Experience Description

I remember this was the third time I attempted suicide. Worse, this time I took every tablet there was in the house and swallowed them with whisky. First I need to explain the reason for this situation, and the fact is that I was abused by my father at 9 years old and had blocked it out until he tried to do it again when I was 15, then all my memories were unleashed. I fell into a depression and stopped believing in God. I wanted to die, cease existing, because I felt shame and disgust. Without a thought, I took the pills.

I just remember everything turned black, then I was walking and I remember I was not wearing shoes. The ground was muddy, cold, and the stones were hurting me. I could not see anything around me; I only knew I had to keep going forward. There was a sound of water, murmurings, and I was very tired and wanted to rest. I was weeping from pain and desperation, and little by little the tears rinsed my eyes clear and I began to see everything. It seemed to be night, and then I saw a bench, right there in the middle of what looked like a wood. When I approached, wanting to sit down, I changed my mind and continued walking.

Then I came to a place where the path ended and there was a trickle of water in the mud. I saw someone approaching but I was not afraid. Gradually everything became lighter, a bit like day dawning, and I saw him far off and getting closer. It was my grandfather dressed in white and coming towards me. When he got to me, it was already sunny and in the distance, I could make out some people observing me, also, a kind of house or rather a church. He smiled at me and I smiled at him and asked him if he had come for me. He said 'No', and that he was just there to talk with me. He said he was charged with telling me it was still not my time, and that I had to go back because I was needed and that my questions would be answered in due course.

He said my dad was sick and that all my self-destructive thoughts were of evil origin and they must not overcome me as I had my life in front of me. He told me to live it and everything would change, but I must be patient and forgiving. He said my grandmother would not be taken yet, although he missed her still, she would get through the operation. I told him I did not want to go back, I wanted to go with him and said ‘Please take me’, but he said 'No, go back where you came from and you need to go now, it is past time'. Then he put his hand to my cheek and the hand was cold. I went towards him and the trickle of water became wider and he retreated more, but I went on advancing and it was getting still wider until I understood that I must go, as I would never reach him. I turned around and went back.

The strange thing was that after only one-step back the water became a trickle again. Then the whispering that I could hear became clearer and it was my mother's voice, weeping. I don't know what happened then, only that I woke up the next day aching all over. I will never forget that day and never forget the feeling when he touched me and smiled at me for the last time.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: Noviembre del 2000

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function) I attempted suicide as I no longer wanted to live.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness Until the end when I became scared.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Until the end, when I felt cold and started to be scared because I knew I could not go further but I did not want to come back.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I felt that everything had stopped, and that I would never grow older, but stay as I was. Though I could not see my body, it continued as a kind of stain.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Everything looked clearer and seemed more real than our reality here.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Apart from hearing my grandfather and the sounds belonging to the place where we were, and at the end when (just as I was about to come back) I could hear weeping and my mother asking me not to leave her, and why did I do it.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I just remember that I was walking and that there was a lot of earth and stones. It was dark and as if I was blind, as I could only see vague outlines of things. I wanted to rest.

The experience included: Presence of deceased persons

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes My grandfather and I could also make out figures who were standing the other side, but I cannot remember their faces, only that of my grandfather.

The experience included: Darkness

The experience included: Light

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain I just remember that it got light gradually and that I began to distinguish shapes, and things were clearer as if my eyes had been dirtied and were washing themselves with tears.

The experience included: A landscape or city

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm El agua crecia cada que yo avanzaba y a donde yo queria llegar era un edificio que estaba en una loma yo intui que era algo asi como una especie de iglesia el entorno era claro limpio y daba seguridad y calma era algo asi como que el aire llevaba implicita la felicidad.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt peace being there, and then when my grandfather started to get further away I began to feel sadness because I wanted to stay.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I did not see my life but my grandfather let me know about things which were unknown to me, and he asked me to be calm and patient and above all, forgiving.

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future I was always aware of other things, and subsequently this increased. What happens now is that I have a presentiment about what is going to happen; or rather, I smell it in the air.

The experience included: Boundary

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes The limit was the water which never allowed me to get to the other side. Every time I tried to go towards it and cross it, I got tired and everything grew wider.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Moderate

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I was afraid, and I found out that we are not 'just here and when we die there is nothing', as there is something of ourselves, our essence, or energy, and this will never disappear.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I have changed in relationship to everything.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes It has just become more acute.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Everything had meaning.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it with my best friend.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I just knew that people saw a tunnel and the light.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I have always believed and felt that it was real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Yes, that it is the reason I continue to be here in this world.