I was in agony. As I was trying very hard to sleep to get away from the pain, I simply noticed a weird silence. It seemed to take me a while to realize that I could no longer hear my heart beating. It was SO quiet. Then I was suddenly near the roof of my room gazing down on my body with total disregard. There was no fear, pain, or feelings to speak of at all, except a sort of surprise or wonder. Then I recognized me. But I remember not really caring one way or the other. In the next instant, I was somewhere entirely different. I seemed to be suspended in space if you can imagine - with my back against a wall - or actually a perfectly parallel plane that went everywhere. (I couldn't discern an ending to it in its own planar dimension in any of the four directions I could easily observe.) I couldn't seem to move. The wall was not exactly 'white' but it was more the color of ice. It seemed to be very smooth and impenetrable.
I sensed that there were 'things to be seen' if I were to turn and look into this wall. I tried three times. Each time a hand on my right shoulder from my back stopped me firmly but not painfully. In fact, it was then and only then, that I realized that for the first time in years, I had zero pain. There was no anxiety, or depression. There was this almost 'disconnected' sense of peace. I actually liked being there. Then suddenly I saw my two young daughters, and I remember thinking 'they still need me'. It was so odd. Then suddenly all that pain came back with vengeance. At first, I felt anger to be back. But I couldn't do anything at all about it. So I just had to accept the situation.
After getting many electrolytes back into my system I felt a bit stronger though the pain never let up. It took several weeks to get to a point where I knew I was going to live past that illness. Ever since then I seem to write a ton of poetry - about anything I want to etc. I never seem to experience any 'blocks' etc. But I used to write a little as a kid - nothing like now though. I did have to tell my pain management doctor to change his question used to evaluate pain. 'On a scale of one to ten where ten is death - where is your pain?' he used to say. Now he just asks me where I would put the number, and I imagine a horrible pain. Apparently, it actually doesn't hurt us when we die. Perhaps the brain blocks immediately.
But I would like to know whose hand was upon my shoulder, of course I could theorize, but as a scientist, I cannot truly say. My faith tells me it was a loving hand. That's all I seem to need to know at this point. No person could ever convince me that God is not real. Not now. I've seen too many things before and since. Still, the experience was very weird - and impossible to prove. I suffered no apparent physical damage of a permanent nature. Since then I have had to put some early experiences with what I always thought were nightmares, into a wider path of speculation, but that's a whole different area of research. I only told a few people.
Date NDE Occurred: March of 2002.
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Illness Clinical death I was EXTREMELY weak, barely able to walk at times.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain I could not tell whether I had a body or not.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? It all felt completely REAL and concrete.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Time seemed to stop.
Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? I remember zero auditory sounds except at the beginning and at the end. (Heartbeat.)
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain Someone or something touched me.
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Already explained. A wall of light - like the color of ice.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm That place was like being in outer space - pressed against a wall of light. Incredible really.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No Not that I can recall to any specificity.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Just felt that my girls needed me to live.
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes Like I said - I couldn't cross it - tried three times by turning to my right. Prevented three times in exactly the same way - never tried 'harder' for some reason.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I had ZERO control of when things 'happened'.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate I have always been a believer in God.
What is your religion now? Moderate It did not change my views, but it did astonish me.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I have never been afraid of death. But I was always afraid of dying. (The process seems so awful.) I no longer fear that change.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain Just write a LOT.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Best was when I realized I was out of pain! Worst was when it all came back.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes VERY FEW. There are too many people who just don't want to hear about it.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? No, I have covered everything I can remember.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Excellent form. No need for a narrative.