Let's see how I am going to do this. Ok guess I will start with the one in Jan of 2004.
I was feeling so depressed and so alone. I had been raped over the past four years by a guy who my parents trusted to take care of me since I was ten years old. I wanted out of a life that I felt did not want me around. I was sleeping with anyone who would take me, doing drugs, and fighting with my parent's day in and day out. At the time I felt like my dad was keeping me around as a kick-toy and that he did not care what happen to me.
So one night I took a knife and my baby sister (who at that time was just three months old) into my room and locked the door. I wanted to use her as a pawn for myself. It was not long before my dad and his friend pounded on the door and his friend kicked the door open (at the time my dad was transferred by his job and we were living with an old friend of his until we got a house). I had told my dad that if he come into the room I would run the knife into my chest and kill myself. Also told him that if he tried to stop me that I would kill my baby sister. My dad and I started fighting over the knife and as we did, his friend's oldest sons came into the room and tried to take my sister out of the room. I took the knife from my dad and then cut one of them on his left arm. I then ran the knife into my right chest four times and told my dad to leave me. I told him that if he had the paramedics come in I would ran the knife in my chest again.
I was laying on the floor with blood draining out of me and my mom crying for the paramedics to help me. One of my dad's friend's sons started talking to me and calmed me down enough to have the paramedics start working on me and get me to the hospital. When I got to the hospital, I was taken to surgery that lasted eight hours and it would be almost two weeks before I was taken off a vent.
I am not sure just how many days passed from the time I was admitted to the time I had my first NDE. I could hear my parents talking to me for a few days before. I could also hear them yelling back and forth about me. I know that my dad had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on me and my mom did not want to sign it.
I don't know just how many days past before I had my NDE. At the time, I did not even know what was happening. I had some understanding about what might become of you when you pass on but I never took it as the truth. I never really cared about it at that time.
The last thing I remember hearing was my dad yelling at my mom to sign the DNR but she would not sign it. Then I felt like I was passing out and not having enough air and my lungs were getting tight. Then I felt light and I could not feel anything at all. The room become fuzzy and all I knew was that I was feeling was what people around me were feeling. I was feeling what my mom and dad were feeling. My mom was feeling love and hurt and my dad was feeling hurt and anger. I then heard them yelling again but faintly and I heard my dad say, 'No, don't touch him. Let him go, it's what he wants. He has been trying to kill himself for a while now let him go.' Then my mom yelled back, 'Do what you have to save him! He is my son too and I want him alive! Mike, if he dies I am leaving and taking Kelli with me and I will bury my son by myself!' and then everything around me seemed to melt away.
Then I thought I was out of bed because I saw my parents in the hallway yelling at each other but I could not make out what they were saying. I saw my doctor standing at the doorway of a room looking at my parents. I walked back into the room and I saw myself, my body, lying on the bed dying. Then the last thing I heard coming from my dad was, 'Okay save him, I want my son.' Then everything went black.
This place was black as night. There were nobody around to hear my asking for help. I did not know where I was. I did not know if I was in a room or a hallway or anything. All I remember is there was just blackness. There was not up or down, there was not walls, nothing, just blackness. I felt like I was lost some place and wanting to find my way to any place other than where I was.
Then I saw a flash of light. A flash so bright and full of color that I felt like I was going to go blind. I noticed it was coming to me and growing stronger in color but it was not blinding. Instead, it was warm and full of love, care, and forgiveness.
As the light grew closer to me, I could see rainbow colors coming out from everywhere and I was hearing music. The kind of music that you just can't hear on earth. It was like angels singing. As the colors passed by me, I heard them say that I was going to be just fine, that I was home. Everything would be told to me now. They were speaking by way of mental powers, I was able to understand them, and I remember telling them that I was glad to be home where such love lived. The kind of love that could not be felt on earth. When I stood right in front of the light, I noticed that there was a golden center that was speaking to me; again by mental powers, and asked if I knew where I was. I told that I thought I was home to stay.
Then the light passed over me and I saw photos of my life. I saw my parents. The center of the light asked me if I could feel anything from the photos. I said I could feel intense love and pain from my mom. From my dad I was feeling intense love and that he was very hurt by what I had done.
I was asked what I wanted to do at that point. I was told that if I came across just a bit more there would be no return. I was then shown a house. I was able to look in it and I saw my dad so very sad and very depressed with nobody around him. My mom was nowhere to be found. I was told that was going to be how my father was going be if I stayed. I was then shown a very green hillside and on top of it, I saw my mom crying and I could feel her hurting pain. I was told that was how she was going to be if I stayed. I did not know what I wanted to do at that point. All I know was I did not want to come back but I did not want to see my parents the way they where.
The light then moved away a bit and said that an angel wanted to speak to me. I heard it tell me that she was Mandy's mom. (Mandy is the daughter of my dad's friend who we were living with at the time. Her mom passed away in November 2003 because of injuries she had from a car accident). She said that it may be best that I go back to my parents because I was loved by them and I was hurting seeing them if I stayed. I don't remember saying that I wanted to come back, I just remember that I was told okay you have stated that you want to go back so you will.
Then I was told to close my eyes and just keep listening to the music and the angels sing. When I closed my eyes I felt a big push and I was on my back and I was falling in a circle. I remember seeing black spots of light pass into my head. When I came back into my body, I felt like I had hit a sidewalk much like somebody would hit when they fall off a roof of a house. I was in so much pain. If I had to rate it from 1-10 I would rate it a 2000.
My parents had left the hospital when they were told that I had died. They had no idea that I had come back to them. It was a few hours before they went back to hospital and let me know that I was now a part of the living world again. A few weeks after I was released from the hospital a drunk driver killed my mom.
My second attempt was much like my first. I had ran a knife through my left chest and hung myself. At the time, I felt like my dad did not care for me or love me and he was better off without me. He and the neighbor found me and cut me off the rope. My dad held me and started crying. I was rushed to the hospital, then to surgery where my spleen was removed. It was when I was in surgery that my mom came to me and told me that my dad loves me and cares about me so much. She played back and made a point of making me feel what my dad was feeling when they cut me down from the rope. She even showed me that he was crying in the waiting room praying that I would pull through. The second time I had no choice but to come back.
When I came to my body a second time I was in a room with a vent and I was able to see my dad for a few minutes and he said that everything was going to be okay. He was brushing the hair back off my forehead then he gave me a kiss and said we would work everything out.
My second attempt was much like my first. I had ran a knife through my left chest and hung myself. At the time, I felt like my dad did not care or love me and he was better off without me. He and the neighbor found me and cut me off the rope. My dad held me and started crying. I was rushed to the hospital then to surgery where my spleen was removed.
It was when I was in surgery that my mom come to me and told me that my dad loves me and cares about me so much. She played back and made a point of making me feel what my dad was feeling when they cut me down from the rope. She even showed me that he was crying in the waiting room praying that I would pull through. The second time I had no choice but to come back.
When I come to my body a second time, I was in a room with a vent. I was able to see my dad for a few minutes and he said that everything was going to be ok. He was brushing the hair back off my forehead then he gave me a kiss and said we would work everything out.
Date NDE Occurred: 1-25-2004/7-13-2004
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening first one was clinical death
second was only a codeBoth were suicide attempts.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was alert when I crossed over.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning The first time I thought I was only gone for a few seconds. It turns out I was gone for ninety minutes
Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? Music.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes The 'place of blackness' was like a tunnel or enclosure.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes See main narrative.
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes See main narrative.
The experience included: A landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm See main narrative. I was then shown a house. I was able to look in it and I saw my dad so very sad and very depressed with nobody around him. My mom was nowhere to be found. I was told that was going to be how my father was going be if I stayed. I was then shown a very green hillside and On top of it I saw my mom crying and I could feel her hurting pain.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I know and realize that not just my life on earth is a gift from God but everything is a gift from God. My family, my friends, my pet, the flowers on the highways that we all pass, the birds singing, the fish swimming in lakes, rivers, streams, and the ocean, the water we drink, the food we eat. I know and realize that I am not the one who can take away my gift. I realize that God gave me this life on earth with such wonderful gifts. Both my parents are wonderful gifts and everything that they have shown me is a wonderful gift that they have gotten and passed a gift to me. My mom is not a part of this world but her and my father will keep on passing many gifts on to my sister and myself. I have also come to have a much deeper need to learn about God. I also have a much deeper love for my family, friends and the world around me.
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control See main narrative.
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future See main narrative.
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes I was told that if came across just a bit more there would be no return.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will See main narrative.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I believe in what my mom and dad have tried to teach me about religion.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I know what people are going to do before they do so. I can finish someone's idea. Know what is going to be asked by someone before they ask it. Know what is going to be on a test and what the answers are. I can also see emotions from people. I can see the emotions with light.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The best of my first attempt was knowing that there is an afterlife and the ones who have passed on are waiting for us and are there to help us in this world when we need it. The worst part of the first attempt was coming back to a world of pain. The best thing about the second attempt was being with my mom and hearing my dad say everything was going to be ok that we would work everything out. The worst part about the second attempt was being on a vent for two days because I so wanted to talk to my dad right away.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Some people love to hear it about what waits for us in another life. Others just think I am nuts.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I don't know if the second one would count as a NDE because I was never called dead.