At the time of my NDE, I was an incredibly depressed person who took my anger out on my dog and myself. I lived in squalor with my parents and siblings. I hated every waking moment of my life and thought about suicide every moment I could. I was sick of being a human, sick of war, sick of hatred, and sick of famine. But there was nothing I could do about it because I was a poor, dumb person who hated everything about life. I was not intelligent enough to leave my socioeconomic class. I even hated myself for being gay.
I was headed to bed and had hopped into my tattered sheets. I was lying down and I leaned up, out of bed to turn off my lamp at the power switch and laid back down. I was lying there for about 5 seconds before I realized that my heart was beating really fast.
There was a bright light in front of me, a ringing in my head and a buzz over my whole body. My entire life, from child to that present moment, was rushing behind my eyes. I couldn't cling to any memories but I knew it was the whole lot, just like a quick speed film reel. It had caught me off guard when I realized I was dying when I was halfway though my life recall. I thought to myself, 'Why am I experiencing this?' Then I drew the connection that I must have shocked myself when I turned off my lamp. I lay there thinking, 'Wow, I am going to die.' I saw that I would leave the entire planet and my family behind. There was no going back.
The ringing in my ears and the feeling I had was very familiar. I was shown in my life recall that I also electrocuted myself on an old heater when I was a child. The light tunnel pulled me in and I felt absolute comfort, love, oneness, and bliss. I felt no pain and no hatred. The feeling was love; PURE LOVE; real love.
I was outside the world and all its troubles but I was also still lying in there on the bed. I saw the tree of life and it's essence was pouring into the world. Instead of being claimed and floating 'home,' I was dangled above a pit of nothingness and void. I was shown what is worse than depression, where it was worse than hell, and because I would not exist anymore, my soul would be destroyed. It was the single most frightening thing I have ever experienced because at least in hell your soul would still exist. This pit of black nothingness would completely destroy my consciousness and I would forget my entirety, my everything. I would cease to exist even in spirit. I remember crying out, 'No! I still love, I still love!' even though I hated everything and everyone. I still had the capacity to love things. I was shown that how I was treating my dog was an atrocity. I would scold him and intimidate him with fear when he would chew on things or defecate on the floor or decking.
I was still buzzing and tried to get up out of bed to get help from my mother. I wasn't going to float away just yet. I would put one foot in-front of the other but the electrical signal that my mind was sending to my legs and feet was delayed by a few seconds. I clambered to her room and said, 'Mum I thing I think I may have electrocuted myself.' I collapsed into her room onto her bed. I kept having these visions. I saw the reincarnation wheel sucking me in and spitting me out like a giant magnetic ball of fire that attracted souls and shoved them into bodies/forms when they passed through. It was like a big sorting machine happening to thousands of souls all at once.
Then I became what Buddhists might call ZEN/enlightenment hearing thousands of monks singing OM. The sound was louder than a turbo jet flying overhead as it filled my consciousness. I was completely at peace with myself as I saw zigzag, black and white, patterns enveloping over itself. It was like an curtain enveloping itself endlessly, being content with absolute oneness. How I already knew how to get to this state, was an inner knowing that I/we all have access to, but then it faded. I have never been able to find that place in me since. If I could find that state at will, I probably would not want to still kill myself.
I was given a choice by some angels whether to stay on earth or go into the light. Even though I wanted to die every day, I chose to come back to the world thinking I could still help or do something good with my life. Being gay was irrelevant to the divine, by the way. I was about to be sucked up when my mother put her hand on my forehead. I saw a gilded crucifix on her palm and she stopped me from leaving.
After my event, I felt very selfish and wanted to live a life of minimalism. I wanted to get rid of all my items of clothing and almost everything I owned. I have never been mean to an animal since. While my NDE was an eye opener I still cannot comprehend how we as humans are all living like we do. It just doesn't make sense.
Date NDE Occurred: Spring 2014
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain. Accident. Heart attack. Life threatening event, but not clinical death.
I electrocuted myself.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
Did you feel separated from your body? No
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I felt like everything we ever need to know is inside us already. The NDE let me access this inner knowing and oneness, but it faded after the event.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? About 30 seconds following the shock
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
During the life recall, it was as if time had stopped just to show me the past and then started again after the recall was finished.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Wavy during the NDE.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Normal hearing, I did hear things inside my head that nobody else could hear though.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
The experience included: Tunnel
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes It was as an Alex Grey painting called 'Vision Crystal'
Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, Bliss, Oneness but also Fear of the nothing
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? No
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I just knew everything I ever wanted or needed to know about life and the universe and saw that it was accessible to us all as an inherent knowledge of everything that it was already inside us. But have not been able to access it since the NDE.
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I saw my entire life as a child and up until the present moment of the NDE in a flash/film reel, that seemed to ignore time.
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes As I was just about to leave my body, before my mother put her hand on my forehead, I think I may have seen an object, wall, or structure at the end of the journey if I had of left my body. It was sort of like Greek pillars. But I never got there; I just saw them from a 'distance'.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life I was given the choice or moreover I asked to come back - I think I was communicating with some angels. I thought I could try to help. In hindsight, I wish I had just left then and there.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Slightly important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Other or several faiths I believe even before my NDE that all faiths are trying to communicate the same thing, the same forces, the same message, although they have been corrupted from the core stories to have a political agenda and swayed cultural opinions which only seems to aid the in separation of all peoples and societal control.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I pray now, whereby, I never prayed before.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? No comment After my NDE I have no faith that can be restricted to a denomination.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I was shown that the tree of life, angelic presences, reincarnation, zen. I have an eclectic spirituality and I was shown so many mix matched things from different religions/beliefs but it was very consistent with what I was inclined to believe.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I believe that death is not the end, whereas before I was uncertain that there was anything after life.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I heard a voice I could not identify It was not a voice that seemed to be able to speak like you or I do, but it seemed to communicate with words, images, and feelings.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes I may have sensed Buddha I did not see him but it was during the Zen part of the NDE and I was Buddha aswell and all was Buddha.
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes There is a oneness that is possible.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God probably exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? I am uncertain if God exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain That all-knowing is possible.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife probably does not exist
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Uncertain I know it doesn't just stop, there is something after life but I am not sure what it is, whether it is life or some form of existence it was not clear.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I moderately feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I slightly fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Not compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Love is 'home' or when you leave here there is nothing but love.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Slightly compassionate toward others
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I do not want to get too attached to people in my life.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. It was just so vivid and intense that I remember it better than what was happening at the time in my life.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I just seem to be able to know a person, without even having to talk to them. I get strong feelings in my gut about a person and just know if they are good-natured or selfish/greedy.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The part where it was communicated to me that all knowledge we ever need to know is already within us.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes It was about 6 months before I shared it with someone who also had had a NDE and we compared our experiences.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It was incredibly vivid and I still felt put off by it. Like I was living life for a reason.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was probably real I do not know if it was real or it was just a construct of my brain to ease me into death and it could be an illusion or a trap.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I think if everyone had a NDE then the world would not be in such a negative way and there would not be as much greed.