I had surgery. Before returning to consciousness, I saw whiteness. It was like a big white sheet with the brightest light in the world behind it. There was writing on this whiteness. It said:JESUSRYAN (Ryan is my son who claims to be an atheist)HELLOn my left shoulder I felt this overpowering ‘draw’ to move on, to continue ahead, to proceed, to go to the next dimension. However, on my right, I felt as if I were tethered. I felt like I was anchored and being pulled back to the present. I started pleading and begging the force that was compelling me to move forward, ‘I can't go right now, I cannot leave my boy, I cannot go without my son; please let me stay until I can bring my boy also.’ Then the pulling, compulsion, yearning, to go ahead ceased. I felt a knowledge that I was free to come ahead if I so chose, but I would also be allowed to return if that was my wish. I chose to return to a mortal life. When I opened my eyes, I was in recovery screaming that I could not leave my boy. I said over and over again, ‘I can't go without my son. I cannot leave without my boy.’
Date NDE Occurred: 1-20-2015
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related. Life threatening event, but not clinical death
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal My entire being, at that moment's existence, hung in the balance. My decision would be a life altering decision.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? The entire time. I was THERE. I was alert and I was fully self-aware. I understood the perimeters, and I understood the context of my surroundings.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No It was more like time was suspended.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was not a vision. I, the entity which makes me who I am, was there in a spiritual person.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I did not hear anything; it was a silent knowledge. I did not feel that I had an earthly existence. It was a passing of feelings that was a language unto itself. Admittedly, I did feel as if I were reading with a human sight the words that had been written on the white; however, the conveyance of information between the force that was pulling me forward and my existence at that time was not a physical exchange.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I felt as if I were in between worlds. I felt as if ‘eternity’ was on the other side of the white, and that the entity I encountered had been sent to me as an ambassador. I felt that my future existence was solely dependent upon the decision I made right then. I could opt to go forward or I could choose to go back. However, I was acutely aware that I had been granted an extension.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Desperation in leaving my son behind. A kind calmness from the entity which was entreating me. I felt a burning yearning to go forward. I felt horror that I would never see my son again. Sorrow at having to return. Love. An amazing understanding, compassion, empathy, and sorrow from the entity which entreated me. A calm assurance that by refusing to go ahead, I was not giving up my place, and that when the time was full, 'this' would be waiting for me. I felt a definite knowledge that the next time I received the call I would have to go; but that out of love for me, I had been given one more chance to go and try to get my boy. Because of my love for my boy, and my father's love for us, my boy was given a reprieve.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No I already understand. What happened was a confirmation of what I already knew/know.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
The experience included: Awareness of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes It was more of a point of no return than a boundary. I knew if I chose to proceed I could not return.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Greatly important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant I am a follower of Jesus Christ, I am saved by grace.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Christian- Protestant
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I did not know that once called we still had the choice to return...I always believed what others had said about being sent back but I did not know that we could chose to come back.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No Just a confirmation of what I already believed.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No I did not hear anything, the conveyance of thoughts, (for lack of a better word) was that of one entity recognizing and understanding another entity of like-kind. It was a mutual understanding, I did not have to explain my dilemma and the other entity did not have to ask, it already knew. It compelled me forward and my love for my son was dragging me back. The other entity knew. It knew and understood.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No It felt as if it would have been a seamless transition...if it had not been for the dilemma concerning my boy; I feel as if I would have passed from this life to the next as with "blinders" for all that was behind and would only have been able to comprehend that feeling that I experienced with the entity which was sent to me...that oneness...that all encompassing understanding. (That is so hard to explain)
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No Not a universe connection...but a spiritual (once again, for lack of a better word) connection. A sense of being absorbed by a force that is likened to your own, a sense of becoming homogenized, the old with the new.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes It was a foregone conclusion...that I was in the realm of the Creator was never in question...it was not addressed because when you are IN THE MOMENT such as I have described...how can that be denied? If you had any doubts before...the thought of "non-belief" never comes to mind...because you are IN IT, you are there, you are FEELING it!!!
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes To get my boy and to share this experience. I have been waiting all of my life for this. I did not know what it was or how it would come but I have always known I was…waiting.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No The moment that I was in, WAS life's purpose...that was evident.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife definitely exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes Absolutely...without question...without reservation...without a doubt. There IS continued existence.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I slightly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Moderately fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes It changed my perspective...it changed me....I will never be the same. I am no longer afraid...I walk with confidence because I do not walk alone.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes The hardship of convincing my boy...JESUS-RYAN-HELL...it was obvious to me that my boy was hovering between eternity with me, or separated from me. I want him with me and I was willing to decline my turn to see that he is.
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Love is the most powerful force on earth...a human will do things for love that he/she would never do for any other reason. Love is not an emotion it is a force...it offers life.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life. Resolve. I am going to go fight for my boy. I may have to give up my job, sell everything I own, move 500 hundred miles away from my residence of over 35 years. But I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my boy will follow me to the next realm of existence. Large changes in my life. Resolve. I am going to go fight for my boy. I may have to give up my job, sell everything I own, move 500 hundred miles away from my residence of over 35 years. But I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my boy will follow me to the next realm of existence.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain I do not know yet.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The part about being pulled in one direction and anchored in the other is hard to explain. A yearning to go, yet a responsibility to stay: a very hard decision that only a mother's love could decide.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I think you already know.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? No But I intend to share it far and wide. I am going to become the nut-case who believes she saw ‘the other side’.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I was there. It was as real as I am sitting here now. In fact it was more acute and solid.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No Absolutely not. It is singular.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Our lives here are a proving ground. There is a Creator and we are held accountable.
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