While in an argument following an event with my ex-husband I lost all stress and anger and sadness. I became very peaceful and quiet. In that moment, I had decided to end my own life. I asked if I could come over and pick up my dog (she's eleven and just as dear to me as my daughter). I threw on some clothes sorted through my medications and chose a few. The drive was pleasant my awareness seemed heighted and I was not scared or worried at all. I did not cry. I felt safe and peaceful. I pulled up to the house (at 3:08 am) I had three bottles of medicine. I walked in took off my shoes and went to the kitchen. I got a yogurt smoothie from the fridge drank some to coat my stomach and poured some water. I had no intentions of returning. At this point, I could feel the effects of the first three bottles and stumbled a little as the house was dark. I made it to the bedroom where my ex was sleeping with my dog Sarah. I took off a ring I had on for some reason and laid it on the dresser and then I lay down with Sarah. I felt extremely calm and peaceful.
My ex then realized I was on the bed and I was starting to drift away physically. He asked what I was doing. I cried and said to please tell my daughter I loved her, please tell her every day, and please take good care of my dog. I said I was sorry. I went to sleep. Clinically at this point, I should not remember what happened but I do.
I saw it. He waited. He waited until he figured out I didn't just sedate myself. When I stopped breathing, he dragged me to the bathroom. He called 911. My dog barked at him. He waited scared. The paramedics arrived they turned me over, I was not breathing, I did not have a heartbeat. They intubated me. They tried to get veins but they blew. They cut off my sweatshirt then my sweater. They gave an adrenaline injection. All of this was so calm, light, and peaceful. I felt so light. I felt so safe and happy. It went dark. Then it was very loud, bright, and painful. I seized and the trachea tube was too large so it jammed into my left lung. I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't breathe. It was so loud and so bright. Each color was blurred I couldn't focus. Everything was black again. Then pain still dark but lots of pain in my lungs. I aspirated and was drowning. They thought I was seizing and didn't know. I drifted away again light, very light. Then I heard sounds so fuzzy and so far away. Then black. Then I woke up. I was so angry. I was so angry to be back in the pain.
Date NDE Occurred: 10-29-2008
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
I took three hundred various pills.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Just before I took the pills and when the adrenaline brought me back.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
It seemed to last for a long period of time when it was only an hour or so.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm in the darkness i was aware of being away from earth or this place. i felt like a different plane
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace, lightness, and calm, safe, and warm.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Again it was implied.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal I'm pretty open with religion however I don't believe in anything specific
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What is your religion now? Liberal it hasn't changed too much
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain It was all implied.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Uncertain I can explain the clinical issues just fine, the implied feelings of the situation are hard to express.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain Dreams, lots of dreams, that seem to keep me here helping me understand and see the future events I need to be here for.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? All of it. But the peacefulness haunts me; I feel it is unattainable now.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes One day. Most listen and nod but do not understand how my death could have been peaceful.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes My grandmother has spoken to me about it before.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I think about it every day and struggle to understand how I'm supposed to use it now. I feel like part of me never came back and I'm unsure of what to do with myself.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I experienced extreme anxiety afterwards and one night being out of Xanax tried to take a different pill. It brought back that feeling of letting go that peace as I fell asleep and it scared me.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I do not regret it and my family does not understand why. People feel that I should be ashamed of my actions but I feel differently. I feel like it helped me a lot but at the same time I'm unsure of who I am now. Does anyone else feel this way?