Okay, this is going to be hard. I have never written this down and have never even been able to fully explain it to another even over many years of association. Here goes.
The guy I was engaged to at sixteen was into sadomasochism. My parents were the worst type of alcoholics and very, very abusive to put it mildly. They thought it was cool or some kind of badge of honor to be with this 'crazy' guy. He even had me shoot him once. He would do things to me. Sometimes he would get angry if I smoked or wore makeup and this night as I was doing dishes and my parents were gone, I asked for a cigarette. He gave me one with the dangerous gleam in his eye I had come to know meant trouble. I light it and take one puff when he grabs the dish towel from my hands and begins snapping me with it. After several hard hits he wraps it around my throat twice and I think he had his hands together behind my neck. You should know that barely two years before this I had broken my neck in a diving accident and wore a neck brace for a year so this was very bad. I could not speak or scream and I struggled to no avail. I watched his face fade and sound become muffled and felt like I was receding. I'd passed out in the ocean before caught in waves so I recall thinking I would pass out and come to again. I had the feeling that some time went by. It was a kind of quickening sensation and it alerted me.
I became aware I was somewhere and at first I waited for sight, sound, etc. to return, but it didn't. I wondered as to my physical condition, was I blind or what? I remembered being strangled, trying to breathe, getting scared and everything went black and... Then I knew I was somewhere else. It was frightening and I didn't understand. I was in a void, no sensation whatsoever and though it scared me, it also felt safe. No cold, no heat, no sound, no beginning and no end. I knew it. Yet how I could know that scared me more. I came to grips with the fact that I was out of my body yet still I existed.
In my life I had gone from believing in God, to being angry with him, to hating him, to dipping into witchcraft and Satanism, to numb, and then, to Science. I was a pure scientist and had no belief in this sort of thing, AT ALL! Time passed in a strange way and now I know I was given the time I needed to come to terms with reality and feel calm. When I felt calm and at peace I looked around which is funny to say since I wasn't 'looking' in the traditional sense yet I was looking and saw nothing. I think I thought I was condemned and maybe hell was being locked in this void for all eternity. No matter how I tried, there was nothing. I became anxious and then maybe resigned a little but then I saw a tiny light. It could have been a pin hole in black fabric. It was so small. Since it was the only thing to look at, I looked at it.
In time, I dared to wonder what it was. When I thought I wanted to get close enough to see what it was, I was there! It was astonishing to me. I peered in and saw a movie, for lack of a better description, playing across with the void above, below, and behind and it came from nowhere and disappeared into nowhere. It was life, on this earth, and I knew these people yet had forgotten them or hadn't previously known of their connections to me and my life. I was 'feeling' them, their grief and joy, love and hope, despair, etc. I was paralyzed, overwhelmed with a tsunami of emotions, thoughts, and dreams, theirs and my own as they were at the time. I think this movie began before my actual birth up to the moment of my attack and in a strange way, a little past that. As I was carried along and consumed by this I gained devastating understandings of others I'd hurt and didn't know I had, of people I thought were good but they were really evil and likewise of some I'd thought bad seeds and they were good. I saw myself as I'd never seen me before and I was ashamed but also I had to relive all the horrible abuse, some of which I'd forgotten, all over again in every agonizing detail.
I became aware of a presence with me. This presence was so vast and unimaginable I wasn't at first sure of what I was sensing but then I knew it was God. He was everywhere and everything, the beginning and the end, and he was Love. I came to know that Love is a power to rival all powers real and perceived in the Universe, something I never could have understood without this experience. As my life review, which by the way I didn't know what to call it until sometime in the last decade, went along it picked up in speed. It felt ominous, I was battered with all this at light speed, and I knew if it got to the end, I was dead. I think maybe it meant the second death because I was terrified and in my heart of hearts I wanted to make things right. I remember that I knew my purpose, I knew all the answers to my questions, and I remember I knew I had not done what I was supposed to. It wasn't all my fault but I did not find myself blaming others immersed as I was in total truth. I have often said to others, I would rather stand stretched naked in front of the whole world, than go through this. There is nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.
I began to pray and pray and it felt like my 'eyes' were closed, my 'hands' clasped and I was on my 'knees' begging God for another chance. I told him I would live through all of it again, ten times over, for another chance. Understand the gravity of that statement. It's not like saying to someone here and now 'I'd do it again' it's much more profound with an inescapable impact. I peeked at this movie from moment to moment thinking if it was slowing down that would mean I would pop back into my life in that moment and it didn't matter if I was back as a two year old a ten year old or even, older than I was when this event took my life. It sped along faster than seemed possible and I was assailed with the force of it. Suddenly I knew I had reached the end, I felt older, much older, almost like I went farther than my sixteen earth years. I felt like I was dropping off into the void and I thought I was lost, not forgiven, condemned. Still, I waited, 'holding my breath' in a way, eyes closed, fear and dread filled me and I could not bring myself to look or listen.
It seemed like a long time went by and then I did have a slight sensation of moving and I recall thinking I was moving very fast toward a destination but I didn't have the traditional references like objects or light or feeling air go by. I still wasn't looking because I was too afraid to look but then I heard something, very distant, very small sound. It grew louder and louder and was deafening. I can only say it seemed like a trillion church bells all ringing at once. It was indescribable and it grew in volume past anything I had ever thought possible but it was strange in that I couldn't 'feel' it like I would in my body when hearing such a loud sound. It sounded like I was traveling down a tunnel and then behind all that sound was a different sound. I listened and strained toward it. It was a man. He was saying something.
He was saying 'You're faking you bitch, you're faking!' I heard him loud now as if he was right in front of me and I looked. He was holding me upright. I see the towel dangling from his hand and I'm being jerked violently around and slapped in the face I think. He was supporting my weight as I realized when suddenly I just stood up but found I couldn't move back because the countertop was pressed against my backside. He looked as scared as I've ever seen him and for a moment we just looked deeply into each other eyes, searching I think, and he stepped back a step or two in total silence.
I stood there thinking I should be mad or call the police but I wasn't and I didn't. All I could say was, 'Gimmie a cigarette.' To which he replied, with a short hesitation, you already have one. I looked at my hands and was confused and motioned with my empty hands, as I said I don't have a cigarette. He pointed at the floor. I looked and saw a whole cigarette had burned up in the linoleum leaving a long burn. It wasn't burning anymore and at first I thought why would he tell me to pick up the filter as it was plain to see there was no cigarette left and then it sank in. That was the cigarette I was smoking, the one I had just lit up before he...
I don't know how long I stood looking down at that butt. After a time I looked up and asked him for another. He was still standing in the same spot and after hesitating, he handed me one. I think I stood there smoking it looking at him and him at me for a long time but the events of the previous moments just didn't seem important anymore. I knew awarenesses and knowledge, and was a different person.
Date NDE Occurred: 1976
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Criminal attack Life threatening event, but not clinical death I was attacked and strangled to death by an abusive boyfriend and had a means to judge the time I was gone.. My boyfriend attacked me with a dish towel. He wrapped it around my neck and pulled it so tight I could not speak, scream, or anything. He held it tighter and tighter until...
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal See above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the life review I was most overwhelmed and plugged into, and profoundly aware of, everything but just before when I was 'exploring' and wondering I was unto myself and very conscious then again I think the bells were stunning and may count as the highest alertness.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I knew that time there is not like time here. I think I was there for what might be called a long time yet a relatively short time of maybe ten minutes passed here yet at the same time I had the feeling that an entire life here was just a blink, as they say, there. I equate it to the 'Star Trek' episode with Jon-Luc Picard when a strange unmanned ship sends an energy beam to the bridge and the captain falls into some kind of coma. He lives an entire lifetime there and at first, he fights to return and then accepts the reality and forms bonds, etc., only to find in the end his life was elsewhere. It's really confusing and hard to explain. To the following question, time was not constant there. At first I think it was very slow then it sped up and since that was the most astounding I'll say everything happened all at once, sort of and at a particular point in the review.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did your vision differ in any way from normal? Field of vision was weird as how can one see into infinity yet see in 3-D and be a part of a movie while watching it? I was the observer and the participant I saw everything impossibly clear and I seem to recall vivid colors but now it's more of an impression rather than a clear memory. I also had the impression of vivid bright light of differing hues in kind of a overlapping spear like facade curving in a circular maybe forming some kind of tunnel on my trip back and the impression of it was concurrent with the bells but I was too afraid to look and also knew I didn't need to look.
Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? I think it did but I can't explain it other than seeming to clearly hear everything all at once and the experience in the void was mind blowing as hearing the total absence of sound cannot be explained. It is not just heard but felt in such a complete way that there are no words to describe it.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain At times and in parts it seemed like it but I did not 'look' though I could not help but hear. That seemed out of my control and with that sense I perceived a tunnel I suppose.
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes People in my life that knew me when I was very young had an effect on me or my life on them even though I hadn't known, and God was there or rather I was in God and a miniscule speck of its consciousness was with me. I must say I did not remember any encounter with Jesus though and that was a thing that haunted me until more recently when another supernatural experience clarified that aspect of God and our lives, for me.
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I saw a light far away after I had been there in the void a while and when I wanted to really see it closer, I was there! I also perceived a fantastic spiky light sort of tunnel when I heard the bells as described above.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I came away with a certain knowledge that there are other dimensions and for many years I used to say to others though I can't recall where it came from "There is nothing that has not already been and everything that is will be again". But, during my death experience I don't recall going to other dimensions but I know many facets of my NDE I was not allowed to remember and I understood why then but not now. Still I have a peace and understanding about such things that I know comes not from me. After this NDE I started having Out of body experiences which I kept to myself but after getting over the intial fear I greatly anticipated them and traveled in places and times I cannot describe but those stopped within a year. In the 90's I had a vision, which at first devastated me because I still did not feel worthy, in which I saw Jesus one who I did not come away from my death experience with an understanding of. It was then that I saw with my eyes a mystical light eminating from and surrounding him. I felt love and shame to a new degree, and at once could not understand how anybody upon seeing him would not know who he is. I shrank with shame yet wanted to run to him and leave with him. It's very vivid still.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Everything and more. A depth of feeling I had not thought possible and haven't experienced since even though I'm a mom and a functional woman today with much love, more than most, for the planet and life. To speak to the following question I did have incredible peace at times and extreme fear at other times so I cannot say I just had peace, relief, or calmness yet I did have those too. I also had incredible joy which went along with perfect understanding of purpose, of God, of the Universe and other dimensions, and the flow of life but was taken aback at the depth of sorrow and shame and sadness from within me and in others, so I will answer neither to the two following questions.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I described this in great detail in the main narrative. Yes, I knew much after that I did not know before though I didn't realize it right away. I have often been sought out for advice. Often total strangers opening up to me in most unexpected places and times. I seem to just know things and it feels like common sense to me yet I know it is not. I have had counselors, psychiatrists just stare at me, and one said repeatedly 'Do you know how profound that is? Do you know how profound that is?' I do and I don't. I think the experience was both a blessing and curse as it has set me aside, singled me out, made me very different and that's not always a good thing. People fear what they don't understand and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, is not something others want even if they say they do. I cannot lie since this experience, almost like a bondage, and it has been very hard to just fit in. People always want answers but they don't like the answers they get, the right ones, and they can't convert on it if that makes any sense.
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future It seems like I went farther than my actual earth years of sixteen and I recall being surprised to be back in the body I last left. It follows I would have seen the future and that feels like a right assumption. I believed my life was to be very hard with much suffering and it has been unbelievable. Others that know me say the things that happen in my life are anomalies and in my case, Karma isn't working right. I knew it would be this way but I keep asking and hoping for it to be better. Even with the terrible stuff happening at this moment I do have an inner peace mingled with sadness.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I had no belief in such before. I began a lifetime journey of discovery so far as religion, spiritual matters and the like. I consider myself to have an evolved sense of God and the Universe.
What is your religion now? Liberal No religion but very spiritual and know God
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I had no belief in such before. I began a lifetime journey of discovery so far as religion, spiritual matters and the like. I consider myself to have an evolved sense of God and the Universe.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I was not allowed to remember it but I knew that I knew. Still others tell me I think very differently and I find I'm able to connect with people who really need it and seem to say what they need to hear while the majority just think I'm strange or worse.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I was withdrawn and victimized before. I attracted bad people and didn't see it. I still seem to attract some bad ones but I see it. I am very independent, strong, focused, but can be too loving and too giving. I have fewer and need fewer relationships but those I have are more meaningful. I do attract those that need help. It gets hard.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The time paradox, the thought is action part, plugged into a universal consciousness and not only knowing but feeling what other's felt that had been involved in my life in some way, mostly previously unknown to me, and understanding them in a way they themselves do not.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes When I meet people I know them in way I can't explain. I know them better than they know themselves but often I can't differentiate the potential from the actual and in the past have relied on what I perceived as actual when it was unrealized potential, for better or worse. I know what people are up to which gives me credibility problems and often nobody listens until damage is already done to which I can say, 'I told you so,' when I wished I could have prevented the whatever instead. My children cannot lie to me, which is creating a problem now with my oldest whose living life in the fast lane and hiding from me because he knows I see right through him. However, when I get close to others, friend-type relationships or acquaintances that can get in the way of my perceptions. I think it's because I so want to see and feel good things but most often that's not the reality in my path anyway.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Felt Curiosity: How changeable time is, Felt Humbled: God's presence.
The perfect understanding which brought perfect peace.
To be useful and to fulfill my purpose needed the empathy/knowledge developed within the life review.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I didn't share this for at least ten-plus years. I was afraid I was condemned and I spent many years consuming books, investigating religions, and basically being a learning machine. I still am. I have an insatiable appetite for learning everything and anything. The first reactions were amazement and belief and others desired to know more and some came back asking for advice many times. I didn't used to think they were truly influenced by it as I saw them continuing their lives in much the same way and was disappointed but they say it changed them. My youngest son has uncommon wisdom and he says both he and his brother do because of all I've taught them and he says who knows how troubled certain individuals would have been had I not been able to sway them.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. I was stunned. I had no prior belief in God. I believed in Science and it left me very confused as to the validity of science principles of which I have spent the majority of my life researching to mesh the two in a viable way. Much information out there is incomplete, has been changed, or colored by opinion and personal beliefs. I quested for the truth in all things after this and was fearful for many years that I might be a damned soul because I was in the darkness, the void. The reality I had to embrace was so far from what I believed it reduced me to nothing and I knew I had to fly right or else. I got a second chance because I didn't know and I had been brutalized but I couldn't go on doing bad things or wanting to anymore. I felt sooooo different from others now. It was very lonely.
Within weeks, I had two more strange experiences too. On two separate occasions, two different people, keep in mind a man had tried to abduct me in a car once, a man in a car, alone, drove up next to me as I was walking and looked at me and said, 'You've been saved haven't you?' Blew me away! I hadn't ever heard of anything but a light when some people died and I dismissed that completely. This, I had never heard of and God himself couldn't tell me what I went through wasn't real. It was more real than here. This is the dream. There is the reality.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. Without a doubt, real but I find myself more attached to this life now than immediately after the experience. I was ready to die and go back in a heartbeat after I realized in the fullness of time, I was not condemned, and in fact, God chose me, I did not choose him, as it says. I find myself fearful of the dying moment because it feels like stepping off a cliff and I love so many people now I can't bear to leave them. I seem to always be the one caring for people who die and recently my twenty year old nephew died tragically and those left behind are so devastated. It was and is very real but the separation from some, though for a short time, is a hard thing to bear.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? In a recent CAT scan it was found I have a small hemangeoma or meningioma (tumor like mass of blood vessels) in the brain that is new. It was also found that I have two very large, very old, calcified ones. They could be from the strangulation.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Well, considering the late hour and how tired I am I can't think to good right now. I would invite you to email me with more questions or ask me to clarify things when I'm not so tired. I may like to revise when I'm more rested. You could provide some way to save this thing so a person can leave and come back later without losing it all.