I was three years old. I was sitting in the back seat of my dad's car and he was driving down the road. I was just sitting there, minding my own business when these hands pulled my soul out of my body. I was high in the sky and Jesus was there next to me. Suddenly I heard this very deep, pulsating vibration, it was spooky, but somehow I sensed that God was somewhere out there. I told Jesus I didn't want to stay and talk, I needed to find the source of the vibration. Jesus wouldn't let me go and explore. Instead, He was telling me things. He said that the next several years of my life would be horrible. He was preparing me for what was coming up. He gave me advice. I don't remember anything He said, except pretty much that life would be Hell.
My parents belonged to a cult and were also Mormon. I was tortured and abused beyond belief, and developed seizures. I was sitting in church with my mom, grandma and sisters and my eldest sister began kicking me. I felt intense anger and then had a seizure. My body flopped around on the chair and fell to the floor. My grandma and mother were embarrassed, thinking I was acting up. Suddenly, I found myself in a dark place and two beings of very white light, one male; one female came and held me in their arms. It was the first time in my life I had ever experienced love. They held me for a very long time. They told me that God is love, something I had no knowledge of. I feel like they were my true parents, my spiritual parents. I was so confused, what is this love, who is this God you are talking about. I didn't want to come back, they told me I had too. This experience was so special to me; it helped me throughout my life.
My uncle was a sadist and tortured me, many times to the point of death. Once, the fear and pain were so intense and I went into the most beautiful realm of shapes and colors. It was unbelievable. I know that when children are being tortured, God is there with them. He takes their souls out of their bodies and takes them into the most beautiful realms anyone could imagine. God does not abandon abused and murdered children. He gives them more love than anyone would ever believe. The child only is allowed to feel a little bit of terror and then God embraces them and takes them to absolute beauty. Children are God's masterpiece. I think He loves them the most.
Date NDE Occurred: '1965, 1966, 1967'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident Other 'seizure, don't know if it was life threatening'
I developed seizures in my childhood due to intense and horrifying abuse.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? These experiences were kind of confusing. I think that the longer I was away from my body, the more understanding I received.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. When my uncle was torturing me, the colors and intense beauty were beyond comprehension; it was as if I were inside the Creative Mind of God.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. There is a vibration that resonates in the universe, I think it is God.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The two beings were bright white lights.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm God is creative. Where He took me was beyond comprehension, beauty.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? When Jesus talked to me, I didn't seem to feel any emotion. When the two beings of light held me, I felt love beyond belief. When my uncle tortured me and I was with God, I felt EUPHORIA.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control How much I want love, need love.
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future I was told about how hard things were going to be, but I wasn't given details. I was told how to deal with it. Don't remember what I was supposed to do. Am in so much pain that I'm thinking I may not have listened to Jesus well enough, should have listened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist Mormon
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes Studied a lot of metaphysics, religion, and philosophy. Think a good song or piece of music leads me to God. Children amuse me and delight me. I like children and teenagers.
What is your religion now? Liberal
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Studied a lot of metaphysics, religion, and philosophy. Think a good song or piece of music leads me to God. Children amuse me and delight me. I like children and teenagers.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes This world can be so hard, I mean hard, that to be told that God is love and to feel it, seems like a huge paradox.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Lately I feel disconnected from people. I am in a state of shock about all the abuse. Feel like walking away from the world and saying, CRAP. People treat each other like crap. Do lots of spiritual praying for children of this planet. Also, I pray for countries like Africa. I am kind of an outcast. Belief that God is love is my strength.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The absolute love given to me.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I could feel other people's feelings. It hurt. It was too scary, so I shut down my emotions. If I had had one loving emotionally healthy person in my childhood, I would probably have been able to help people with specific emotions that created pain in them. Emotional healing is the hardest thing for humans to experience. I believe that healing emotions brings us closer to God. Most religions don't even address deep pain, emotional wounds, and how to process them. I think religion needs to do this, without labeling a person a weirdo for having emotionally painful stuff. I think people use religion as a Band-Aid for pain. I want the pain removed, I don't want Band-Aids.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The most meaningful was the two beings of light holding me and giving me love. That created this lifelong pursuit to learn about love.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it during the past couple of years. No one thinks it's a big deal.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I began to believe that God is love, even though I never saw any in the people who raised me. I began to believe that God was not punishing, but then the abuse got so bad that I began to believe in punishment, and that God would punish me, just like the others were.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real On an emotional and psychological level, my life was hell. These experiences help give me hope that what I struggle with isn't in vain.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No