The majority of this time was mostly fraught with PTSD related to childhood trauma and clinical depression. This incident was one the most serious actions out of all of 'suicide attempts' because it was an intentional overdose and combination of drinking, street drugs, and psyche medication.
Prior to attempting to overdose on my own psychiatric pills, I drank several mixed cocktails at a nearby bar. I also took several types of street-grade pharmaceutical pills.
Then I took my own prescription drugs. I had waited about an hour before I had become very sleepy. I made a 'good-bye' call to a parental relative and family friend. They called 911. I fell down the stairs while trying escape paramedics.
In the ambulance, I was asked several questions. I had lost the ability to speak in full sentences and could only say one or two words at a time. I was brought to the hospital's intensive care unit (ICU). They continued to ask questions, but I could not say the actual words I had wanted to say and could only mumble. During this time I'd lost the ability to move my arms and legs. For some reason, I had an involuntary erection. As the doctors noticed my body paralysis, they asked me to communicate by blinking but even that, I could not control. The last words I had heard from a female doctor was that she could see tears coming out of my eyes. I felt her hand on my hand.
Soon after those voices had stopped, I could not feel anything. The bodily sense of touch went 'numb.' Then my vision went blurry. I had this feeling of leaving my body as I saw the room from the ceiling. Soon after, everyone and everything became like blurry colors, not unlike stained-glass blobs. It was from this point that I'd simply felt like I was floating within this darkness. At first, it seemed like a very wide hallway that then led to a infinite darkness. The darkness wasn't just a dark space, but it was black air and dark energy. It was as if I were immersed in a pool of black water that was much thicker than water. I existed in this space and from here, I felt as if I was moving at the speed of light. Everything seemed to be moving so fast that it was like in slow motion. Or more accurately, it was slower motion and then incredible speeds. It was as if I were inside of some sort of black hole and at the center of something.
It was three days later that I woke up out of a coma and in the ICU. I had trouble breathing or talking for a few days because of severe chest pain. I could not sit up until a few days later. The doctor said that he was surprised that I woke up since he was not very hopeful about my waking up. He had told my family that my chances were slim.
After this, I was subject to a psychiatric hospital stay. I felt that my brush with not existing was enough for me to become much more appreciative of life and what opportunity life might bring.
Date NDE Occurred: Winter 1998
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. Suicide attempt. Drug or medication overdose. Other: Stopped breathing, erratic heart, led into Locked-In Syndrome, and then I went comatose.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Neither pleasant NOR distressing
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes.
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. From being able to see and hear everything around me, to nearly becoming everything around me.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Consciousness was never really gone, but it was more so and had changed from the feeling of a body into the feeling of Being.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual. It seemed to feel like I were inside of a Black Hole or an Event Horizon and things either sped up in the beginning and then slowed down. But I felt as if I were going even faster than time.
Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Vision was an ability to truly 'see' the insides of a person when looking in their eyes.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It went from normal to tiny movements being heard; into hearing nothing. Then after awakening, I was hearing everything again but it all seemed clearer afterwards.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No
The experience included: Passing into or through a tunnel
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes This was not a Passing into or through a tunnel per say but more like passing through a smaller entry space that seemed to widen into everything.
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an Unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place. This strange place was more like that of a deep black space, which is more like a place that felt like a hmm...nonplace? Make sense?
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Everything all at once as if it felt like everything and then nothing
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? No
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me.
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Agnostic Raised as a Roman Catholic, but rejected this and or all other religions by age 13.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I developed the positive belief that religions were merely developed out of fear of death and a lack of understanding of our universe, physics, and space-time.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Not important to me
What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Atheist A current belief more based on those main principles of particle physics and or quantum mechanics. For instance, like an overall theory that energy never truly dies but might change form.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I would say all beliefs are just that, ideas and or an idealization of what we 'wished' our lives might be or become. Truth is much more simple than these complex constructs that we've created for ourselves, like religious belief. Being able to bend with the wind, so to speak, is probably a better way to be.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I would say that when people stop being 'people' they might just become a part of space and have this other sense of what a 'life' might be. This would be nothing like life as owning things. People and knowledge would be a bit less useful as one would be knowledge and or one just would 'be.'
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes That we are all a part of space and that's basically it.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? I was uncertain if God exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God does not exist
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes That there's a huge Multiverse beyond this rinky-dink planet and or Solar System.
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes That life is short and there is much that we do not know. I'm currently finishing up a second master's degree and then possibly continuing further learning beyond this.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? I was uncertain if an afterlife exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? I am uncertain if an afterlife exists. I'd say that it led me to believe that 'existence' after death is nothing like some sort of 'Heaven/hell' and that having a body or a sense of human existence would seem like walking backwards.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I slightly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Moderately fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives Are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes That it's all relative in the big picture and what we want versus what we need are vasty different things. Hardship is still existing even if it is a hard existence.
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? No
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life. After this experience, I did finally make changes to my own goals. I developed some goals and pursued those goals. I worked very hard to make my life the life that I wanted. I became happier, more peaceful, and less harsh on myself.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I value certain people who value me and don't really want to waste time on those who might not value me.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It's like trying to describe a masterwork painting to a blind person that has never seen nor experienced any colors at all.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. As time has passed on, this event has become much clearer than before. It might just come with age and the desire for knowledge of any such understanding.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes At times, I can simply feel a sense of our world. I have very vivid dreams and often know when someone is thinking about me. I am also quite intuitive when it comes to a philosophical sense of others, having empathy and all animals and myself seem to get along very easily.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Having a lack of control over my body and then realizing that the self is all relative.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes It took many years to discuss these things and or events and people are generally amazed. But overall, I don't go into great detail like I have here.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. At first it didn't seem real but more like a movie I'd play in my head until more details arose from it shortly after my recovery
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes That feeling I get when swimming or sky diving, or when a plane first gets into flight, and star-gazing of course.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Prior to this suicide attempt, I had attempted before this to hang myself with a noose and rope and felt that I had simply been lucky to have survived.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? You might want to ask for a brief biographic sketch of the person now and prior to the NDE event.
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