I was rushed to hospital at 4:00 am with massive pain, really aggressive pain. In the hospital emergency room, they tried to work out what was happening. While there, I ruptured. While blood was rupturing inside me, my body went berserk. I urinated and (well how to you say it -- emptied my bowels!), vomited all the time with excruciating pain, as if I was being disemboweled or something like it I guess. I could hear my own voice yelling out and making a joke like, 'Okay God I get the point - it hurts!!' But the pain was inescapable, really scary, awful, upsetting. As my abdomen filled with blood crushing my lungs, my blood pressure dropped and the nurse quickly put saline or some fluid into my system via a drip. Everything was rushed and panicky. They slapped my face and said, 'Stay with us.' The pain was intense. I thought, 'What a crappy way to die.'
Then my mind took me on a pain journey -- away from the bad stuff. I stood in a huge brown paddock all alone. My only company was a monster (the pain) it was a man in black cloths but not with a human head, with a bull's head. I guess pain was my only company. This was separate to my NDE (I think!).
My NDE was pleasant. The staff rushed me into surgery. My NDE consisted of rushing very fast through a dark tunnel. I couldn't see the walls but felt I was bouncing off them rushing fast. I was not in my body but it felt like it was my eyes or my vision (my life force) racing through this tunnel. There was no language, no barriers. My life and who loved me or hated me disappeared. It was just my life force holding on and racing somewhere. I felt like I was being pulled back and slowed down. There were many lights up ahead. Bluish with brightness around each one. There was a definite boundary between them and me. They loved me absolutely and completely, they accepted me, knowing all the good and bad. They knew everything about me. They wanted me to come. I felt total utter protection and love -- for a short while. There were no words exchanged I just knew. I wanted to go with them. Despite the fact I am a devoted mother, nothing else seemed to exist just my life force and these other life forces.
I felt like I 'clenched my body' the next thing I knew I opened my left eye and immediately knew I was back and I was alive. I was in the recovery ward. A week later, I was at home sitting in the dark in my mountain home, my husband a children really relieved. But I felt so alone.
I missed those life forces and still do. Because of my experience and the glimpse I had into understanding life and death, this isolated me from those around me. I know this sounds mad, but I felt the trees and sunshine had more in common with me than my husband. For almost a year I have felt like I've been floating caught up in the ceiling!
Date NDE Occurred: 2 October 1998
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes AccidentChildbirth Ruptured ectopic pregnancy Life threatening event, but not clinical death
Ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Loss of two and half liters of blood (I'm not sure what that is in pints) but about forty-five percent of my blood. Also the blood was in my abdomen and was crushing my lungs, so I couldn't breathe. The volume of blood also crushed by central nervous system for a while so I couldn't move my head or arms.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Racing through a dark tunnel. I had no bodily form but I was looking only forwards. I raced SO FAST I had no body, no language, nothing it was just essentially me -- my life force.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Alert and aware right up until surgery. Except my mind did seem to take me away prior to that to escape the pain (before they gave me morphine).
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time seemed to not exist as I used to know it. It sees now that time was just an earthly concept.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes The tunnel seemed round. I couldn't see the boundaries but knew they were there. Like falling -- but horizontally and travelling very fast.
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes A group of blue lights at the end. There was brightness around each one and they moved. I felt they knew everything about me, not what I looked like in my life, but who I was.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm There seemed to be a distinct border. If I crossed, I would join them. It looked and felt quite beautiful and I still get emotional thinking about it alone in my own time.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Exhilaration racing forwards. Then utter peace as I slowed down. Total and utter acceptance of me by other life forces. Complete love and safety -- these words are hopeless but convey something of what it was like.
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I felt I could know everything if I joined them.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes The boundary was unseen but I knew it was there. I wanted to join them and they wanted me to come. I just knew I would be like them and have total knowledge and acceptance of more things than I can possibly describe.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No No I don't think so; I was just alive in the wards later on.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate Basically a protestant upbringing. Basic belief in a God
What is your religion now? Liberal Acceptance and respect for others views. I suppose the Buddhist belief system is logical to me following my NDE
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes That all life is important. The spiders, the trees, the people. An understanding of the brutality of nature and I am far more accepting now of many people and lifestyles that I would never have before. Spiritual belief is strong but I have avoided Christianity. I suppose there is a hunger to understand many different views and perspectives. I swear a lot more now too.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Firstly, to explain it to others was a concern because I thought they would think I was mad. I knew I wasn't but the feeling that I couldn't EXPRESS IT made me question my sanity. (Does that make sense?) In simple terms though, plain English words did not adequately convey the depth of emotion during the NDE
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes ESP. I'm a complete skeptic but I do have it -- when people now talk to me and they feel something I know what they are about to say. It's like they are actually telling me in words without making a sound Occasionally I tell them and people are amazed. I tend not to verbalize it. I know it's true -- it's pointless trying to explain it to those around me.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Coming back to life was the best as I have seen my children grow and laugh and love and survive their parents' ups and downs. The best was also just the experience -- it has given me such insight I am truly blessed to have come back. The worst part was the pain and not being understood by those closest to me.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes With work-mates, and close friends have been very curious. One host on a medical show said I should get counseling. I eventually did. It has been really helpful.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes After hospital I was lying in my own bed sleeping sort of and did see a white light but there was nothing emotional about it. I had been on pethadine, morphine, general anesthetic and drugs to stop infection.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Nothing that the English language can express.