Experience Description

I took a large dose of a dissociative anesthetic I had been abusing for a few weeks, in a half-assed suicide attempt. I was very depressed at the time. I was online for the first half of the experience, trying to talk on instant messenger. As time wore on, I was less and less able to communicate. I was so disoriented my typed words came out as a jumble of letters with an occasional intelligible word thrown in here and there. As the minutes passed I became less and less interested in being online and spent more and more time puking. I started to notice a ringing tone in my ears, which eventually got so loud I couldn't hear anything else. I've heard other people who were definitely near death speak of hearing a tone or ringing in their ears so that makes me think I was actually close to death. Eventually I puked up everything in my stomach (though it had been hours since I took the drug so it was already in my system) and decided to lay down to die. I crawled over to the bed and collapsed in a heap.

Some time passed and eventually I found myself in a bright tunnel travelling very fast. I was at least vaguely aware of the NDE phenomenon so I realized I must be dying. At first, I was upset, realizing that I had succeeded and starting worrying about the people left behind. As I travelled down the tunnel, I felt these fears stripped away from me one by one.

Eventually the tunnel let out onto a platform with a marble floor. There were various people milling about in grey hooded robes. One of them came up to me and introduced himself as my guided. The architecture of the place I was very Greek in style with columns and such. I don't believe it was heaven OR hell.

Around this point, my emotional situation took a turn for the worst. I felt a very strong feeling of depression or failure or something along those lines. This persisted throughout the experience. This is just an interpretation based on subsequent studies of NDEs but I think it probably had to do with the way I got there (suicide attempt) and the fact that I hadn't completed my mission.

I don't really remember a lot of what happened next, but I know at one point I visited a site of some special significance. There was a large circle of some type, and I stepped inside it I could feel the love of God radiating into my body. It was somewhat impersonal in that I had no actual communication with God, just the feeling of warm love.

There was only a small, event after that, that I can remember, which involved contact with a deceased family member, which I will not recount here.

I don't remember returning to my body. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been hit by a train.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: July 2000

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Suicide attempt Life threatening event, but not clinical death Uncertain of how close to death I was.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Did not look at myself, so unknown.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Beforehand, very confused. Once I was in the tunnel my thoughts were clearer than they had ever been.

Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? Just the tone before I passed out on the bed.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes Very bright tunnel.

The experience included: Presence of deceased persons

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Various grey robed humans, the only one I talked to was my guide. Didn't recognize any of them.

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The tunnel was very brightly lit, yes. Otherwise, no.

The experience included: A landscape or city

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The place I was in wasn't heaven, but it wasn't bad looking at all (nice marble floors, towering white columns, etc.).

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control If I did, I don't remember it.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What is your religion now? Liberal Quaker

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Started believing in God and seeking out a liberal religious group to belong to.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I've had a few mystical experiences recently.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The best part was the fact that it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The worst part was the feeling of depression/failure that went along with it.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared this experience on the NDE list on 'Yahoo Groups'.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes The mystical experiences were similar in that they weren't like anything I had experienced prior to the NDE, but without the negative feelings that went along with the NDE.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I wish I remembered more of it.