I have no direct recall of the death during the surgery, but afterwards while recovering in the hospital ward I was haunted by an image and memory that I tried to capture in a drawing with color crayons. I tried to draw a tunnel of light that was colorful. I knew with certainty that I could not take my body through the tunnel. I called the ‘place’ I had experience ‘home’ and was homesick for the next twenty years. Even though I was very young, I remember very clearly looking at my hands and feeling that my body was strange to me, compared to the expanded peace and being awake that I felt myself to be.
When it was time to be taken home after lengthy recovery. I recall my mother driving us to our house and feeling sad that this house was not my real home.
I was left with deep questions, a passion for seeking wisdom and truth. I was a very shy introverted child. Intuitive skills surfaced at about the age of seven and have remained a source of strength and guidance my entire life.
My homesickness turned into suicidal feelings at thirteen, but the same presence of ‘home’ comforted me and I dedicated my life to the pursuit of wisdom. The homesick longing eventually lifted in my twenties when I was able to use my intuition to feel and know that ‘home’ was not some other place, but was right here right now, like another radio station away. This realization and many subsequent realizations have left me as a deeply content, happy and spiritually awake person.
Date NDE Occurred: 1975
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
I died twice (clinically) during surgery to remove tumor from behind right eye. I still have burn marks on base of my spine from electric resuscitation.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal What remained, and was rediscovered later in life, and became almost permanent, was a deep knowing and feeling of expanded awareness. It was deep wisdom, love, peace, and something much more open and free than any conceptually created identity.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? In the memory of the tunnel of light.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time lost all meaning. There was no awareness of my body or my identity as a young person. Just eternal home.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. There was no central local of perception. I could see from any perspective, in every direction. Colors were brighter and more alive than with physical eyes.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Inner listening was strong, like hearing silence became knowing. Different to daily inner thoughts and random rambling. Just a deep, absolute knowing that could be translated into soft inner words. Also a feeling of music, but no actual music. It’s very hard to explain.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
The experience included: Tunnel
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes Bright colors, with a clear exit that I knew as ‘home.’
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Not the same as light or color you can see with your eyes. There is nothing to compare it to other than saying colorful, dynamic, intelligent light.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Absolute peace, freedom, truth, and what my child mind called a feeling of ‘home.’
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. There was not so much an understanding, as a knowing of absolute peace, belonging, home and love. All questions died in that knowing. However, a few weeks later, I lost the feeling the moment my mind thought that I wanted to go back. The very wanting it, with a small thought that I had left home, resulted in the loss of the feeling and knowing and brought the most painful loss and aloneness. It took years to find my way back and to realize that I never actually lost it, just became ignorant. Much understanding was shown to me over the years when I re-established a connection to home.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Secular unaffiliated none, too young to have beliefs installed yet
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other or several faiths Very direct personal spiritual connection, not specific to any religious doctrine but can see parallels in many faiths
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I had no beliefs at the time, I was a young child.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes Although I was only 4, I had no religion doctrine in place, no television or book knowledge yet. So the experience was pure and innocent. All of it was new and has lasted my entire life.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes Just as the absolute knowing and experience of "home" as unifying, a feeling of connection to life itself, no boundaries to who I am.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? Unknown
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain I knew presence, and it was intelligent and in later years as a child expressed and described god as this light and peace and love. But definitely no "human-like" god, just presence. I was also 4 so didnt have the concept of "god" yet, so only in retrospect could I guess that the knowing presence and "home" feeling could be called something divine.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? Unknown
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Only that I was not a physical body. That I was more. That there was more than what people thought about life.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Unknown
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No This came later, I was lost and alone for many years afterwards, trying to understand and reconcile the experience with physical life.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? Unknown
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I knew I was not physical, I knew my body could not come with me to home, I knew home was real, I knew I as this limitless space of awarness was more real than my body.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I did not fear death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Unknown
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes I had spontaneous past life memories in my teens, gained clear conscious knowledge of my soul and found home again in my personal experience and connection to my soul.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Unknown
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes It was a transcended love, not a personalised love. Love was home and home was love.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I don't know of life without the knowing that came from the experience, because I was so young. At first, it felt cruel and all I wanted to do was go back. I resisted life and longed for the spiritual home I had experienced deeply. I was only able to find peace again gradually in my teens. Even more deeply in my thirties and in the last two years.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No No
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I didn't share it with anyone at the time, but I tried very hard to draw it, and felt frustrated that my crayons could not capture the feeling at all.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I have flashes of other memories around the time that are very lucid, but this experience left a deep impression.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I was very psychic as a child, and in my teens I tested my intuition daily. I am also very down to earth. It took many years of rigorous testing and exploration to see my psychic skills as real.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Afterwards, looking at my young hands and feeling alien to my own body. The lasting knowing that I was not physical.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I wrote in journals as a teen, and then wrote a book in my twenties.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It felt more real than my life at the time.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Although my body was young at the time, what I found was an ageless sense of self that has never aged and never changed. This is still more real than the body and the changing personality.