Experience Description

I drank liquid paraffin in an attempted suicide at about two or three in the morning. I then went back to bed. Simple, or so I thought.

Sometime later, after waking and throwing up, I cleaned myself up. I was in the greatest physical pain I have ever known, so I called 911. I have the memory of being taken to hospital. I was telling the doctor the ambulance drivers were rude (which was an understatement). I remember him answering that it was more important to get me okay than to take care of rude ambulance drivers. I told him I drank liquid paraffin, asked him for a painkiller and passed out.

Apparently, I was taken to the hospital immediately. I was cyanotic (blue, no air). I don’t know if I was clinically dead or not. But what I do know is that I was in a coma for three weeks.

During these three weeks, I lived another full life. In that time, I saw that my father was to choose which of three personalities he wished to raise. He had essentially three versions of me to choose: one, beautiful and stupid; or two, irrecoverably damaged; or three, me as I exist today – the fixable one. Number three was his choice for this altered reality. I was observing the choosing part in the third person. For the rest of the experience, it became a first person experience. I was 14 again, briefly (talk about scary!).

Somehow, I got to experience love at first sight and have it returned. I met my husband, Keirin, and we got married in my 'altered' state. He was my cousin, the third son of the second cousin of my mother, enough to make an anthropologist say it was okay. He was much younger than me and he was 5’11 tall. He came from a Lake Erie family of Scottish origin.

Their renowned family business of ship and boat builders had been in existence for at least three generations. All the vessels they built were made of wood, even after the advent of fiberglass. The family was well known for their wooden artwork, and as such, were also asked to sculpt a large commemoration for a 'somebody'.

My husband had taken over the family business when his father and two older brothers had gone to war. My husband’s father and brothers were on submarine duty together. For years they were lost, then were found. All were okay, but I wouldn't swear to their mental health.

The family politics were not good. There was not another happy person to be found, anywhere. My family chose to leave. His father was one of the most obnoxious people I have ever met. His mother was a sophisticated cretin. One and all hated me. I really couldn't understand the depth of the feeling, and I still don't.

Also, there was an accident and my husband lost his right arm during the building of a new ship. This was some time before I met him. (I can't envision him not being whole, despite that he insists on it being the truth. When I remember lying in bed with him, there is not a problem with one side or the other. But, obviously there should have been.)

My wedding was beautiful, even if it was somewhat rushed. I was not pregnant. Although I recall, we made love and planned to get caught, so that the family would agree to our wedding. The sisters and brothers and the rest of his family were there.

My ring was his mother’s wedding ring. He asked me, if his mother’s ring was acceptable. I knew it meant so much to him, so of course, I said, ‘yes.’ We had calla lilies and white roses everywhere.

Despite the family animosity, we loved each other and they respected him enough, to give us the wedding of anyone's dreams. The bridesmaid dresses were the best I have ever seen – they were not off-the-rack. They were the salmon-pink of ladies under-things in the 30s with three-quarter sleeves, longish ballerina skirts, jewel collar in front, a deep V ending in a very lazy Southern bow with short tails. My dress was much the same, but I was a widow before marrying Keirin (I am a widow in this life also) and the color was cream. I'd like to say he wore an afternoon, dove-colored tux, as that would have been more in keeping with the times. But, it was a very deep grey or perhaps even black. Either way, I've never seen a man look more wonderful.

The most important thing was the feel of his lips right after the ceremony. Loving and hungry, and full of promise. I 'knew' what to expect, but I never ever suspected a man to convey the hope and trust and eagerness of the present and the future in a breath, in a small moment of time. It was all there: he and I, whatever would be.

I have to say that I have never loved, nor given or been loved in that way. I cannot forget, nor would I wish to. In this plane, I know of no such person. In fact, I'm widowed 15 years this year [2002] and a second marriage is not on my to-do list (no criticism regarding the institution itself). After I returned to this state, I went through a quite normal grieving process at having to leave Keirin behind. I still have a sensation that it wouldn't be unusual at all, to turn a street corner and there he'd be.

Now that I am here, in this reality, sometimes he is so extremely present, that I have to turn around to make sure it's here and not there. Considering world events, it feels like I've entered a third reality sometimes.

During the first three months after my experience, I had to make up my mind which reality was the real place. The temptation to return was nearly overwhelming, at first. That is not the end of my journey, but what woman in her right mind wouldn’t want a love such as that. There have been times when the desire is so strong in this life, I think my heart will break.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 9-24-2000 to 10-17-2000

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Suicide attempt I was told I was resuscitated? I don't know

How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive

The experience included: Out of body experience

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Me as I am, maybe a tad bit younger?

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? None. Though others would testify that I responded to minimal stimulus. I was told that I gave bank numbers, but I don’t remember that.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Not at the time. However, after my experience, I understood that I lived a short lifetime in three weeks. The election of George Bush in November [2000] happened well before I 'woke' up. Time was compressed in that reality as compared to this one.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

The experience included: Presence of deceased persons

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes There was a man or a being, a guide, who was male that explained things after I had to leave my husband. He spoke of telekinetics and the ease and natural capacity we have for it. He explained that ‘we’ create our own dilemmas as a species. The object is not to create dilemmas, not to get around them, but to go through it as though it doesn't exist. Our earth reality is only an illusion. In other words, this reality is a false sense of power that we buy into. The guide made it abundantly clear that there were things I had to learn and things I had to witness on the journey back. Now that I think about it, it was sort of a prep course in 'understanding' some of the greater complexities of life, whether it be here or there, in that it mostly dealt with human interaction and the fundamentals of our strange nature as a species.

Did you see an unearthly light? No

The experience included: A landscape or city

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm No place of perfection, but wherever the man I loved was. I'd been there before in this reality too. We were along the NYS side of Lake Erie. That is not exceptional in beauty, but it was specific.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I fell in love. I made peace with my mother, in a way. I understood more and better. I felt loved. I had no want, but that is an absence isn't it? There was another being whose presence was comforting.

The experience included: Special Knowledge

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe [no description given]

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control [no description given]

The experience included: Vision of the future

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future [see above answers]

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will What I can state for a fact is that my leaving the 'new' situation was very painful and I deeply hurt the man that I had married, Keirin. The parting is very clear to me; I remember it in graphic detail. The literal answer is that I don't recall some kind of formal inquiry where a choice was presented. I remember having made the choice. I suppose from that, it's rather a short jump to the assumption that there were alternatives presented. To underscore the notion that it was choice, though, I still have days where I wonder, ‘What the heck I was thinking by coming back?’. I'm trying to convey that that is the first thought to pop up, without any thought behind it. A kind of knee-jerk reaction, if you will. The spontaneity of the response would indicate that I had a level of control over the situation. After leaving, the experience with my 'husband' remained very clear and even. Even though I was still in a coma, I felt regret and guilt and mourning for the 'lost' life. Kierin, my husband made one more brief appearance in the middle of another experience, to tell me that he understood and forgave me for having left. The irony was that I recall thinking that he didn't know the half of it! He would never know the 'real' why of my leaving him, as I was prohibited from enlightening him fully. I recall having something of an argument with his father before I left. I knew I was going and as I recall, I had informed at least him by then. He had treated Kierin badly and the rest of his other children not much better. I informed him that he should be grateful that I was going, but that if kept up his ways, there was no doubt that he would lose all he children, and the burden of fault would be his and his alone. I felt a sense of purpose in that. I believe the decision to return was based on ‘right’ action. That not only was there purpose, but the choice itself was a measure of the state of my soul. Therefore, I wonder how much of a choice it really was. Let me make abundantly clear the fact that I don't believe in hellfire and brimstone. Nor, at any time in my 'experience' was there any indication that such a place a threat, or even in existence. Right action has more to do with the concept that all things are intertwined. If you affect one part of a spider web, even the farthest part of the web is affected, if only making it vibrate. Something has occurred that would not have occurred without interference.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal Christian: Episcopalian Pagan: don't go making assumptions! I accept the notion ‘the many are One’----------inclusiveness ------Buddhism would appeal, but my views would not jibe with the Dalai Lama

What is your religion now? Liberal Same

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes [no description given]

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It is hard to talk about. My family has always been precognitive. I wasn't about to banter that stuff around to a bunch of people under the special circumstances.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Hyper-intuition.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Being back here [on earth].

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I didn't talk about it much at first. Now, when I share my experience, people get that whatever it was, it was real to me. Not one rational person has walked away saying this experience is delusional. I never spent a second in a psychiatric ward.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? It might be 'different' but the 'doctors' that I told [about my experience] were so interested in the physical aspects (the miracle and my recovery) that the rest of my experience was a sideline to them.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Uncertain