Not much to say about how it started. It was a rural party / celebration. An accidental fire / wildfire ensued. Panic, lots of people were frightened. There was smoke, lots of smoke. Other than me, no one was injured. Even all of the livestock and animals survived unscathed. I got lost, turned around, trying to rescue some of the ranch livestock. I was trapped behind oncoming flames and smoke. I collapsed, passed out. Next thing I knew, I was in an operating room where people were working on my body. It's like I was there, but I wasn't there. I died, or at least they said I'd died: I was clinically dead.
Then I was alone, briefly; no people were in the room (they'd given up on me.) Then two friends were allowed to enter the room, and that's when I, well, I left and was no longer aware of the hospital room or my friends. What happened after that seemed, at least to me, to last for days, or even weeks. Then suddenly I began to spontaneously breathe on my own again, with an erratic heart rate. My two friends screamed out for help; then right away there were lots of people working on me again. I was told it was a ‘miracle’: I shouldn't have lived. I'm not sure how I feel about that statement.
I know that there was a period that I hadn't been in this world. I was asked to ‘return.’ It was my choice THEY said and I wasn't like THEM. You would do anything THEY asked. It wasn't like it was a question; even if that's the way THEY put it. I wasn't forced to decide as I did, even though I know I would always have agreed with whatever THEY asked. About what happened, what was asked of me, that's something for another time, I think.
Date NDE Occurred: 05/31/2008
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident. CPR given. Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes In the operating room, I remember not being in my body, but still hearing / seeing some events that went on during that time - but it's like time was out of sync or ‘slipping.’
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal There is no comparison, this world is a grey place, with less life, less light than HOME had.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Ha-ha, I’m not sure what to make of this question. Highest level? I have no way to compare. The place where I went wasn't here, wasn't this universe (or if even the word ‘universe’ applies.) Everything there was made up of light, light that was light but wasn't light. I've never found adequate words for what to call it, except for ‘HOME.’ I just knew it was HOME, my real HOME.
The place I'd been living, where I was born and grew up: that was no longer ‘home.’ It was only where I'd come from, where'd I been. When I did return back to HERE, I felt totally out of place. This wasn't where I belonged anymore - it was only where I'm meant to be, just for a time. THEY promised that when I'm done, or when I've done all I can do, then I could go HOME again. To express what HOME was like has been impossible for me to do. Everything HOME is connected. It is all One. It's Light. Light is love, or what beings here call ‘love,’ I think. Peace. It is all at peace, except when they showed me the grey-things, in the ‘void.’ I never remember asking, but I must have. It was light and grey, light and shadow or absence of light, or just less light. All creatures / beings are of light, but some have more light, some less. I'm not sure if where I was, was heaven, but I was at peace, I was loved, and I was HOME.
Yet I was shown grey places, places where only one being, if any, exists inside each one. I was afraid of the grey places, and grey beings. They meant me no harm that I could tell. They were sad, and all alone. I remember thinking, ‘I cannot become grey!’ I remember the only thoughts that provoked what you might call ‘fear’ while I was HOME were those about the void places (the places without light, that don't exist.) Since returning, I've met a few grey people. I feel so sad around them, but I also fear being too close to them. One boy I met was from Denmark. We spoke about my experience, and his. He said he'd tried to kill himself, and he told me of going to the grey place, and of being all alone and afraid. When he told me that, I remembered what I'd learned when I was HOME, about grey men, and grey places, and so I recognized him for what he was. My heart ached for him, and yet I was also frightened a little by him. I've met other friends, who are believers in only the VOID, and I've even been in love with some of them. Yet, I was thinking of the emptiness they embrace always makes me cry; and I wonder what will happen when they die. When I go HOME, will I ever see them again? Will they have consciousness? Will they have alertness? Much of what I knew when I was HOME was taken from me when I returned, or at least it faded somehow. At times bits and pieces seem to return. While I was HOME, I was more alive and at peace than I have ever been here.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
The first time I died (NDE) it was like I was there for days, weeks, even months. Time seemed to have no meaning in HOME. Yet I was told I was clinically dead only minutes. The second NDE was brief. I was only HOME a few minutes, and the time I was in respiratory and cardiac arrest, my brain activity was not monitored, and I was quickly resuscitated.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. You keep asking me to choose, ‘faster thoughts,’ ‘vivid senses.’ I don't feel these questions apply. It's like comparing two universes that have totally different laws of existence. I don't feel one can really be compared to the other.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. To the best of my knowledge, my hearing before I passed out had been ‘fading.’
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, but the facts have not been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I passed from a grey earth-bound existence to one made up entirely of light – light that was brighter than the Sun. Light so white it seemed impossible. The transition wasn't painful, or frightening, but kind of exciting! Wonderful, and freeing!
Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain I have tried to think in the terms I was raised to understand. God, The Holy Spirit, and Christ, angels: none of that seemed to apply, or if it did, they weren't what I expected. There were the ones I think of as ‘ancient’ that I simply call THEM. There was this presence that was part of us ALL at HOME, in us all, and through us all. We were all ONE, all connected, and yet underneath that connection, there was something very powerful. At times, I felt that it spoke to us, even perhaps to me directly, but THEY didn't speak of the power, nor give it a name, nor could I name it. In my heart, I felt it was God, or at least what I imagine God must be. Of spirits by name, I have no memory of anyone directly. My parents and grandparents are all still living, and I've lost no one personally (yet) that I was strongly connected to HERE, so I'm not sure if I met anyone personally when I was HOME. If I did, those memories have faded since I returned HERE, as so many things I seem to vaguely remember, at one time, have.
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes There are no words to describe it: incredibly white, but the light was actually made of all colors, like a rainbow, yet it was white light, again, I have no words to describe it. It was light, yet it was all life, too.
The experience included: A landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm Like I said, it was a ‘universe’ not bound by the scientific laws of HERE.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? In a word, from what I seem to remember, despite the trauma that I now know my body endured, to me, dying was easy. One minute you're breathing, and the next, you're not. It was that simple: to simply give up, to release life. I remember being frightened of the fire and smoke, being confused, and then being more and more at peace. As a kid, it never occurred to me if I was ready for death or not. I don't remember ever really thinking about it. It's just something that happened, suddenly, and without any warning. The emotions I had, the powerful ones, didn't happen until AFTER the experience was over, and I was back HERE.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No Understand everything? Not sure, because I was so at peace when HOME, I really never questioned if I understood much of anything.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? I remembered many past events
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future This isn't something I want to talk about. I was told what was expected of me, why it was important for me to return. I was shown ‘some things’ and others were ‘hidden’ temporarily. I'm not some kind of prophet, nor was I expected to give anyone warnings. I was asked to ‘help,’ nothing more, if I could. It was as if I've become a ‘tool.’ THEY told me if I failed, another or others would be sent. I can be replaced, but I wasn't meant to feel replaceable. THEY didn't make little of my volunteering, but THEY also wanted me to be at peace if I was unable to accomplish what I was sent to do. I think THEY were being kind. Now that I'm back, and thinking like a human again, I sometimes wonder if THEY lacked belief in my ability to do what they asked of me. When I think of HOME, I know this cannot be true. THEY would never ask something you're incapable of, nor would THEY attempt to bring you harm, or pain of any kind. Something important, something vital is coming. THEY felt that those who wanted to help should be allowed to do so, if it was their choice. I'm not sure if I can be of any help, but I did agree to return. I'm no one special. Not in any way superior to anyone else HERE. I've tried to do what I was asked to, yet I constantly feel as if I've failed. Just before I returned, THEY told me ‘none will believe’ or ‘no one will believe you.’ Words, English words, didn't always fit in with the way THEY communicated. At times I feel THEY were warning me, sometimes I feel it was an admonishment to try and prevent me from doing foolish things, other times I have no idea why THEY told me that.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Moderately important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Christian- Protestant
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin When I was HOME, those around me, along with myself, we encountered THEM. All I knew was that THEY were ancient, and I was like a small child to them, or so I felt. They ‘appeared’ like us, but instinctively you knew they weren't. They were also sad. THEY told us how special we were. How it was becoming our time. THEY were like teachers, guardians, or elders. Again, I have no words. I keep thinking they were angels, but having never met an angel, I had nothing to compare.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Uncertain I have tried to think in the terms I was raised to understand. God, The Holy Spirit, Christ, angels... None of that seemed to apply, or if it did, they weren't what I expected. There were the ones I think of as "ancient" that I simply call THEM. And there
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Uncertain again, a topic I'm uncomforable with... When I returned, I was... altered. It's like the old me (the one before the NDE was someone else). There is this NEW part of me now, like someone who'd never existed before, and yet there is also this feelings that
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes In HOME, all are ONE, and yet there are things there that are beyond the ONE that make up the individuals that we are while still being ONE. It makes no sense, I know that, yet it feels true.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain someone, something is HOME, in all things, I have no words for what that power is
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain Again, a topic I'm uncomfortable with. When I returned, I was altered. It's like the old me (the one before the NDE) was someone else. There is this NEW part of me now, like someone who'd never existed before, and yet there is also this feeling that ‘part of me’ is ancient, as if THEY put something inside of me that had never been there before. The NEW thing and the ANCIENT thing feel the same; but whatever it is, it wasn't part of who I was before I died. Or if it has always been a part of me, then it would have been sleeping while I lived before, and would be something newly awakened. There is HOME, it is where you go after HERE. Someone, something, is HOME and is in all things. I have no words for what that power is.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes HERE, this life, is about giving. Sharing the LIGHT. Its something you can never give completely away. The more you give, the more you have to give. Again, I know it makes no sense, but still it's right, it's how things should be. Give all you have to giv
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife definitely exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes there is HOME, it is where you go after HERE
Did you fear death prior to your experience? Unknown
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes I'm no one's shepherd, nor did I return to save mankind. Each being must be their own judge and savior. Again, things were shown to me, and things were asked of me, yet in the end I'm responsible only for myself. All I have of value is what I can GIVE. If that giving brings more LIGHT, then I've succeeded. To alter the life choices of others, or to attempt to do so, is to assume responsiblity for others as well. To live by example is one thing, and LIGHT, to direct others is another, and can be grey. I will choose to share, to give, and pray I try never to take, except what is given freely by others of like mind.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Uncertain HERE self-preservation, vanity, self-centeredness are the norm. It's biological instinct / animal instinct to do all with yourself as the center of your existence. HOME teaches that it's the connections that give us our strength and that in giving in shar
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Slightly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes LIGHT (HOME) = LOVE (HERE)
It's that simple.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Large changes in my life.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Absolutely
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I do not know how my remembrance of the experience compares to my remembrance of other life events at time
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? In HOME, all are ONE, and yet there are things there that are beyond the ONE that make up the individuals that we are, while still being ONE. It makes no sense, I know that, yet it feels true. HERE self-preservation, vanity, self-centered-ness are the norm. It is biological instinct / animal instinct to do all with yourself as the center of your existence. HOME teaches that it's the connections that give us our strength. It is in giving and in sharing that we become our true potential. Pain is part of life. It's essential. You should not run from it, or fear it. Without pain, how would you know love is real? That breath really comes? That hot and cold exists? So much we see as reality HERE will fade, and what we didn't want to believe in or see HERE, will become reality in HOME. Writing this is so frustrating. My words don't give me satisfaction in conveying what I really wish I could describe. I'm not sure any words in English could ever do that, or even in any human language.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I am not anyone's shepherd, nor did I return to save mankind. Each being must be their own judge and savior. Again, things were shown to me, and things were asked of me, yet in the end, I'm responsible only for myself. All I have of value is what I can GIVE. If that giving brings more LIGHT, then I've succeeded. To alter the life choices of others, or to attempt to do so, is to assume responsibility for others as well. To live by example is one thing, and it is LIGHT. To direct others are another, and can turn grey. I will choose only to share and to give, and I pray I never just take, except what is given freely by others of like mind. LIGHT (HOME) = LOVE (HERE) It's that simple.