I had been on a 6 month binge of drinking and drugging. I had hyperthyroidism at the time but was being treated for depression. I could metabolize large amounts of just about anything with no serious side effects. I held two jobs and was a high functioning addict. I had not slept in a couple days and was drinking heavily. I could get drunk 3 to 4 times a day and sober up in 2 hours. I felt nauseated that night and went to bed. My heart was beating very irregularly and then I felt like it exploded.
I observed my body as if I was floating above it. I then found myself at the edge of what seemed like a black amphitheater looking out across the universe. There was a vortex of white fire spiraling through space. It was a beautiful sight and looked very much like the electricity coming from a nuclear power generator. There were voices calling me to join this energy. Some voices were familiar, but most were not. I looked at the energy and said firmly, 'NO! I want my own.' No sooner had I thought it, a very slim pillar of white fire appeared a distance from the large one. I said with satisfaction, 'That is mine.' I heard, or thought, a voice that said, 'It is not your time; you may remain if you wish though.' I thought through my life and wanted to stay, but then I thought about my daughter who was 8 at the time. She needed me.
The next thing I could see was my girlfriend beating the hell out of me and swearing at me for dying in her bed. I wanted to smack her because what she was doing had to hurt, even though I couldn't feel it. I tried to lift my arms to protect myself but found I couldn't do it. I tilted my head onto my chest and saw my body covered in purple and black splotches all the way down to my legs. My partner said that I had stopped breathing for 15 minutes. It took me 3 or 4 hours before I could walk and several weeks for the bruising to go away. I saw my doctor the next day. He told me he didn't want to hear it anymore; that I should not be alive. I tried to forget the experience and get on with being an idiot, but I could not drink or do drugs after that moment. After some serious soul-searching I have led an examined life since that day.
Date NDE Occurred: july28/89
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Drug or medication overdose. Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
How do you consider the content of your experience? Neither pleasant NOR distressing
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I spent most of time doing my best to remain unconscious through alcohol and drugs.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? In the void
Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
I felt like I was there a very long time yet it seemed timeless. I did not feel rushed or speedy.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was like being stripped of my human encumbrances and the part of me that has always been there emerged fully and completely.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Hearing seemed internal
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Standing on the precipice of the universe, I felt I must have gotten there somehow but do not recall.
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No The voices were coming from the vortex of light. They were very compelling and I felt myself being swayed by them. That's when I became suspicious and rebuked them. I did not hear them after that choice was made.
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The energy vortex was like white fire: very bright and seemed infinite.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Ambivalence towards mortality and revulsion at the large energy vortex
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No
Did you have a feeling of joy? No
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others I knew that if I did not stay that I had a lot of work to do.
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? I remembered many past events I remembered many past events.
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes The precipice of the amphitheater was a boundary of sorts. It was like a staging ground for whatever decision I would make.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will My daughter was the only reason I chose not to stay.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Slightly important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Secular unaffiliated
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I completely jettisoned the cage of Judeo-Christian moral leprosy and began a journey that would take me to the heights of isolated intelligence and self-centric philosophical inquiry.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other or several faiths Setian
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I was exposed to religion very young and held a belief in god for a long time but had let that wane. I did not expect what I saw, it was more real than I could have imagined, it was very personal in that i was the sole decision maker and my inner voice was one I had heard before and listened to on a few occasions and it saved my ass but rarely heard often.This was like being totally my real Self.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I completely shed all religious teachings and became an avid student of philosophy/religion anthropology, the more refined aspects of the occult especially antinomian spiritual dissent.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I heard a voice I could not identify I felt strongly then, and still do, that voice that said I could stay was my own but one to which I had rarely listened.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No but I feel like I've been here forever.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes and I want no part in it.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God probably exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes there is no god. we are god.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God does not exist
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Take care of my daughter, which did not work out well but I did it anyway and became the best force of life I could become.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I knew instantly that I could stop being a stupid human any time I chose and that I could know myself as a realized force of life.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? I was uncertain if an afterlife exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes when i created my own "light energy vortex" I knew intimately that I could return to it.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I greatly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Moderately fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Stay away from herd mentality and religious fuckers, be self responsible and accountable-own your actions in this life.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes I am capable of handling anything. My life has been overflowing with tragic experience yet I am still sane and very much whole. Physical being is difficult- deal with it and it will pass, fuse your self to it and it will take you to whatever hell you believe exists.
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes for my daughter-unbelievable connection but not "love" I Knew her spirit and could see her in her totality.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life…well, it changed everything didn't it. I am no longer attached to this life or the material world in any way whatsoever. I have educated myself to a level I never dreamed possible and I live very well, I teach and learn daily and have a full experience of being. I treat Life with a lot more respect and do not harm living beings. Large changes in my life…well, it changed everything didn't it. I am no longer attached to this life or the material world in any way whatsoever. I have educated myself to a level I never dreamed possible and I live very well, I teach and learn daily and have a full experience of being. I treat Life with a lot more respect and do not harm living beings.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I do not engage in unhealthy relationships on any level with any human.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Choosing my own light the best decision I have ever made.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? No
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It had changed something fundamental within me. I could not engage in frivolous activity any longer and it really pi$$ed me off at first but I gradually came to understand that. Yes, I was now a different being and shut my mouth and got on with it.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Personally it was a confirmation that if I want to become something in this and the next life, I have to create here and now. The experience itself is nothing; lots of people do the same thing without having to die to do it. I just was lucky is all.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes The inner voice is much more frequent and clear.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Not really, I just saw this questionnaire and thought what the hell, maybe someone will get something from this, and I know I did.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Belief creates reality because we are creator-beings. That’s all there is to it. You are doing a survey for some reason, perhaps to help people understand their experiences? The truth is the real work of being human is to become fully aware of what you are, there's not a lot of interest in the world for that kind of thing these days, and as soon as most folks realize how much work that is and how many of their pet beliefs are going to die they run away with their fingers in their ears or kill another infidel or what have you.