I was in a horribly abusive marriage that I didn't know how to escape from. He mentioned something about 'til death do us part' one night, and it gave me an idea. I locked myself in the bathroom and swallowed one pill at a time until I had downed two bottles of sleeping pills. Things got really fuzzy really fast. I figured I would go to sleep and it would be over, but as soon as I fell asleep, I just rose out of my body. My mother somehow knew something was happening from forty-five miles away, and she called 911. Amazingly, they believed her and sent out an ambulance. I remember watching my then husband look at me, not breathing, and walk out the door. He got in his truck and drove away. I could hear his thoughts about how angry he was at me for 'doing this to him'.
I watched the paramedics start my heart beating, and the room went fuzzy. I have a brief memory of being in my body again, and then I was floating. Once we reached the hospital, I phased in and out of my body, mostly floating in a blissful void, where I couldn't feel any pain. I heard a voice that said simply, 'wake up, wake up now' and felt an excruciating, stabbing pain in my chest. I watched, from my body, a needle coming out of my chest, and realized they had shot adrenaline into my heart and started it again. The rest of the night was spent listening to that voice telling me to wake up.
I hallucinated for weeks afterward. I saw dead people, and they would follow me. They told me I didn't belong among the living, that I should have stayed with them.
I still see them sometimes, whenever I'm sleep deprived, I see and hear the same things - you shouldn't be breathing, you belong with us.
I feel like I carry a piece of death around with me, like I'm not really alive. I'm just pretending to live, the walking dead.
I've become obsessed with death and the idea of the undead because I feel like I'm one of them.
There are times I want to go back. It's comforting knowing someday I'll be there. I sometimes feel trapped here, in this body and this life, and the only reason I hold on is because I feel my kids need me.
Even when everything is happy in my life, there is always something missing. It's like my life is really someone else's, or it's not supposed to be happening.
Date NDE Occurred: 7/14/00
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
Suicide attempt, overdose.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I saw my body and watched the paramedics reviving me. I could hear every sound and see every movement in great detail, like it was all in slow motion.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time seemed to not exist. I'd see something in slow motion, and then suddenly it would speed up, and I'd be transported to another event a few minutes later.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I saw everything very clearly just after my heart stopped. When the paramedics got a heartbeat, everything went fuzzy and I felt a little like I was on a boat, rocking in the water.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard absolutely no background noise, just voices and the sounds the paramedics made when they were moving their equipment.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes There was a male voice that kept repeating 'wake up' or 'stay awake'. After a while, he started to tell me things like 'if you let yourself fall asleep again, you won't wake up' and 'open your eyes'.
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes It seemed like there was a light behind me, illuminating everything I saw. I never turned around to look at it.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt absolutely nothing when I moved outside of my body in the apartment. After my heart stopped the second time, I just felt like I was in a comfortable void, at peace. I felt relieved and calm. I did NOT want to go back in my body.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Later on, I started having 'flash-forwards' - I see things that haven't happened before. They usually follow a pattern of where I can find happiness, but sometimes, they warn me of intense pain I will experience.
I saw both of my children months before they were born, and have had flashes moments before car accidents, falls, and anything resulting in injury - mine or my kids'.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes My view on life, religion and God changed drastically. I don't have a newfound belief in God or the meaning of life. I just feel like I don't belong here. I'm borrowing this time to accomplish - something. I'm still trying to find out why I'm still here; maybe to raise my kids, because they will be important in this world; maybe because I have a purpose I haven't reached yet - I don't know.
What is your religion now? Liberal
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes My view on life, religion and God changed drastically. I don't have a newfound belief in God or the meaning of life. I just feel like I don't belong here. I'm borrowing this time to accomplish - something. I'm still trying to find out why I'm still here; maybe to raise my kids, because they will be important in this world; maybe because I have a purpose I haven't reached yet - I don't know.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes It is more difficult to find people to connect to because no one understands - no one has been there.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Things seemed to happen all at once, without a linear timeline.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes The flash forwards began a few weeks after. I also have an uncanny ability to sense when people close to me are hurt, or when they are about to call me or come over.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Everyone thought I was insane for months. I hallucinated so severely for so long afterward that even I questioned reality.
I couldn't talk about any of my feelings for years because every time I started to say something, I was told 'let's not go there' or 'you shouldn't bring that up'.
No one seems to want to discuss any of it with me because they don't believe I should remember being dead with such fondness.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Surgery - the anesthetics reproduced the exact same experience.