The year is circa 1973 - 1974. I am a young girl undergoing training in film and television and have completed several student films. But this has not been a good year for me. A film I participated in called 'Out of Nothing' has left deep emotional scars.
I am in the operating room of a small private hospital. On the operating table, I stare without emotion at the wall facing me. There is a black and white photograph of an old man. I imagine he is the founder of the hospital. I am reassured, administered anesthesia through a mask and rapidly begin to disassociate from my physical senses.
I was plunging rapidly into my body. I felt I was getting entombed. I was falling into myself and into an inner, ever expanding, deep darkness. The normal sense of time, place and space became non-existent. After I had been in this engulfing darkness for what seemed to be a very long time, I suddenly became aware that I was on some sort of horizontal escalator or a conveyor belt, that was moving incredibly fast almost at the speed of light or greater, intentionally taking me somewhere. I felt I had traversed millions of years and millions of miles. At some point during this journey, I became aware that I was traveling in a pitch black tunnel. This moving through the tunnel went on for quite some time, almost an eternity.
Then all of a sudden, I was approaching an amazing, truly indescribable white shining, light. This light was scintillating, every particle of it alive and full of the purest, highest love. It was tantalizing, brilliant, beautiful, living and moving. This light was at the end of the tunnel or by its very presence ended the tunnel. As I came closer, still moving at the incredible speed, I began to feel a mounting sense of exhilarating anticipation. I felt I was approaching a truly great, magnanimous, magnificent and beneficial event. In complete clarity, I thought and felt, 'This is what I have been waiting for all my life, this is what had been missing all along, this is why no event, no relationship, no possession, no achievement, no desire hankered after or possessed had ever felt complete. This is the reason why I have never felt fulfilled.' Every bit of me desired to completely go into this living light and these thought-feelings (both one here) seemed to add an additional momentum to the escalator's speed. I sped to the Light but at the very moment of union, I heard a loud, sonorous, authoritative, masculine voice, coming into me from all directions ask, 'Are you ready to die?'
When I heard this, everything came to a stop. I was completely aghast. I was, and had been, totally ignorant that reaching, meeting and going into this 'beyond everything else' and 'all knowing light', astonishingly meant my death! I felt betrayed. Then, filled with great fear in my thinking and responding (both occur simultaneously here), I quiveringly asked, 'Why must I die?' Instantaneously the Voice replied, 'You must die, because you have failed to do what you promised us.' (No wiggle room here. My death was imminent.) Confused and frightened, I fell to my hands and knees (metaphorically speaking), and began begging for my life. I begged like I have never begged before. Groveling like a worm beseeching a human not to stamp on it, I implored, 'I don't remember what I promised, and I don't know why I must die. Please give me another chance. I don't remember what I promised!' The Voice answered. 'You promised us that you would help others. You have failed to do this, therefore you must die.' At this point, I was begging in a manner, which could be equated to convulsive crying from my deepest depths. I had no idea what promise the Voice was confronting me with, but deep inside me, I knew that the Voice knew more about me than I did and that it was behaving justly; I was getting exactly what I deserved).
After hearing my desperate pleas and acknowledging my sincerity, the Voice, with a gesture of benevolence (like a sweeping motion of a hand in gushing wind) announced, 'You have a second chance.'
Everything was still very dark; accept for the presence of the Light. Then the Voice changed its judge-like manner and became instead, a teacher. Still very just and awesome but now, much kinder. What followed was even more mind-blowing.
I found myself suspended and moving in a pitch dark, empty, endless cosmic space (no escalator this time!). I was just a tiny dot of consciousness. I had no remembrances other than that I was an 'I'. The only ground (metaphor) to hang on to was my 'I'. I was getting smaller and smaller until I became an even smaller 'I'. There were no reference points, no up, no down, no right, and no left. Just my concentrated essence, my 'I' that had been falling into and onto itself and becoming smaller and smaller. I became aware that there were a multitude (infinite) of other 'I's around me, like stars studding the sky. They were 'I's; 'Ego's'. These 'All Seeing Eyes' were scrutinizing me. 'They' who are the One Voice (the voice that had been communicating with me all along) began to tell me things. They transmit, convey, and tell. 'They' as the One Voice, with a finger (metaphor) drew a white, brilliant, fluorescent, living plasma-like, and palpable-light graphic in the darkness. This was a circle. Its entire circumference moved in a clockwise manner. Then arrows were drawn on the circumference to show me the direction of movement. I then heard the following, 'In the beginning was The Word, and The Word was with GOD, and The Word was GOD. The Word made all things. Humanity cannot understand The Word. The Word is always (seeking) chasing after humanity and humanity is always chasing The Word (seeking). This is the way it was, this is the way it is, this is the way it shall ever be'.
The finality and truth of this sacred communication, naturally and instantaneously dissolved my every barrier to humbleness, and, apprehending the circle, I was spontaneously made part of a dynamic living cosmic revelation. I was placed in THE WORD. It is difficult to fully describe this immersion for what it was in actuality. Adjectives and descriptions herein are only feeble attempts.
I was in, and surrounded by The Word. I was made an integral part of it but I was not 'absorbed' into The Word for I fully retained my awareness as a separate I. The Word is a supremely alive, charged, scintillating, dynamic, exquisite and eternal flowing of fine living particles. The Word is true wisdom, true knowledge, eternal truth, all pervasive, all knowing, everywhere, in all, outside all, all powerful, complete, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is that in which everything has its origin, its life and its return. But nobody can go beyond the Word because there is a permeable membrane, a force-field like barrier and through its pores (not a metaphor) oozes out this subtle, but most substantial holy, sacred, pure, dynamic ceaselessly-in-motion energized particles. These particles are both homogeneous and heterogeneous, fully self-sustaining and all-sustaining truth-wisdom substance; a substance which is the be-all and end-all of all that is possible for all beings, animate or inanimate. This is not figurative substance, but literally 'substance'. It has 'being-ness'. It is a BEING. Naturally, this substance is not at all the material substance that we all know of ordinarily, yet it is related to it in a (some) extremely remote sense. It's some sort of living force made up of the above described lively and living particles. It is the basis of all other substances and forces as we experience them in ordinary daily consciousness. It penetrates and reverberates in all.
As I was experiencing this profundity, I began to have a strange feeling of claustrophobia. I felt irrevocably enclosed; I wanted to break through this thing-in-itself, the all-encompassing Word. I felt deep within me that there is something else and I must go to it. I was drawn to The Word's cosmic boundary. Boundary, not as a metaphor but as it actually felt and showed itself to me. It is truly a boundary. I tried to go through it but was unable to. Then 'They' as the 'One Voice' told me that no one can cross this boundary, except that which emanates through it; The Word.
Being in The Word was discombobulating and anti-climactic, yet The Word is complete, just and fully integrated, full of reason, logic, wisdom, the container-holder of past, present and future, the all-sensible, all knowing in its every particle. I believe that the Logos substance is the actual substance of the 'Other'. The 'Other' is the rest of the Logos or some superior and/or different part of it that is on the other side of the boundary. I experienced this entire event in a unique state of timelessness where the Past, Present and Future are one. I was told that I had made a promise to the spiritual world, which I had failed to keep. I was told that my purpose on Earth is to help others. I was also shown my previous incarnation on Earth in great detail. I was told that I had to regain what I have spiritually lost; that which is known as Samadhi consciousness. I have also been told explicitly how I am to help others; however, this is not an easy thing to do.
Afterwards, I fuzzily saw several beings in white robes with blurred halos surrounding me. I had died and gone to heaven. 'Are you angels?' I asked. Soft giggles. The blurring cleared and I saw smiling, relieved human faces. One of the docs says, 'You gave us quite a scare. We almost lost you.'
The operation had taken no more than an hour and a half, but to me it felt like I was gone for billions of years to a place trillions of miles away.
Date NDE Occurred: 1973-1974 and an experience in 1976
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Surgery-related '1973-1974 event was a near accidental drowning. 1976- surgery' Life threatening event, but not clinical death 'Life threatening, very near clinical death. (1973-1974 event) Life threatening event (Near Drowning) 1976'
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I lost awareness of my body
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm yes.
VERY STRANGE. very different from earth. Very distinctive. The geometry of this dimension is unusual, i.e not like earthly geometry.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What is your religion now? Liberal
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Have you ever shared this experience with others? No
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No