have to return to such pain. Pain in that moment and pain in the disillusionment of the world in general. I was only 25 at the time but I believed I was done here and that I belonged where the LOVE is. I have always been a tender heart and the violence and greed on this planet seem so foreign to me and ridiculously unnecessary. After this experience it was dam near unbearable for me to witness it for a long time.It’s taken me 20 years to realize that I did indeed make the choice to stay. I know if I had chose to leave no doctor could have prevented that. I believe I was given a glimpse so that I could carry on KNOWING what we are truly made of. To reinforce my conviction in The Power of LOVE and knowing that it's all there really is and all that really matters. I think I was given this blessing so I could share it with others. I have read other stories so similar to my own, with slight variations in the visual experience, I'm sure due to our own life paths but the feeling of LOVE seems to be the common theme. A Return to Love is no cliché, it is truly LOVE we are made of. It is where we came from and where we will return when we are done with this body. I know we come here to anchor this love in this place, to increase this LOVE, to remember what we are is LOVE, but why I can not presume to say. Today, I work so hard to raise the awareness of how powerful collective LOVE is. It’s what the entire universe is made of. We can call it anything we want, like God, Allah, Jesus, or Mohammad. But, the name is all the same under the word LOVE. Now I try to help others to Just BE LOVE. My daily mantra is "I LOVE therefore I AM." I am looking forward to my final return to love but in the meantime I hope to share the love I touched for a moment there with the people I love here.
Date NDE Occurred: 12-28-1994
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related. Life threatening event, but not clinical death.
The surgery was for a breast augmentation that is normally done in a hospital setting. This particular doctor offered to do it in-office for a discounted fee. I foolishly, at age 25, went along with that. Something happened during the surgery. I believe I started to cross over and I had the following experience as described in the box below.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Just as described, I heard my name being called while I was there and I know that it was verified as they were still saying it after I had returned to consciousness.
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal Then I lost consciousness for a moment, only to regain it with full awareness of being back on the operating table. My alertness was hazy from that point on, but I clearly remember the pain in my body and that is all I could think about. The intensity of my awareness was far more profound than it ever had been prior to this experience. I had a knowing and understanding of everything during the NDE, whereby in my everyday life I had questions about everything and a constant searching for answers. Today after 20 years of reflection and growth I have less questions and a much greater alertness, but still nowhere near as much as during that experience.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? The entire experience, up until I realized I had a choice to make.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
I felt like it was all endless without beginning or end. Time seemed insignificant or nonexistent.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. The colors were way more vibrant than anything I have seen here. My vision prior was 20/20 and after it remained 20/20.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I never even thought of this before this question but I don't recall hearing anything at all except my name toward the end of the experience. In fact, I think there was no sound at all. My hearing prior to the experience was pretty good and remained the same after the experience, I think.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I did not see a tunnel that I can recall, although it felt like my return was through a ‘pin-hole’ is the best way I can describe it.
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The most massive sun! It was Gigantic but it did not hurt to look at it, whatsoever.
The experience included: A landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It was a different environment for sure. There was the grass, the sun, and the galaxy made of stars surrounding it. Nothing else existed.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and MORE LOVE!!
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I felt like I had no more questions (and in life I had a million of them all the time ever-consuming me) here, in this place, all questions had answers but I no longer needed to even ask them. I just knew on a deep level. It was the second most powerful part of my experience: only second to the LOVE.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I heard my name being called from behind me from a distance and I paused and knew I had a choice to make. I do not recall making the choice however.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Greatly important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Other faiths- New age I owned a Metaphysical bookstore at the time of the incident. I studied many different philosophies and religions during that time.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes At the time of the NDE, I was searching in everything for the meaning and purpose in life. I desperately wanted to understand what happened after death, what we are here for, how do we get here: all the big questions. I studied Astrology, Tarot, Rune Stones, all kinds of spiritual gurus, channeling, Native American philosophies, World religion classes, auras, crystals, hypnosis, past life reincarnation and the list can go on and on. I was searching for answers anywhere and everywhere: trying to follow the rituals. After the NDE, I realized none of those things were necessary, because the answers are all within and I had to be given a magnifying glass. I still played with all the fun-stuff for a while, but I know I don't need it to know.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other faiths- New age
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience There was none of the things I feared. I did not have an overwhelming fear of the afterworld but I did not know for sure if we encountered some judgment by a supreme human being in a big chair capable of doling out punishment for all eternity. It was in the back of my mind from all the dogma I took in for years but somewhere inside me I think I always knew the truth and this experience solidified it for me.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes My belief that we were bad and imperfect and always having to live up to some fictional being that others tell us is the only way to God. I also believed in a male looking god-figure that I no longer believe. I'm not sure what God is other than I know it is love. Now is there something greater that is creating the love that I felt? Possibly, or perhaps, it is a collective love formed by all the souls of us people. Where most of my other questions got answers, this answer has turned to a question. The only difference is I don't fret it, if there is a being creating the love, well the being must be love to create such love, and thus I have no fear of it.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin There was a child with me (I was a child as well) I have no idea who this child is; I've never seen him before, that I can recall. He appeared human like me though: Blonde Hair - Blue Eyes. Holding my hand and running alongside with me.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I was aware that I continually exist. No actual memory of how or what I existed as only that I have been existing forever. Everything was a knowing not a question/answer.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I was everything and everything was me and it all was pure love. EVERYTHING WAS ONE = LOVE.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes For me it was not a being as much as an energy of LOVE. I felt like something larger was the LOVE but it had no face or body.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? I am uncertain if God exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes This experience has shown me that only LOVE is real. ALL we encounter is LOVE. I feel the ‘Special Knowledge’ I gained is far too much to recount here and it is a living breathing thing to this day still uncovering itself. The purpose I felt is just to BE LOVE: I do not feel any need to accomplish great tasks or live in any certain manner: just to know that I am loved and I am LOVE. I guess the best thing to say is LOVE is our purpose. I want to help others feel that too, that is my purpose to raise the love all around me.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain Again it was just a knowing of what everything was about. It wasn't anything specific it was just an accepted IS...not sure if that makes sense but that is the best way I can describe it.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife probably exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I had full knowledge that I existed beyond death. It was a knowing along with all the other knowing that I had in that place.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I did not fear death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain I experienced a knowing of things that I am still uncovering today. I came back with a lot of subtle information is the best I can describe it. For me it's been a process of understanding all I knew there. I have noticed I tend to learn life lessons much faster than the many of people around me. I have also been told more than once I see things much different than most people, I attribute that to this experience.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Uncertain what I can say is that I had ZERO feeling of any difficulty, challenge or hardship...they no longer existed.
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes ALL THAT IS is LOVE...that one emotion was the entire theme of the whole experience. I felt LOVE and only LOVE and it was the entire universe. Unconditional and all encompassing love. It was constant in the background and also consistent waves of more lo
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Large changes in my life. The changes have been taking place over the past 20 years, since this occurred. That's a lot to write about so in my shortest possible assessment: Initially I was depressed and angry for having to return to my body. I looked out at the world, it wasn't as loving or beautiful as what I had witnessed there, and I felt homesick for many years. I had another series of life altering events in the year 2001 that literally bled the anger out of me: a whole other experience where I was facing death and had an out of body but not what I call an NDE, as I never lost consciousness or anything like that.
I was attacked by a mob (10+) of people with beer bottles who were very much trying to kill me and it was the most violent thing I have ever went through. That experience, along with my NDE, is when I finally fully understood what I was here to do. The world needs more love HERE and I have touched the other side where it's all the love in the universe. I believe I can now be a bridge for that love.
I vowed after that attack to fully let go of my anger. I had bought a gun for protection in 2000. I got rid of it immediately after being attacked as I knew from that moment on I did not want to bring any violence to this world, in any way. The world was so violent already and I wanted to be sure I put as much love and compassion into the world as I could, to counter-act it. This is how the experienced changed me; however, it took a couple of aftermaths to bring it all full circle. I suppose I had to stop feeling sorry for myself for having chosen to stay here and to get on with what I came to do: which is increase the LOVE. That is just a small fraction of how it has changed me but it is most likely one of the most significant.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes They have. I have more love and compassion for others. Sometimes others can't be in that energy for long and fall away, others it draws them closer. Some of the people, from that time frame, are still in my life today and others are long gone. The ones that were fear-based and wanted to stay that way, are the ones that moved away from me, the ones in fear, but wanting the light, seem to draw closer and the ones that were already radiating light and love are my lifelong soul mates.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The visual experience is not hard to describe, but the intensity of the feeling of love is difficult to find meaningful enough words. If feels like no matter how much I try to use words to describe it, they fall short of the experience.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember this experience absolutely in its entirety. It's been 20 years since it happened and many of the things surrounding it have dissipated. I recall certain things around the time of the experience. I remember where I lived, worked, and who I was dating at the time. A very significant thing I remember is how I choose to have this surgery to begin with which in itself was very strange. I had never once thought about getting plastic surgery, it never once occurred to me EVER that I would want it. I wasn't like many girls who think about getting a breast augmentation for a long time, or desire it for a long time. None of that was the case with me. Then one day I woke up, sat straight up in bed and the words came flying out of my mouth "I'm doing it !" I had no idea at that moment what exactly I was doing, I only knew that I had had a dream which I couldn't remember the details, but I decided in the dream I needed to do this...next thing I knew I was in the phone book looking up doctors. I wanted an appointment TODAY ! December 21st, and the first doctor that agreed to see me today I went with. I walked in and I REMEMBER that the doctor was wearing purple scrubs and I said you are a Sagittarius aren't you? He looked at me shocked and said yes I am. I am a Sagittarius so that was like a bell going off in my head. I knew I was in the right place. Again to any realist it sounds nuts but the feeling was so incredibly strong I had to trust it. The surgery was done one week to the day after that and it changed not only my appearance but my spirit as well. Those are the details I remember clearly after 20 years and they have not changed not one word of it. I don't tell it often and yet the details are as fresh as the day it happened.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I was already drawn to psychic / spiritual things prior, but my understanding and abilities got much stronger. Not sure they might have anyway with time and practice and study. Can't be sure if this contributed or not, but intuitively, I feel it's all connected.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The grass and the sun and seeing myself as a child. I was around the age of 5, which was before any traumatic experiences occurred for me in life. I feel I went back to the time before any emotional pain touched me. As a child, my favorite thing to do was run in a grassy field on a sunny day. I even would get the urge as soon as I saw one. So, for that to be my homecoming is very special to me. I also have always wondered who the little boy was that was with me.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I have shared it over the years on rare occasions. Right after it happened, I shared it with a couple of people into esoteric things. They had no doubt it was accurate and they seemed very interested. I shared it with a couple close friends and they seemed interested but slightly uncomfortable. Then over the years, I have shared it here and there with select people but not many. Most of the time, I felt inspired to share it with people that were struggling with the loss of a loved one. When I shared it with those people, it was always received with much emotion and relief. I would say though over 20 years’ time, I doubt I shared it with more than 20 people. Then recently I shared it on a page on Facebook and the response was overwhelming. It is what led me here to this site at the suggestion of a poster. It certainly seems to be influencing people I believe.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes Although it wasn't as written about in the early 90's, I was aware that there were accounts of NDE's. I don't recall having read any one account in particular, though. I really don't think it influenced my own experience as it wasn't something to which I was too exposed.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I remembered it immediately and it was too powerful to explain away. What also validated it to me was the doctor’s reaction to the entire thing: first, in the moment as I remember them being frantic and talking to me. Then they took away the anesthesia and they were still talking to me, telling me ‘it's almost over, hang in there,’ that kind of thing. I was supposed to be knocked out, so why were they talking to me and why could I feel everything happening, if something to wake me up during the surgery didn't scare them enough. I've had many surgeries since then and never once have I been waked up during them. I have never doubted the reality of it, not for one minute, I KNOW it was real.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Nothing has changed. It is as real now as it was then.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes The attack I spoke of earlier, gave me an out a body experience. I watched myself from the ceiling being brutally attacked by a group of people. It was like watching a wolf-pack devour its kill. I did not feel anything that was happening to me. For months afterwards, I suffered terrible PTSD and my view of the world and the people in it was very dim. Then one night, I dreamt of the Black Panther, whenever it showed up (reoccurring many times over my life) it was in attack mode. I remember all the times I dreamt of that Black Panther and how as soon as I saw it, my anxiety in my dreams would go through the roof. Well after the attack it showed up, only this time it was accompanied by a beautiful woman with dark hair and brown eyes. She didn't have wings or anything but I knew she was an angel. I told her I didn't want to be attacked anymore and I broke down sobbing in the dream, she told me we had to bleed the aggression out of the panther and she cut his head and laid him gently down on a white towel. I had had severe lacerations to my head, which required several staples to close. SO there was no mistaken that the panther was me! I always felt that the NDE, the Attack, and that dream were all connected. After that dream, the panther came to me a few more times only as my ally not my enemy. I believe the NDE showed me what I needed to see and the attack activated me into motion. I vowed to do my best to bring love, not anger, to the world and I have kept that going ever since. It's getting stronger and stronger every year.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I can't think of anything you haven't asked already.
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